Frank West is a photojournalist famous for the event known as Dead Rising. He is one of the only survivors, save for a black janitor and a MILF with a limp. In his famous work, Frank finds himself in the biggest scoop of his career after hearing of a small town, Willamette, Colorado, that has been blockaded by the FBI. Frank hires a helicopter, and flies to Willamette where he gets involved in the biggest war ever. Cause, you know, he's covered wars.
But before we get to that...
Before Frank became a photojournalist, he was a was just a mild mannered journalist. He interviewed several people, including Ronald Reagan, Erwin Rommel and Tom Hansen, cause, you know, he's covered people who were in wars.
But when his life got tough, Frank decided that pictures are really worth a thousand words. During Operation: Iraqi Freedom, Frank was trying to interview random soldiers about the war, when BAM, a missile struck the building he was in. When Frank came to, he found that everyone had died and a camera lay before him. He picked it up and took pictures of the carnage, earning him an award for covering wars with pictures and lots of PP for brutality and exotica. Cause, ah you get it by now.
So now let's return to the main focus of this story, shall we? Well Frank, being the badass he is, jumps out of the heilcopter and lands in a mall. But not just any mall, no siree, he landed in the mother of all malls, the mall of the dead. DUN DUN DUNNNNNN!
Frank makes his way to the security room where he learns that zombies have taken over the mall and then plan to take over the world. Frank, having covered so many wars, knows a thing or two about fighting, thus he forms a one man army. He then kills most of the Zombie population with in 72 hours using a vast array of weaponry, including, but not limited to chainsaws, shotguns, purses, Bruce Campbell, Raptors, Lightsabers, orange juice, Pikachus, Solid Snake, Stalin, Benches, whips, spit, vibrators, nail-guns, Brian Peppers, ink pens, crayons, broken glass, ice cream, melted plastic, hammers, splinters, semen, Jesus, pie's, Scorpio, and submarines.. When the army finally decides to show their face, Frank is there to greet(by ripping out their organs) them because, well, you know. They've covered wars.
He's covered wars you know
Right, so then theres some scene, and Frank himself starts to turn into a zombie(He's covered Zombie wars you know?). So he than goes on a killing spree, killing hundreds of soldiers to get the next achievement (He's covered the Achievement war you know?) Then there's the helicopter dude dying, time goes backwards, and he's alive again (He's covered resurrection you know?) and they fly away. The end
He's covered wars just in case you didn't know. Not real wars, mind, invariably involving the French or other third-world country.
Next to being one of the few men able of killing hundreds of zombies, special forces and cultists with spit whilst only wearing his underwear he is also known for his unending appetite. Frank can consume frozen pizza's, 1 meter long baguettes and any other food source in a matter of seconds. It is theorized that he doesn't even eat the food he simply makes an opening between his teeth and absorbs the matter. Some speculate that Frank in fact evolved from a black hole. they aren't sure though since black holes consume everything and Frank only consumes food and liquid( which he frequently spits back out at undead people and people he saves). Frank has also had a drinking problem which gave him severe dementia. Though after some medical treatment and therapy he has the ability to remember everything by repeating that He's covered wars you know? After a nose-correction franks life changed completely. He became immune to the effects of alcohol. In fact he became immune to everything except for zombie bites, but what are the chances of that happening? Also, to this day, Frank West holds the world record for being able to consume five litres of orange juice in under a second.
Psychopaths in the Mall
You will face a wide assortment of bosses, known as psychopaths. They are extremely easy to beat (but only if you've covered wars) and have fantastic ending cinematics like falling on chainsaws and dying of a heart-related stroke. The psychos can range from a 18 year old whore molesting lesbo cop to a Vietnam War flashback commando who gave up killing black people for selling lawn mowers, mailboxes, sex, and fertilizer. All of the psychos are boring, and stupid (save for the Vietnam Vet, who is like the most awesome boss ever!). They can easily be defeated using a small blue chainsaw and despite a common sense of realism they die after about 10-12 strikes when they could have easily handled 14. Upon beating these gruelingly l337 psychos you must save the "hostages" or people of special need, then make the extremely long trek across the mall to get to the maintenance room. Most of them will not make it because they will be mowed down by 3 specific convicts in a military jeep that keep on returning to life for no adequately explored reason.
Problems with Dead Rising
Despite killing zombies, escorting hoes, and raping Jessie, you will find some rather appalling problems with Dead Rising. One of those problems is the transceiver. Your black buddy Otis loves to constantly remind you of where the fuck you are in the mall. Things such as, "Frank, hey it's Otis, you know the janitor. Look, I realized your in the North Plaza, they have a porn shop there, pick up something good this time and bring it back for me will ya!?!" or "Hey Frank, it's me Otis, that Black guy who is a cunt, I think you might need to come back now. Jessie is really worried about you and she's having constant orgasm attacks. Come back quick and shut the bitch up by showing her who's boss." or even "Where you at dawg?" Otis tends to call you at the wrong time like when your fighting off a horde of zombies that's 50 feet tall and 10 meters wide... so you respond but then quickly set the transceiver down to talk to him. He tells you that you were rude for cutting him off like that and you usually respond with, "You know I've covered wars right?"
Wars He's Covered
- *Mandalorian War - *The Gulf War - *War on Terror - *War on Terra - *The Great Duck War - *The Peloponnesian War - *Kurukshetra War - *Trojan War - *Battle of Thermpoylea - *Messenians Wars - *Lelantine War - *Sicilian Wars - *Corinthian War - *Samnite Wars - *Lamian War - *Syrian Wars - *Chremonidean War - *Kalinga War - *Punic Wars - *Porn Wars - *Sandwhich Wars - *Homework Wars - *War Wars - *Losers Wars - *Gay Wars - *Macedonian Wars - *Roman Servile Wars - *Jugurthine War - *Mithridatic Wars - *Gallic Wars - *Jewish-Roman War - *Goguryeo-Tang Wars - *War of the Three Henries - *Goryeo-Khitan Wars - *War of the Three Sanchos - *War of the Lombard League - *Jurchen-Sung War - *Khmer-Cham War - *Genpei War - *Russo-Swedish War - *Teutonic-Novogorod War - *Aragonese-French War - *War of Three Kingdoms - *War of the Eight Princes - *Vandal Wars - *The Console war - *War in Iraq - *Israeli-Palestinian Conflict - *Vietnam War - *Korean War - *Any and all Revert Wars - *World War -I - *World War I - *World War II - *Guild Wars - *American Civil War - *War of 1812 - *Star Wars - *American Revolution - *Geometry Wars - *Cold Wars - *Clone Wars - *Galactic Civil War - *War of the Ring - *Human vs. Kitten War - *Cartoon Wars - *Wikian Civil War - *Blockade of Naboo - *Willamette zombie outbreak, mentioned above - *Gears of War - *Nintendo War - *Dominion War - *All Fire Wars on Uncyclopedia - *The Battle for Middle Earth - *Wilde War - * Covanant Vs. Human Galactic Dispute - *The Non-Existent War - *The Pirate/Ninja War - *War of the Worlds - *World of War Craft - *Star Wars - *The War War - *The Gas Wars - *The Penguin-Human War, see penguin - *The Kitten Huffing Wars - *The Great Peace War of 2390 - *All wars in the future - *Irish civil war - *Halo wars - *Sexual wars - *The war that happened which really didn't happen - *Frank West Wars - *The George Forman Portable Mega Griller wars - *LOL WAR - *The Mega Man wars - *The Bear wars - *The Chuck Norris wars - *The Mr T Wars - *Flame Wars - *Pegasus-Unicorn War - *The War, What Is It Good For, Absolutely Nothing War - *Advance War