Frankfurt

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“Yet another incoherent state dwelling in the crotch of finance.”

~ Duke of York on Frankfurt

“Ahhh...Frankfurt...where is that place again?”

~ Oscar Wilde on Frankfurt

“Frankfurt? Is that where they discovered hamburgers?”

~ George W. Bush on Frankfurt

Frankfurt (Pronounced Fr-e-n-kk-fürt is the rejected capital of Germania. It was conceived by the French on a boat trip down the Main River and within two hours, five million people started working in skyscrapers and offices and living their lives in houses imported from Taiwan.

Frankfurt is so rich that it now has money pouring out the sides of buildings. Municipal workers have to scoop it up and resort it, because Germany does not like a mess. Because it takes so many workers, and they have to be paid union rates, Frankfurt is actually quite poor.

Furt is not the river that Frankfurt is located on. Furt is the river next to the tram station in Goemmelshausen.

The anti-Communist stronghold is now home to about 60,000 manufactured kittens with life expectancies of at least 3 months. So I ask you this one question "Are zyuo Communezt??"

History[edit]

About 80 Frenchmen purchased 23 franc tickets on a leisurely boat cruise along the treacherous Main River which took them along land formerly owned by the Contratic Empire. The empire had slowly been destroyed by a plague caused by the excessive consumption of Kinder eggs.

The city rose out of the ground, possibly due to a major earthquake which destroyed much of Goldilocks' grandmother's cottage in the woods located approximately 10 miles Northeast of Los Angeles. The French men in the boat had to get off in some unnamed place in Switzerland when the boat ran out of mushy peas.

Industry literally sprouted out of the ground and was subsequently bombed by flying banshees. These banshees typified British engineering and motivated the Germans to never produce objects of such valour.

Immigration[edit]

Most of the immigrants in Frankfurt are in fact lost. They wander the streets with maps and compasses hoping to find their destination. Over a long period of time, these immigrants have evolved into a different species of ape named Homo Searchus. It is difficult to distinguish them from the local population; however, a look of confusion on their faces is common. It is advised not to get these people confused with tourists.

Tourism[edit]

The Zybertorkenbank Tower is the tallest structure in Frankfurt. Its shape resembles a sausage when forced through keyhole in pitch black conditions. It was designed by a certain Norman Tosser who is currently imprisoned for six years for prolific landscape terrorism.

The LawnMower is yet another amazing feat of architectural joy placed right next to a road.

The world famous Frankfurter skyline

The Eurotwistoturm is one of them towers which twists and boogies. No one really likes it because they have to pay an extra 30 cents on the subway to get there.

The MainOva was originally an extension to the concentration camp set up on the site of a Blu Tac factory. It functioned as a huge incinerator capable of scorching up to 33000 ice cream van drivers a minute. The concentration camp was soon closed after it was looted by the Americans who were looking for free Vanilla Ice CDs.

Die Oprahhaus was originally a place for grumpy old men to watch grumpy fat women belt their hearts out, however, due to the law suit filed by Oprah Winfrey in 2096 against the use of the word Opera and Oper, the name was changed. Here you will find a number of chairs carved out of frozen urine.

The city is now a sprawling destination for families to create more families in the red light district, conveniently placed next to a fish slaughter house which hides the bad odours of the employees.

Asian Tourists visiting Europe land first in Frankfurt before continuing on to the other parts of their European vacation. Half of them leave immediately as they get shocked by the local flavors of Frankfurt and believe the rest of Europe will be identical. Just to mention Äppelwoi, Handkäs mit Musik (Handcheese with music?), Frankfurter Dreckschipp'...

Just make sure you visit the redlight district too. There are top noch places like "Sexyland" and the infamous "sex Inn". I tell you I have had some crazy adevntures in those places.

Notability[edit]

Nothing important really goes on in Frankfurt. Bon Jovi once planned to stage a short holiday there before the kids and wife got back from whatever they were doing, but he booked the wrong holiday and ended up being chased by a bunch of cannibals on the Cook Islands.

It may be notable for some trees located to the south of Frankfurt. Little gnomes are believed to live in this cluster of trees, however, recent reports have deemed them as imps. A full inquiry by the National Gnome Seekers Society is expected to commence next year.

Killer Bunnies[edit]

"From the hills and the tree tops. From the rivers and marshlands."

These were the last words of H. S. Spiztelspaftchunk as he described what he saw as he took his daily dose of vaseline. His body was never found however, a mystic called Barman Trev has been able to tap into the sensual feelings of the forest and say that what this ill-fated man saw was in fact The Dust Bunny's grandchildren. Barman Trev was soon taken away and never found since then. In June 2003, the Frankfurter Sausage Association warned all tourists that killer bunnies were on the rise