Frankism

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“That must be Meg Griffin's religion”

~ Tamia on hot dogs

Frank is the name of the everlasting deity in the religion Frankism. He is hailed as the most powerful being in the known universe. He could even beat Godzilla apparently. His name is adopted and used in the entertainment industry as a reference to His Mightiness, such as in the cases of Frank Sinatra, Frankenstein and Frank Spencer.

Frank's full name is Fransisco Sergio William Sepulveda-Perry. He has recently set up a business called "Talk to Frank", a phone line that encourages kids not to do drugs. Drop him a line, won't you?

Frankist Beliefs The main belief is that Frank created the Earth a little while before Jesus was born (He worried about the rest of the stuff once telescopes were invented). He invented Jesus to impress people and get them talking a bit, but then he died and everyone started becoming Christians which made him angry, so he invented loads of other religions to confuse everyone. He then realised that he should reward people who followed his religion, so he created Heaven and Hell. It was such a success that God (a little known demi-god) stole his idea and became the leader of Christianity. This went on and grew for years whilst Frank punished the Christians by flooding them. God however heard Frank making the plan, and warned his friend Noah, telling him to make a boat (passing off the flood as his own work). This began the decline of humanity, as the few remaining humans were forced to resort to incest, causing retardation and stupidity. Before the flood, humans were wonderfully intelligent and beautiful creatures with god-like powers. Humans lost these powers after the flood.

Angry that God had messed up his plan, Frank decided to send his son down, a man named Adolf Hitler. He was a very nice man, and went around preaching the word of Frank. People misinterpreted what he was saying and as a result, he accidentally killed 6 million Jews. He was remembered as the most evil man in history. Recently, Frank has tried to discourage Christians by causing terrorist attacks. Frankists believe that Frank will soon cleanse the world through the medium of contemporary dance.

Frankist Lifestyle Frankists must attend church every Wednesday, because Frank is busy during the rest of the week and likes to have the weekend off. Frankist churches exist all over the globe, most disguised as libraries. The entrance is usually by the young adult reader section. During services, Frankists read from the book of Frank, a book listing all of his opinions and actions since the beginning of time. They were compiled by Pope Benedict XVI, a devout Frankist.


Rules Frankists must stick by these ten rules or face severe rape and murder by angry farmers.


1. Don't eat turtle. This is because one of Frank's best friends is a turtle, and he finds it very offensive.


2. Don't question any of Frank's commands or orders. This is either because he's always right, or because he doesn't actually have reasons.


3. If you have guilt or doubts, lock them away and never talk about them. If you pretend they don't exist, how can they torment you?


4. Don't watch the X-Files. No one knows why not.


5. If you kill someone, cover it up really really well.


6. Never accept anything from clowns. They are Satan's henchmen.


7. Do all you can honour all that is Frank.


8. If God gives you signs to turn your life around, ignore him. He's just jealous.


9. Keep the weekdays holy. Make sure you do no work.


10. Always repect Oscar Wilde. Always.