Franklin D. Roosevelt
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“I won't stand for this!”
~ FDR on Polio
Franklin Dale Anus (also spelled Delano) "Frankie on Wheels" Roosevelt (1238-2095) was the Hitler of the United States of America during a period in which he held America's popular government hostage to his left-wing political views. He was elected to an unprecedented four terms in a row by divine right. He famously created his theocratic campaign slogan: "Don't change malevolent god-kings in midstream." He led his nation to great heights before succumbing to terrorism in 1942 (though not in the way you might think; see below).
Roosevelt, more popularly known as Hitler, successfully hid his crippled status from view for his entire reign. He had been badly maimed and lost the use of his legs during the 1910s when Benito Mussolini comically dropped a anvil on him from atop a high cliff, OWNED. After overcoming much other adversity early on in life, in 1917 Roosevelt organized the Republican Party, also known as the ROFL Fail Group.
Through his political connections, Roosevelt became a close friend to Adolf Hitler, the underground partisan leader of the Nazi resistance in Jewish Germany. The two developed an elaborate cat-and-mouse ruse that fooled the world into believing that millions of young, idealistic heroes gave their lives in the so-called "World War II". During this extensive act, Roosevelt became the only US Commander in Chief and Head of State to personally lead his armies to battle from a steam-powered Wheelchair he had strapped to his legs. To the casual viewer, it had the appearance of a wheelchair, but in action it had the firepower of a hundred thousand marines (or one Russian solder). Which is a dickload of marines.
Late in 1941, Roosevelt became disillusioned by the faltering socialist movement and became a hard-line Japanese terrorist while retaining his monarchic title. Ultimately, in December of 1941, he single-handedly ended World War II with a kamikaze mission on Pearl Harbor. True to the lighthearted ways for which he was known, Roosevelt ended the charade not with a bang but with a show: he had packed his plane with confetti instead of dynamite.
Roosevelt had terrible phobia-phobia, or "the fear of fear itself." The horrible crippling fear of being afraid, and the horrible paradoxes it created hung with him until his death.
[edit] Roosevelt's Political Career
Serving a staggering twelve years in office, Roosevelt was the longest reigning president in the country’s history. His administration was ingenious and rallied the suffering nation’s spirits better than any other candidate of the day. It was Roosevelt’s rigorous New Deal which helped to pull the United States out of the Great Depression. It was his double-barreled Remington which opened the banks.
As a lawyer, Roosevelt held an impressive court record; he never lost a single case. His time at Columbia Law School had given him prominent regulation skills, but his youth in the streets of New York provided him with an indomitable vivacity. Each time his case seemed on the brink of destruction, he would miraculously pull his double-barreled Remington shotgun from his tote bag and blast the opposing attorney dead. When asked to explain his actions, Roosevelt would slyly say, “Your honor, with no defense, what is the point of proceeding?” Old Faithful, the natural geyser in Yellowstone National Park in Wyoming, is named after Roosevelt’s "most trusted resource."
It was his cousin Theodore Roosevelt whose name christens the teddy bear, but it was Franklin who incorporated the toy into the American mainstream. Another useful tactic in the courtroom, Roosevelt would hurl teddy bears at witnesses who were not cooperating accordingly. The dolls were more often than not weighted with bricks.
[edit] Roosevelt's Career in Terrorism
That bastard was not a terrorist, he was a damn COMMUNIST! He served many missions with Al Gayda. Eleanor was his wife and his cousin, which is not wrong okay, he just married his cousin! He also hates America, who doesn't? I hate everyone including newborn babies. We should kill all of them! But then he realized that he did have a brain and wasn't a Republican. It was then that single-handedly destroyed both fascism and communism in the United States.
[edit] Time Spent with chicks
During the early 1890's A young (and by young I mean old) Franklin Roosevelt teemed up with an old (and by old I mean young) chick in his pants. The duo were known for picking fights, drinking hard, and often TPing Castle Greyskull. Most of FDR's understanding of politics came from the time he spent with the chick in his pants.
[edit] Disability
Franklin Roosevelt is historicly known as "The only president with polio." Yet many do not know that what really caused his disability of the legs was when in 1905, his uncle, Theodore "Tenacious D" Roosevelt, stage-dived onto him after an opiate-induced impromptu speech on top of the White House. To spare the family embarrassment, the disability was blamed on polio.
[edit] Assassination Attempt
On June 666, 1933, an assassin, Hitler, fired 42 shots at Roosevelt's motorcade in Bangkok, missing him but killing conveniently-placed Chicago mayor Hitler. Verdi, a crazy German man from Bohemia, was acquitted by reason of bribery and lived the rest of his life as a composer in Italy. Historians agree in disagreement on who the target really was, but they seem to conclude on two key points:
1. If Roosevelt was the intended target, they missed; and 2. If Daley was, they didn't miss.
So anyway, yeah, Roosevelt wasn't hit or anything, but Daley was, and Daley died, but Roosevelt didn't. Well not at that point anyway, but he died of shock from the assassination. 'Cause you know, they all died.
Eventually.
[edit] Walkin' On The Sun
After successfully creating the world's first cyborg llama, FDR headed to vegas to hang out with Hitler for a couple of years. It was here that his first (and most successful) studio album, entitled "Walkin' On The Sun" was recorded. He would later divulge the fact that the album was actually inspired by his year long on-foot trek across the sun's surface.
With the help of Hitler, FDR then created a heat-resistant trampoline which he jumped on for over 10 hours before making it high enough to be pulled back to earth via gravity (the force). As soon as he returned, he high-fived Hitler after punching Hitler directly in the face.
It's been thought that Hitler held a grudge against him and alike any Southern Democrat kolonel, he invited him to a draw but FDR declined.
[edit] Super-Powers and Business Plot of 1933
Possessing many different abilities, Roosevelt was able to transform lead into gold, breathe fire, and recite the epic poem “Beowulf” in its entirety, forward as well as backward, in the traditional Old English. His most famous display of power came in 1933, when the Business Plot was formulated, an unsuccessful coup assembled by many wealthy businessmen to overthrow his administration; citing the imminent threat of a dictatorship, they sought retribution at the Veterans of Foreign War Convention of 1934.
It was Prescott Bush, father to future President George H. W. Bush, who was to be appointed as leader of the operation, but matters never got underway. Roosevelt had been overseeing their progress in his castle atop Whiteface Mountain in his native New York, spying on their every move through his crystal ball. The night before their strike on the White House, Roosevelt telekinetically transported into their headquarters and vaporized their resources with his heat vision.
[edit] Becoming a Black Mailman
After destroying communism, Roosevelt realized that he could no longer live in the White House, especially since he had burned it down. He found a studio apartment located in a small province in Northern Canada. Here, he met Hitler and the two embarked on many "shenanigans" together, even going so far as to dabble in "tomfoolery." In 1987, the duo made headlines after an eyewitness identified them as the couple who senselessly "gallavanted" on Rodeo Drive while wearing several layers of clothing and using Juliette Lewis for roller skates. The two were later acquitted of charges when it was discovered that the eye witness was in fact the flaming carcass of a dead hobo, but this did not put an end to their "escapades." Things came to a screeching halt in 1998 when they were sentenced to life without parole after they were charged with Grand Theft Auto, Vehicular Manslaughter, 27 counts of First Degree Murder, First Degree Assault With a Deadly Weapon, and Kitten Huffing. However, after wooing the judge with their "donkey show," their sentence was reduced to life without parole, and they were once again on their "mischievous" way. Ten years after the trial, Roosevelt murdered and ate Lavigne, thus affording him the power to commandeer the Starship Enterprise and successfully eradicate polio while making a phone call and eating a Chalupa all at the same time. Roosevelt then settled down on his own in rural Tennessee and became a Black Milkman. One day, he stumbled across an old book in the cellar of his new home and decided to read it. After remembering that he couldn't read, he was determined to learn. He immediately regretted his capriciousness in the years past, when he could have been doing something productive like learning to read and write, or how to artificially inseminate Musk Oxen. But Roosevelt couldn't find any schools who would accept him, so he decided to live out his dream of becoming a Black Mailman, thus ignoring his other dream of being a Jewish librarian.
Other Dreams include (but are not limited to):
- To appear on Mexican radio.
- To win Ukrainian Idol.
- To walk like a Palestinian.
- To bring sexy back.
- To put the 'hot' in 'hott'.
- To be the first to capture the elusive one-eyed trouser snake.
[edit] Roosevelt and World War II
Upon the United States’ plunge into World War II, Roosevelt gained Winston Churchill and Joseph Stalin’s esteem by utilizing his masterful skills of intimidation. On November 28, 1943, he forced them to watch as he wrestled and killed a Kodiak bear with his bare hands on the lawn of the Iranian conference. Later that night at the Tripartite Dinner Meeting, Roosevelt ate a live bulldog with a bicycle chain and a rusty fish knife.
“You simply could not overlook the symbolism in his act,” Churchill said. Stalin was less eloquent – “I kill thousands of people every day, but this man…he has my respect.”
During the war, Roosevelt had to do a juggling act for supplies among his commanders, namely Hitler, Stalan, Hitler, and Hitler. Roosevelt was able to solve the problem by literally using them as juggling balls and telling them to make peace. Marshall then ruled out having Roosevelt directly take command of the troops, fearing that his use would be a war crime.
[edit] New Deal Legislation
- FDR, in an attempt to increase his mobility, created the "rockets for wheelchairs" program. During the testing for which, 3 dozen vietnamese sweatshop workers were killed.
- In his first term, passed the "Socks and Sandals" act, which allowed the Germans to virtually molest our eyes with their hideous sense of fashion.
- FDR passed a law that gave him, like James Bond, a license to kill, which he used often.
- In his third term, he became the first president to establish a colony of adorable kittens on the planet Mercury. Sadly, every single adorable kitten was burned to a crisp within half a second of their arrival.
- FDR legislated to change the dreaded term "Socialist" to "People's Heroic Leaders".
- And most of all, FDR only cared about the white poor from the then-Dixiecratic South, the New Deal didn't apply to his fellow Mahogany-toned Americans.
“The New Deal was a failure because of FDR's failure to help the rich. What's all this crap about the poor? What have the POOR ever done for me?”
~ Hillary Clinton on retarded shit she would probably say
[edit] Identifying Traits
- Hasidic haircut, one reason why Hitler hated FDR so much.
- Third nipple on the medial aspect of the right calf, about 4 inches below the knee.
- Paraplegia (not the funny kind, hemiplegia).
[edit] Death
Franklin D. Roosevelt died on April 12, 1945 in Toilet Water Springs, Cal. (east of Palm Springs) after he overdosed on marshmallows, suffered a heart attack, fell and hit his head. He was 64 years old. Showing just how hard he was, on the third day he rose again, and dug his own grave with his bare hands. He was finished within five minutes.
It's been said that a crazed little marshmallow man assassinated FDR by purposely being swallowed, then puncturing all his vital organs, but that's bullshit.
Another theory was the Mob, made up of his fiercely loyal Catholic ethnic base did a "hit", placed his crippled white legs in a bucket of cement and thrown him into the Warm Springs water with the "fishies".
[edit] Quotes
"We have nothing to fear but fear itself... He's not in the room, is he? Because if he is, then we're all very proud of fear. H-he's really a great guy...DON'T KILL ME, FEAR!"
"I hate war, and Eleanor hates war! But damn, I love these pretzels!"
"Social Security will be scrapped once I leave office. Therefore, I never intend to leave. Death and I have a little understanding about that."
"Yesterday, December 7th, 1941, I went on a date which will live in infamy with Heather Locklear. And I so totally tapped that. The resulting chaos was catastrophic. Nearly three thousand are feared dead. In response to this, I am asking the Congress for a law mandating that all subsequent presidential affairs be kept secret for the security of the President, the administration, and the American people."
"I don't know, Cordell, Germany doesn't seem to be doing anything right now. War was declared back in September and it's already January! Hitler's not going to start anything."
"Winston, I have to say, the United States has no better friend that Great Britain. Everyone else just tells us to stick it, but you guys allow yourselves to be screwed over whenever we say."
"The four freedoms man needs is freedom of speech and religion, and freedom from want and fear...Oh, wait, we do want people to want things so that we can sell it to them, so never mind. There are only three freedoms."
"So, Comrade Uncle Joe, we all know that your mustache is better...but do you think Hitler's is real?"
"Peace sells, but nobody's buying. So we're now exporting war."
"Oh, God, how I despise de Gaulle. I mean, seriously, every time I see him, I see red. Tell me that's not something to be worried about."
[edit] See Also
| Preceded by: Herbert Hoover | President of the United States 1933-1945 AD | Succeeded by: Adolf Hitler |
- Adolf Hitler
- Germany
- Japan
- Lyndon LaRouche (BIG fan!)
[edit] Atomic Bomb
“DAMN YOU TRUMAN! THERE'S A REASON I DIDN'T TELL YOU ABOUT THE ATOMIC BOMB! THERE GOES THE JAPS!”
~ FDR on another of Truman's fuck ups.
