Franklinian Soccer

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Franklinian Soccer is one of the least most popular sports in the world. It was invented by Benjamin Franklin sometime before he invented lines, but after he invented Bad Hair. Most people consider it Franklin's best invention ever, but some crazy people think that prison was a much better invention.

History[edit]

George Washington was well known as one of the most famous SoCcEr players in the world. SoCcEr was a very very very very popular sport. Most people who played SoCcEr liked it. The game was a very simple premise. People would take machine guns and shoot each other. Whoever survived was subsequently shot. The first game box marked the game as having Guns and Violence, making it a perfect gift for your children.

Ben Franklin also played SoCcEr. He liked the game, but not as much as George. He wanted something more fun. After all, Ben's latest attempts to kill himself were not going that well. He had survived being hit by lightning, and no one had shot him for inventing the Library. Therefore, he knew he had to look like an even bigger idiot to get himself killed. Unfortunately for him, an oracle soon predicted the coming of an even bigger idiot, so no one paid much attention.

Ben Franklin's career really kicked off when he started Franklin Sporting Goods. He then began to write the rules of Soccer. After inventing and subsequently destroying reality, he wrote B. Franklin's First Guide to the Rules of Soccer. It was later titled The Farmer's Almanac. Franklin was a very odd man, and most likely on crack or meth when he created the sport of Soccer. Everyone played soccer. Except the lame people. Which was everyone. Soccer was off the charts.

Now the sport of Soccer was unaware that it was about to face some complications. A new sport was rising up, called Bongo!. Everyone is different hates Bongo!, except for those few who play it. So those few who play Bongo! decided to hold a meeting and discuss why everyone hates Bongo! They eventually realized that Bongo! was facing a huge problem-no one liked the name. Not even Dan Quayle. So they decided to start the first Soccer War and overtake all of the Soccer players, killing everyone, including Franklin, and taking the name of Soccer for themselves. They grabbed their shotguns and rushed out to the soccer fields, took aim, and fired. They succeeded in killing every single soccer player who had ever been in existence. Statisticaly, there were absolutely no casualties on their side, and three on the soccer player's side. Ben Franklin was also killed in this assault. It is important to note that Ben was hit on the head with a brick when he was a child. If he was not, he probably would not have missed his attackers.

The International Declaration of Internal Occupational Terminology (IDIOT, pronounced I-D-I-O-T) decided to rename everything that had been invented for Franklinian Soccer, and reassign it to a new sport. They created the sport of Football, and gave them the soccer ball, which they renamed the football. (Due to this football soccer ball confusion, the Europeans, who had been around for much longer then the Americans and thus were mush more interested in current events, started calling the game of soccer by the name of football. This is incorrect. It is called Bongo!.) They also took the soccer bat, and gave it to a new sport called bowling. Using one rock to knock down ten soccer bats, now called pins, was the point of this game. The soccer helmet was given to two sports: construction and destruction.

Games[edit]

Many people play Soccer. However, most soccer players are currently in mental institutions. As a result, most games are held in mental institutions where prisoners patients are currently escaping having a party. Since they cannot create a soccer field with the materials at hand, most of them just improvised. This was not surprising, because Franklin had made up the field in the first place. If you are looking to watch a soccer game, you can strip down to your skivvies and run across the nearest highway, asking if anyone knows when the moon is going to fall. While you will still not see a soccer game, this will be very funny. In addition, if you are lucky, the institution where they put you will have soccer players.

Equipment[edit]

A soccer bat-The most important piece of equipment.
An original Franklinian Soccer ball.

A soccer player's most important piece of equipment is their bat. If they forget their bat, they will probably die. It can be useful as a blunt weapon as well, which is important if the players do not have guns, and most soccer players were searched before entering the institution and do not have guns. Without the bat, no true games can be played. The ball is somewhat important, but failing it, someone's head can be used, perhaps one of the guards at the institution. A soccer hat is also important for soccer. It is just a helmet, but without it many soccer players would die. It is the most important protective gear a player can have, because if their head is hit too hard, they may be sent to another institution for even crazier people.

Rules[edit]

This section was written by a Soccer player

Soccer is a sepimple game, with many rules. B. Franklin's First Guide to the Rules of Soccer was many pages long. Unfortunately, it was lost. Luckily, the game played today is most likely similar. The first, and least important part, of a soccer games, is the numbres. The numbres are on the fields, and they are all looking to destroys us alls. Wes needs to gets these peoples outs of hers, befroes the numbres gets to us-es. The lines are there to protect us from the numbres. They go over the numbres.

The lines are three to protects us from the numbres.

We need to run around the lines, to makes them happies. But wes need to warn the lines we are going to runs arounds them, so we, create, another, rules, and, this, rule, is, to, use, the, soccer, ball, and bat. Player A takes a bat, player 2 takes a ball. If there is a player <, they can get the hat and put it on player A's head. Them players all combine yogethers and the one with the balls gives his balls to the other player by method of throw. The other player then smaks the players balls with the soccer bat. Should he miss, he will be the first to receive a birdy, unless of cource, someone else has received a birdy, in which case he will be the second, or the third, ot the fifth, or the twenty-second, or whatever comes after 7. (Other Soccer Player's Note: It is nine) Once this has all been done, the player who threw his balls away keeps throwing until one of two condidions is met:

1-Player who is whacking balls hits them
A-Player gets an eagle.
In order to get an eagle, you must get five birdies. This is the fun part-once someone gets a whack they run around the lines. Each time they do so it is a down. They stop running when they forget what they are doing. The downs keep getting counted-Some players make it all the way to 4th down, some further. Then all the players throw the stuff in the air, run around in circles, and grab other stuff to play again. This is how it all works, see. Then. The. Other. Players. Repent. The. Process. It is importend. That they do. By the end of the game, everyone starts attacking everyone. It is real fun. Soon everyone dies.

Team Play[edit]

There are no teams, because soccer is a free for all. There are, however, leagues. League play is much different then team play. Leagues do not use fields, or any bats and balls. They just bring guns, and everyone shoots everyone. The survivors are then attacked by the refs. Soon, only some survive, and all are on the same league, or all are refs. They then must attack each other. Eventually, someone wins. They then must celebrate because they are the last survivor due to the virus game.

A league is made up of five soccer players. To this day, no one has found enough soccer players to form a league.

See also[edit]