Freddy Krueger

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“Poser.”

~ Wolverine on Freddy Kruger

“Agreed.”

~ Edward Scissorhands on the above comment

“Since the day I asked him to scratch my back... I have regretted it.”

~ Ronald Reagan on Freddy Krueger
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For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article very remotely related to Freddy Krueger.

“Freddy’s a god damn sexual tyrannosaurs!… Just like me!”

~ Jesse Ventura on Freddy Krueger

“He looks almost as messed up as I do!”

~ Deadpool on Freddy Krueger

Creator of Microsoft Charity Foundation, Freddy Krueger is a world renowned philantropist, a Wikipedian, younger brother to Robby Krieger of the Doors, and older brother to Chad Kroeger of Nickelback. He has raised money for virtually every single misfortunate child he had ever found on the street. He has given money to hobos who have allegedly bought beer and drugs with it. Krueger laughs at this notion, thinking its all lie because he's so nice...sure it is...right...

Early Life[edit]

Fredrick Douglas MacArthur "T-Bone" Krueger was born into a loving family on Elm Street. He was born with a 16 inch penis. The exceptional thing was that he had one hundred fathers, a lot more than common people.

Freddy helping Granny Krueger decorate her Christmas tree.

Well, actually they were stepfathers, but that's another story. This of course made his mom, Amanda Krueger, formerly a nun, the biggest whore to ever walk the earth since the heydays of the Whore of Babylon. For this he was often taunted by other children in school, saying "Son of a hundred maniacs, son of a hundred maniacs" and "Your mom is a filthy whore llll in love, your mom is a filthy whore in love". Poor kid. His mother couldn't stand the pressure of being the only woman in the vast family, so she took her life through strangulation. Freddy's first words were "One...Two....Freddy's coming for you...". His family thought it was cute. When he was in his teens, his entire body was burned when his car exploded in an elaborate hit and run involving OJ Simpson, a rubber chicken, and many metals. The metals were melded onto his hand, and his body covered in nineteenth degree burns. After spending 10 years in a coma, he awoke.

Freddy Krueger at a Christmas Party for Uni-Marts

He realized how much pain and suffering he endured, so he decided to start charity with a lemonade stand. It was only a month later the Board of Health closed the stand due to the "secret ingredient" of the lemonade. He started a snow cone stand, but it was shut down for the "secret ingredient" in both the lemon snow cone and the chocolate snow cone.


Freddy later started up a small charity business called Elm Street Charity in 1984. His partners in the business were fellow philanthropists Michael Myers and Ash Williams. However, he had competition against him.

A lustful stockholder of his company, Jason Voorhees, and his mother, were buying out stock of the company. They desired to add this charity to the massive string of companies known as Crystal Lake Publishing. Krueger and Jason had many conflicts, including one that took place in the base of operations. Freddy managed to kick the crap out of Jason. Jason then sent the case to court!

At court, Jason tried to get Freddy in jail. However, Freddy and his makeshift attorney, Ash Williams, managed to turn the tables on Jason, and send him to jail. Jason spent 30 years in prison with conjugal visits with his secret lover, and Mister Rogers.

The next competitor for Freddy was a silk company owner named Pinhead. He desired to use the Charity for finance for a new brand of silk. He used his "queer" charm in order to woo over Michael Myers. However, Michael embezzled money from Pinhead, running him out of business!

Finally, Freddy's Charity was bought in one sudden swoop by Microsoft. The Charity retained all its former glory, but also required a partial tax to Microsoft. Freddy didn't complain, as long as he could "help the children!!!"

Currently[edit]

Freddy currently lives in athens georgia posing as a marine and taking on the name of gaylord. He still has a 16 inch penis. There have been many official reports around the area stating that he no longer just kills people in there dreams but molests them as well. Nobody knows what brought on this sudden change of unmorral behavior but some belive that it is an upcoming marriage. He has formed a friendship with Pinhead, and has placed a 666 mile restraining order on Jason. He has officially claimed that he will press charges against Leatherface, a former criminal involved in the famous Texas Chainsaw Massacre. The sue will be filled to Supreme Court within the next year. He was exposed last year for having an affair with young teenager, Lori Campbell, who revealed Freddy got her pregnant. His wife divorced him for this, although he claimed he was extremely drunk and that she took advantage of him. Upon learning that his oldest daughter, Jen, was secretly seeing Jason Voorhees during his thirty-year stay in prison, Freddy was outraged. He then turned his anger on his now ex wife Leona, because of her knowledge of the affairs and because she had done nothing about them. She had Freddy arrested on assault charges.

Note: Whoever wrote the previous paragraph obviously did not pass the fourth grade, nor does he have any understanding, real or fictional, of the justice system in the United States. Some speculate he is a dick