Freddie Mercury
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Freddie Mercury or His Holy Greatness The King Frederick Of Mercury And The Entire Universe Of Everything Awesome (incarnated September 5, 1946) was a British Indian God, Chief Sports Queen, author, opera diva, singer, and eventual deity, best remembered today for his many international hits and conquering the world. It is said that Freddie Mercury's voice can stop Humphrey Bogart in his tracks and he is accepted as the greatest singer of all time, despite what those biased, hypocritical assholes at Rolling Stone wrote about him. RIP Mercury!
The rumour that Freddie's moustache was indeed home to several large iguanas is fast gaining momentum. Biologists worldwide are said to have formed a secret society, dead set on exhuming this man's corpse and examining the unusual ecosystems of his facial hair.
Freddie is also notable for his unusual teeth, interesting fashion choices and large collection of cats.
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[edit] Early life
Nobody loved Freddie as he was a poor boy from a poor family, though remarkably well versed in etiquette. As a young boy, Freddie had no escape from reality. He spent many hours looking up to the skies, and one day decided to build a large kite to take him any way the wind blew: It didn't really matter to him, as he had only one vision; he wanted it all and he wanted it now. It was this giant kite which shaped Freddie's future life - shortly into his adventure on the kite, Freddie became entangled in the hair of a young guitarist, Brian May. The huge commotion attracted the attention of Roger Taylor and John Deacon. After spending several hours attempting to remove Freddie and his kite from Brian's hair, the four had become firm friends and (all of them being young, musically inclined and somewhat attractive) decided to form their own band.
[edit] Queen
Through force of their sheer awesomeness (fueled partially by Brain's hair and Freddie's outrageous choice in clothing) Queen went on to conquer the UK and, later on, a large portion of the Earth. Queen first became majorly successful after inviting the British public to a Night at the Opera and a Day at the Races. Soon after, they became News of the World after inventing The Game. Many fans thought they were A Kind of Magic, some going so far as to say Queen were The Miracle of the music industry. Throughout this time Freddie steadily became more and more awesome, eventually growing his trademark, iguana-housing moustache. Obsessive fans would often try to kick the iguanas out and move in themselves but Freddie's army of fiercely loyal cats made sure none were successful.
[edit] Death
After several terrible incidents in the late 1980s (including the death of Dr. Seuss, the election of George H. W. Bush and the opening of a McDonalds in Soviet Russia) Freddie's health began to rapidly decline. His condition was not helped by the fact he was stalked by various "writers" for the British tabloid The Sun. Although it's widely known throughout the world that too much love (and stalking from various "journalists") can kill you, Freddie blamed his ill appearance on AIDS. He died in 1991 but not before imparting a valuable lesson to the world - you will only die of AIDS after you tell the whole world you have it.
Despite Freddie's own claim he was ill from AIDS, it is now widely accepted that he did not die, but became one with the universal power of awesome.
[edit] Legacy
Despite being dead, Freddie's awesomeness remained as a positive force on Earth, inspiring those with bad teeth and strange tastes in clothes throughout the years. The awesomeness of Freddie even inspired the Swiss to build a statue of him. Every year hundreds of thousands of fans pilgrimage there and Freddie is slowly replacing God as the most worshipped person in the Universe. Any way the wind blows, one can find people who adore him.
