Freeport High School

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“Seriously this sucks.”

“Seriously, Hitler is right!”

“Seriously, in Soviet Russia Freeport is fucking awesome.”

~ Russian Reversal on Freeport

“I feel bad I tried so hard to save this piece of shit...”

~ The Jakkal

“Freeport High School, is an abomination. And from all standards, is viewed as shit!”

~ Theamazingjoe

“It sucks...I dunno what else...”

~ That dude

“everything is blocked.”

~ That dude's EX-girlfriend
For the religious among us who choose to believe lies, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article very remotely related to Freeport High School.

Freeport High School is a school of preppy assholes, degenerative nerds, blatantly ugly no intelligence hick bastards, whores,sluts, drama queens and a staff of child molesters, losers and people who didn't complete college and a school officer with a Three DUI record. All in all this is a basic Maine high school.


Dresscode: Freeports dress code is that of the strictest nature.

  • They are not allowed to wear anything that shows any skin that includes the face and ankles.
  • Each student is presented an orange jumpsuit and matching pin number tattoos.

In this school it is also illegal to so much as look at the opposite sex. If a boy and girl are caught touching it is a death sentence... death by rabid piranha-puppies.

There is only one rule for teachers:

  • Make the students lives as horrible as possible, proof of this rule is seen in the bathroom where the Toilet paper is actualy sand paper covered in hot sauce and lemon concentrate.

Smiling is against school regulations and is punishable by whipping with frozen twizzler.

The Early Years (Before it got gay)[edit]

FHS wasn't always terrible, as a matter of fact, at one point it was considered one of the most intelligent school systems in the entire universe. Then all of a sudden Chuck Norris came and roundhouse kicked the former principal I.C. Weiner, in the friggin cock. However, as this guy had no balls it had no effect. So Chuck roundhoused kicked him/her/it beast in the fucking stomach, causing a miscarriage from the sex he never had.

Soon after he left FHS, the new guy I.P. Freely, came in and gave the school a blow job. This caused Chuck to invite his homies, Mr. T, Jackie Chan, and those guys from the the Jersey Shore and they had a massive party that lasted all of four seconds. Then one of those mother fucking guidos barfed on Mr. T, then MC Hammer called out his signature phrase. IT'S HAMMER TIME!!!

Massive dancing ensued, but no one cared, half the school dead by this point thanks to boring teachers like the car, semen, and Quahootzelpa. These teachers were replaced with Dr. Evil, Mini-me, and the The Incredible Hulk.

Now (Basically it sucks)[edit]

The students are terrible, Jesus forsake them, and your mom committed suicide. By killing herself with a brick. It was pretty gruesome. You can learn how to repeat her death by using this tutorial, HowTo:Kill Yourself With A Brick.

Following the Jesus Hitler war of 1972 FHS is divided into two factions. These two factions were known as the Fucks and the Ducks. Because no one wanted to suffer the embarrassment of being called a duck, everyone joined the Fucks.

The fucks reigned supreme in the school, with 100% of the class president's coming from this faction. Then again, with limited numbers of Ducks, this was a forgone conclusion. However, in the Summer of 1989 one brave soul with a two liter of Mountain Dew decided to run for class president, as a member of the Ducks. This was basically the worst idea ever, because being a duck in '89 was about as bad as being a Jew during World War 2. Unsurprisingly this kid, who shall forever be known as Joel, was picked on for his beliefs that being a Fuck was not the best way to be.

Joel however had not failed completely, his rebellion against the Fucks caused many others, namely three, to join his Ducks. Soon after they decided to change the name to the American Idols. The American Idols quickly gained such members as Queen Latifa, Adam Lambert, and god help us, Sanjaya Also, some members of the school joined, effectively cutting the Fucks in half.

Cheezburger Apocolypse[edit]

This event took place 6 before the american idol fucks redneck war. All charecters are fake but all events are real or subject to to false explanation. It was a warm (deleted by FBI)day and (the FBI concealed all identitys of those involved so well call him student 19181145) Had had a problem with Mr.(Deleted by FBI) so he divised a plan so diabolic it had to work. He had his friends (deleted by FBI) and (deleted By CIA) to by him 100 cheezburgers from Mc(deleted By FBI). It took him 5 hours to un wrap them all and prepare his mideval catapult and set up. At noon mr.(Deleted by FBI) was leaving his class room and all Hades broke lose. Pickles, ketchup, mustard and rat feces flew every were. Mr.(Deleted by FBI)was ahnilated and student 19181145 screamed in gle and ran but then came back to ask mr.(deleted by FBI) if he could clean up the mess but with in a second changed his mind and spit on mr.(deleted by FBI) This pissed of the fucks and was a precurser to the following war.

The American Idols-Fucks-Redneck war of 1994[edit]

By this point, the Fucks were no longer in the high seat of power, losing most power to the dreaded American Idols. Apparently singing is more valuable than world domination. The Idols had picked up huge numbers, true, but another third power rose up from the ashes. With the consolidation of 1998 passed, Students from Pownal and Durham began to come to school. Most of these kids found that neither the Fucks no the Idols were worthy of having them join. So instead they formed the smallest of the alliances. This group was called the rednecks. The Rednecks had a bold and powerful leader, whose name has not withstayed the test of time, actually it seems to me as if his name has just vanished. However, by the time, this group came about the leaders of the original factions had left the confines of FHS.

The new leader of the Idols, Aaron Carter was not too pleased about the rednecks being allowed into the school. This caused constant hate crimes and public lynchings in the weeks that followed. The leader of the Fucks, Jakkal, rebelled to join the rednecks, and support them in their cause. This was a pretty dumb move considering he lead the biggest group and became a normal member of the smallest group.

The rednecks were pleased to have a war veteran like Jakkal in their militia, because they themselves had very little military training, and as such were completely defenseless against the hate crimes of these hos. Jakkal lead the 3rd batallion of the rednecks armed forces, and as the commande he taught the rednecks how to be underhanded, dirty, and a bit sleazy, basically teaching them how to be a high schooler. One redneck, Shane rady, did not like Jakkal's message and attempted to assassinate him. Jakkal's body guards, Kyle Stilkey and Theamazingjoe crushed Shane into dust, as his bone crushing death was being carried out, Josh Brady had no tears in his eyes. This assassination attempt caused Jakkal to grow very weary. This weariness, caused him to declare war on the Fucks for no reason whatsoever. This caused a culmination of events like...

  • Michael Jackson's rebirth
  • The death of Harry Potter
  • The cancellation of 24
  • The debut of Pokemon
  • The rebirths of Jesus, Hitler, and Babe Ruth
  • The deaths of every world leader
  • The creation of sex
  • 42 becoming obsolete
  • Your mom giving me a blow job
  • All your base are belong to us.
  • Vatican City declaring war on Russia
  • Russia destroying Vatican City in five minutes
  • The war mentioned at the top of this section.

The number of deaths before these events is undecided as no one really cares.

Random Bullshit[edit]

Somehow all the hatred was forgotten, but for some reason Fucks killed rednecks, Rednecks killed Jews, and Jews killed themselves. Fortunately Jesus revived them all. Unfortunately Jesus and all the Jews were killed all over again. This was known as Holocaust 2. The American Idols disbanded, after realizing no one ever gets famous in Maine. As such, every single one left.

Following the turn of the Century, the school was demolished to create a new shopping mall. This shopping mall was started in 2009, but became so popular, that Freeport decided to level the school to make another LL Bean, because apparently 7 wasn't enough. All the students were forced to go to NYA or drop out, and as NYA was even snootier than FHS, no one wanted to go there. So they all dropped out and joined the Mexican Jelly Bean circus. This is unrelated to the Mexican Jelly Bean Incident of 2032, even though three members of this troop died in this incident.

Under Siege[edit]

In 2009, group of al queda terrorist toddlers interrupted the morning announcement by screaming " Allah Hu Akbar" and blowing up the main lobby with spaghetti bombs.After the Smoke cleared PETA showed up because there was beef in the spaghetti bombs, so they beat the shit out of the toddlers and any FHS students who happened to be near by. It took two months to clean the spaghetti and goat entrails(Dont ask) and the principle declared that all the kids were heretics to the church and burned most of them at the stake but a group of misfits known only as "the table near the dasani machine" rose up to rebellion and beat the principal to death with pillow cases filled with small random midget transvestites with mohawks. After everything was supposedly cleared up there was a new threat:President Abe Lincoln

Lincoln attack[edit]

It was a normal day at FHS when the students heard a loud grinding noise followed by a loud crack! everyone was looking around but didn't see anything so they went back to work until the gym exploded. abe lincoln jumped out of a hole in the ground and screamed " I AM LOLKAT HEER ME ROAAAAAAAAAAAAR" as he started making N00Bs out of the students and teachers with his all powerful light saber spatula-spork and then screamed "I'm PWNing theese punk ass newbs" As he threw a halo plasma grenade and hit a student and killed him and at that moment the intercom came on and said " Stuck, Red Team took the lead" then the legendary group "The table near the dasani machine" came in with their UBER rifles and shot abe lincoln in the nutsac repeatedly until the intercom shouted "HEADSHOT" and abe lincoln screamed "Nos I haz been defeeteds" and just as he said that a pink fuzzy portal opened up behind him and cher came out to drag him back to were he came from...New jersey. and everyone was thanks to the table near the dasani machine.

The Asian Rebellion[edit]

After the abe attack settled down, The students mostly dead, accept for "the table near the dasani machine" and a bunch of asians, The asians and "the table near the dasani machine" were friends at first, but then the asians were repulsed by "the table near the dasani machine"'s Strength, and began to train in the high mountain tops with electro gypsies for 3 years. After building there numbers they Amassed on the grounds of FHS with Egg-a-pults and egg fu swords and called out TNDM to fight, All of a sudden They showed up walking like BAMF's to the the theme song of Barney which because of TNDM Was Badass as hell. Without raising a finger The jakkal, Theamazingjoe,JB and Emocalypse gave them the dramatic gopher stare and their heads exploded in to Confetti like A halo grunt with the headshot skull turned on. And once the day was saved thanks to the power puff..... I mean the table near the dasani machine



  • Cross Country: The pride and joy of Freeport High School. Behind the strong running of a goon, a dork, and a redneck, this team finished second in the State Meet to Boothgay.
  • Soccer: Other than being a stepping stone up to Cross Country, Soccer is unnotable. Well except for the messiah, J. Heathco.
  • Field Hockey: Honestly, who cares about that?
  • Football: Read above, it's fat guys and skinny guys grabbing each other's groinal regions.


  • Basketball: Hard to play due to lack of talent and blacks at Freeport
  • Track: Pride of FHS. Read Cross country
  • Skiing: Well, Well you ski, so I guess it is ok, Freeport tends to do well at skiing.


  • Tennis: One of the lesser played sports at FHS, the Tennis team has four people. All of which are named Bob. The coach is Mr. Hahhhhpahhh.
  • Track: See Track.
  • Baseball/Softball- Both of which are equally awesome. The guys team hasn't won a game in 657893 years. They did win once, against a band of horriblly deformed midget transvestites, however they lost the rematch by 74 runs. The girls team is more successful, with each of the girls being better than the entire guys team combined.
  • Lacrosse- Worst sport ever. If you play you are gay. GAYYYY!!!!!


  • Fishing Club Two words, JV Fishing.
  • Drama Club The teenage girls hang out here, Seeing as their so good at it
  • Math Team Currently competing in an unranked event. Again.
  • Council This consists of five monkeys, a turtle, your mom, and the guy who invented the ocarina
  • Chamber Choir The american idols developed this as an attempt to awe others to join. Most popular songs include: Row row row your boat, ABC's, and finally happy birthday
  • Future Problem Solving As you can see, the future is fucked.
  • Science Club They are constantly designing nuclear warheads for the school.
  • Flannel Club Yes, I'm dead serious.
  • Gay Straight Bi Alliance Somehow the largest club at the school... hmmm.


Most of the classes at freeport high school are of specific manners such as:

  • Picking your nose: The history of snot(A.K.A Biology)
  • How to be a liberal hippie Duche bag with nothing better to do than rag on oil company's and big business's and call them satan(A.K.A environmental science)
  • Whats a number?(Freshman math course)
  • Counting:1-9(sophmore math course)
  • Counting: 10-100(Juniors math course. Note:99% of all FHS students fail this class)
  • Numbers:What they mean to you(senior math course)
  • Towel whipping and locker room harrasment 101(A.K.A Physical Education)
  • How to read and speak english(A.K.A English class)
  • Sex 101:hehe vagina(A.K.A wellness class.)
  • History Of Old Shit(A.K.A western studies)
  • SAT results: No student has ever passed the SAT. Stats:-3% passing rate