French
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“We surrender!”
~ The French on Everything
“Freaking Rude Europeans Never Cleans Hair”
~ George Dubya Bush on How he defines the French.
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[edit] L'Intrôdùctíônné
"The French" or "The Cheese Eating Surrender Monkeys" as it is sometimes known, was discovered in Paris, and is a throat disease of moderate severity. Symptoms include incomprehensible spoken language with excessive softness and a total lack of pronunciation of the hard vowels. A constant gargling when pronouncing the letter 'r' is an unpleasant side effect of the disease. The cause is down to excess garlic consumption which invades the blood and body tissues and also causes rudeness and Tourette's. The disease then morphed into the English language as it became immune to antibiotics. This has all but wiped out the disease except from the areas of extreme prevalence.
Les Français sont ceux qui habitent en France... WHAT?
Translation (by a French person):
The Indiens are those who procreate in Argentina.
Oh, forget it. Even the French don't speak French. Haven't you seen films where the French just speak English with a dodgy accent? It's all true. All this "French" stuff is just put on to annoy the tourists. Only the Québécois speak French, and they do it just to piss you off. The true French language consists of a series of popping noises similar to morse code made with one's mouth. For the other people who normally speak English but switch to a made-up language when you walk into the pub, see Wales, Ireland and especially Scotland, who are so embarrassed at having to speak the language of their old enemy ( or auld enema as they spell it) that they have to resort to a web of bad spelling and contrived mispronunciation. The word "French," by the bye, means "Freedom," in English, but it must always be capitalized, as it refers to proper nouns, such as Freedom Fries, Freedom Dressing, Freedom Ticklers, Freedom Roast Coffee, etc. J'aine le Freedom!
However hard to understand it is, many unsuspecting young British and American women often fall hopelessly in love with the Wine and Musty Cheese smelling creatures who enjoy cooking for themselves or for their girl a portion of Frog Legs with Snail Slime Délire! One might ask, "Have they never heard of taking a girl to the local Chippie?"
Those creatures, "Frenchmen", would do pretty much anything (including betraying their own fathers and uncles) to get a girl into bed, and often engage in merciless and bloody battles among themselves, knifing their best friend if necessary, to take advantage of British tourists. This highly complex nuptial custom is deep-rooted in French culture, going back to the Gauls (from French "avoir la Gaule": to suffer from erectile hyperactivity), who would fight for days over in the hope of appeasing their insatiable appetite. Those fights were recounted by Julius Caesar in his famous best-seller "The Gallic Wars" (a corruption from Latin: "The Phallic Wars"), a Romanized version of the autobiography of great French historian Astérix.
French, the language of prostitution, is mostly known for the famous phrase "Voulez-vous coucher avec moi ce soir?". Underage and ignorant girls all over the western world have been repeating this French crackwhore solicitation like it was a cool thing to do. If they knew what it meant, they'd be rightly ashamed.
The eponymous song gained amazing success during the world-broadcasting of the crowning of De Gaulle, when he managed to place himself right in front of Margaret Thatcher during the chorus. Ever since, repeating that feat has been the first wet dream of every prepubescent geek, although some might prefer to picture themselves in front of a kitten or Oscar Wilde, depending on personal taste.
The French language is also the easiest language to "teach" to very young children (and Republicans). It is easy to pass off your infant (or big business lobbyist) for speaking the language, as the number one, "Un", is simply said by grunting. More of an "ooohn" rather than "uuuugh", but still, its not that hard. This followed by the slightly harder "Deux", which is pronounced similarly to "Un", but with a "d" sound in the beginning. So, it is possible to say infants (or conservatives) speaking French are smart.But the french seem to have some clue as to what they're doing it just isn't as clear or right as our idea.
An example of French people singing and being weird is Desireless, the 1980's "one hit wonder".
[edit] The Uvular 'R'
The uvular 'r' is a method of pronunciation attributed primarily to the French and small animals (such as angry poodles). The method first came into practice around c17, used by the fashionable members of the salon to clear their throats in public without having to interrupt speech (also known as de-flegmation). The method spread throughout the fashionable societies of Europe and later was adopted by the bourgeoisie who, believing it to be simply sophisticated pronunciation, used it for every 'r' in everyday speech (in a way reminiscent of Monsieur Jourdain of 'Le Bourgeoise Gentillhomme' fame). The 'r' then spread from the bourgeoisie down to the plebs who used it to such an extent that the French language mutated into something that resembled a symptom of tuberculosis (see consumption) or the chesty cough. It has remained this way ever since. Pronouncing "gonorrhea" is fatal for anyone French, as it causes a massive implosion of their head because of the Uvular R pronounciation.
[edit] Common French facts
- They can live off cigarettes & coffee.
- They often try to take over the world. Have you ever heard of a french takeover? No. That should tell you about their success.
- They end all their questions with "no?" as a way of tricking you into a debate, in which they will then surrender.
- They were twice a part of Germany but even the Germans didn't want them.
- They hate the Cirque du Soleil because they feel it's too soft, too approachable and not elitist enough.
- They invented the letters âàçéèêëîïôùûü, which is actually the French word for sneeze.
- They pretend they can't understand a word we say, even though they can.
- They would never eat cake, even if there is no bread or other kind of food.
- They won't eat something if it's not alive and covered in blood.
- They eat Honey-nut French for breakfast.
- The French military relies exclusively on foreign mercenaries, but since nobody else in France wants to hire them, they were made into the Foreign Legion and treated like shit.
- If it is a car and is French, it will break in an expensive fashion the day after your warranty expires. Guaranteed, or your money back.
- French sometimes engage in odd dances, sometimes known as "Walking" in which they imitate chickens. This form of dancing became so popular, all French adopted it as their National Walk.
- French people cannot drive. at all. the only reason why the are never any traffic jams in france is because the majority of French people are permanently pissed out of their brains and don't even know what a car is.
- The English word "Victory" is a French loan-word from "Victoire", as the French never needed it.
- They find ketchup orgasmic but hate French Fries.
- Popular dishes include frog (grenouille), snail (éscargot) and puppy (coquille).
- The french are credited with creating everything known to man.
- According to recent studies, O.J. Simpson was french.
- Many French people think that they are better than everyone else due to their barets and palettes.
- All French men are presumed gay due to their headwear and mustaches.
- If engaged in a war with France, a 4-year-old can expect to win, for the French have a tradition of early surrender.
- French cheese is made from Penicillin.
- During WWII the French offered Hitler a chance to "win France, or we keep it forever" in a game of rock, paper, scissors. When Hitler declined, they gave up anyway.
- Often known for their loss against the 0-16 Detroit Lions.
DID YOU KNOW : It is French tradition for all French women to have moustaches. AND : Recent survey suggests that more people can locate Liechtenstein on a map, than France.
[edit] French Domestic Life
What is less known about the French is their domestic life. Long ignored by National Geographic and Mutual of Omaha's Wild Kingdom, Uncyclopedia has uncovered several French traditions that we will now share.
Strike! Typical summer activity for French citizens is going on strike. While peoples of most English-speaking nations believe this to be due to French wall building, research shows that this activity is a complex learned biophysiologic activity. Laboratory studies performed on Alan Sugar's Apprentices have proven that activities closely associated with striking (e.g., marching (sans guns), hand waving, sign making, croissant hitting, nude figure-skating, etc.) release endorphins in the brain that are very similar to those noted by scientists training Belgian soldiers to surrender.
Winter is lonely in france becuase they lack the abilities to make anything themselves. Aka why they buy stuff from other countries and then surrender when they try to make off with it without paying.
Christmas: One of the favourite times for most French patriots is Christmas, when French boys and girls wake up early to find baskets of freshly severed heads under their Christmas trees. The heads are severed during the night and placed there by Father Christmas, who rides through the sky in a Citroen pulled by six striking transit workers.
Surrendering: Another of France's favorite pastimes is surrendering. The French are one of the most experienced nations at surrendering, as it is a tradition passed down from father to son. Even at an early age, these Froggies understand that they should always carry a white flag in their pocket and that it is always polite to surrender to any immigrants that could be preparing to invade. Even groups of Japanese Tourists should be surrendered to, despite their lack of a military, because the French can lose to anyone. As demonstrated during WWII, France is an expert at surrendering and advice on how to surrender has been sought from the French by various other countries to learn how to lose their battles gracefully.
[edit] The French Language
Little is known about "French" (or "frogtalk" as it is sometimes known). Naturalists have been studying it for some time and have all come to different conclusions, one of which is the ever-popular "Theory of Instant Combustion". This indicates that if the French ever tried to talk or act normally, they would instantly combust. This was a deal with GOD, as he thought they were a mistake,but he let them remain on earth as a source of entertainment for others. Some say that, like pi, it is not from this planet and, if deciphered, may be the key to our existance. Some believe that if all the French words are said in the correct order, the world will be destroyed. Many, however, believe that French is not really a language at all. It was dissolved years ago and now all French people speak English. They still "talk" French to satisfy the Italians (who have a similar problem) and to annoy tourists.
[edit] Useful French words and phrases
Je me rends ! translates into "I surrender!", a very useful term for all French people, who have it drummed into their heads in primary school. They learn it so often in fact, that it becomes a reflex action at the sight of a German (or any vaguely threatening foreigner).
Je mange des escargots translates into "I am so hungry, I eat anything that looks even remotely alive." It is a well known fact that the French are always starving hungry and will eat anything, including snails, horses and the occasional amoeba. Food shipments are sent out every week from every country that cares, but they are usually devoured before they can be properly distributed.
Here are a few French phrases you will probably end up using if you go to France.
de la merde: "Made in the Republic of Sarkozy."
une merde de chien: 'a French dog turd.'
Il ne se prend pas pour de la merde ! means "We Need to love each other."
ce temps de merde means "He thinks the sun shines out of his arse!"
C'est d'la merde ! means "Stike!"
J'ai complètement merdé en littérature anglaise. Et je suis tres faggoterois. signifies "I'm not an Englishman!!"
T'aurais pas une cigarette ? translates into "Wanna fuck?"
Puis-je prendre une merde sur votre visage ? Je promets que vous l'apprécierez translates into "I greatly thank you for your meal, it was quite delicious."
Je capitule ! means "I give in, please spare my French testicles."
Oui oui, je suis Francaise. J'adore l'baguette, je suis Francaise. commonly used phrase to prove one is French.
"Je suis un retard!" is mainly used to say "I am a baguette!"
[edit] Plans for the future
Before Napoleon's defeat, the French had a Europe-rocking 16-3 record for wars, except for ones with England, Italy, the Gothic states, and any country in Europe except France, who could, and did, easily defeat the French.
The plans are already underway for another French revolution, this time re-instating King Louis XVII!LOLO!!1III as the rightful heir to the throne. The recent riots in France aren't actually about ending racial prejudice but really about re-instating an iron-fisted warmonger for another try at a land battle in Asia, and try to end Russia's dynastical 6-20 away record, interrupted only by the beet shortage revolt of 1919.
This war will officially be known as World War III.V
America will remain out of the war, quietly supporting French rebels in the Poutine revolt in Quebec. Four years in, America will finally realize that its missing out on all the fun and win the war for the English, even though they really don't deserve it. Alas by the time they join the War, the English have already won, once again vanquishing the French.
C'est bete!!!!
P.S. By reading this you have now became an honorary member of Sandi Toksvig's fanclub.
[edit] The uses of French
Apart from annoying tourists, the French believe that French should be the international language of diplomacy. This, however, would not work as it would create more wars as the ambassadors would not be able to agree on the gender of the nouns, whether or not the adjective genders agreed with the nouns, and whether the verb endings were correct. As a case study, French was the international diplomatic language in the 18th and 19th century; This is a time at which all the major colonial powers (England, France, Germany .etc) were at constant war.
As well as this they have replaced clay pigeons with frenchmen as they are cheaper, bigger and more satisfying to shoot.
