French history

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
Jump to: navigation, search
Pitcure says it all
Not that hard to find at all.
The national flag of france since 1940.

France itself is easy to find. When you walk through Europe and come across a country where bad smells such as rotting cheese issue from peoples' foreskins, you've reached France. The best thing to do in this situation would be to leave, however, how could you make fun of them then? The choice is yours. However, the history of this appalling country is interesting - or not...

Origin of the name[edit]

The literal origin of the word 'France' comes from the ancient Latin word 'Francio' meaning 'Total racist and stuck up assholes that give up on every war they've ever been involved in just because they are to obsessed with shagging cheese' The French argue, however, their country is brilliant. Everyone else agrees its fucked and nobody cares. Yet in 1939, the Germans decided to invade Europe, and whilst the British fought like hell to stop them, what did the French do? Yes, you guessed it, surrendered. After this, the European Union decided that France should be renamed 'Totally fucked coward land'. The motion was originally passed, however, 'Totally fucked coward land' could not fit on the world map, so the name France is still kept. The irony is that the company creating the maps were French. They have no dignity.

French Heritage[edit]

In the 1890's, some fanny tried to revolutionize France, this period of the French Revolution - or Shit Period - is the reason for all French crap to this day - Such as:

  • Their love of cheese.
  • Surrendering techniques.
  • Shitty crappy streets that are too bloody small.
  • Crappy housing.
  • Crappy language.
  • Crappy people.
  • Crappy cars.
  • A football team that wanks over the referee 24/7.
  • Fuck-ugly girls.
  • French kissing.

However, the peasants revolted, leaving France in utter shit - something they have not recovered from yet and never will do.

Also, in 1943 in Second World War, there was a French general named 'Isaac Cox'. Nicknamed 'Ass-face', he bravely hid behind a bush whenever he heard a noise, and ordered all his troops to follow suit. This sparked off a new revolution among French Scouts, changing their motto from 'Be Prepared' to 'Surrender before your fucked' - a motto all of France now follows.

The introduction of baguettes caused laughter among all who are learned in French crap. The French used to be the biggest buyers of dildoes in the 20th century - mainly from Sweden. However, in 197god knows what, Sweden stopped selling their dildoes to France. French women went emo and started to slit themselves, until a man named Jean - Paul Fackerballs invented a long bread loaf that was just the right shape to shove up French women's pussies. This is the reason why French people love baguettes so much.

Typical French food.

The French capital, Paris, is supposed to be the world's capital of romance - who judged? I don't know. Anyway, Japanese people regularly come to Paris, expecting a brilliant, romantic city. But, to 330 peoples' disappointment, however, they are wrong. These 330 people died because of a condition which meant that they are so let down by the appearance of Paris, they became terminally ill, and died in hospitals in France. Ironically, this happened to a Japanese couple in 2002. Unlucky.

French cuisine, of course, is often held as French heritage and a national treasure. And what with the frog's legs, snails and undercooked meat, why shouldn't it be? Well, I certainly can see why; because I agree with anyone who says that French is not worth the plate its served on. It's disgusting. It's a waste of money. A waste of effort. A waste of poor French peoples' time. But the main problem is this. You look up and down the menu to find something that you are least likely to spit out. Then you pay an arm and a leg for it, and then begins the long, tedious wait. In this wait, you fall asleep. Drift off into a coma. Your wallet and credit cards are stolen by some French pikey gypsy. Your girlfriend leaves you, has an affair with the old pervy man on the table near by. Gets pregnant. Has kids. Has grandchildren. Gets a pension. Flies home. Takes leave in an old peoples' home. Meanwhile, your food is lost up some French waiters arse and you are 180 euros (£60) out of pocket. The moral of the story is; take a packed lunch for goodness sakes!

Stereotypical Views[edit]

Typical French man, or so you thought..

Commonly regarded as a weak military force, France stereotypically gives up in wars. This was made clear, after someone hacked into Google, and whenever you searched 'French military victories', and alternative suggestion was issued, saying 'Did you mean: French military defeats'. Someone clearly dislikes the French. On the upside, however, France haven't run away from a major war for over 60 years now (although regularly run away from 3rd world guerrilla forces, such as Indo-China, Alergia, ect). Wow, an achievement. We are all waiting for what they'll do in the next World War. Surrender is a more - than - likely option.

The basis of most French stereotypes rests with associated images of seaside residents of bicycles, with paint pallets, selling onions, wearing berets and in white and navy striped tops. However, if you do ever happen to find it within yourself to venture out into the wilderness which is that of France, then be wary. They are not at all like what you may stereotypically think of them. They are worse. Rude, impolite and they talk in the wrong language. I'm sorry to let you down. Yes, I really am. The alternative is of course, don't go to France. Hey! What a great idea!


French people are well known for their fashion sense... well, not really, but at least they like everybody to think they are. Their biggest brand, Antichrist Dior really sucks, especially after they told John Galliano to f*** off because he was British, and Napoleon hated British people. Once Galliano departed from the company, Dior lost their sense of style and racism.

French people are also known for their cheese smelling perfumes. Chanel No. 5.1 (invented in 1221) was the first perfume of this kind and it is famous to this day, mainly because of it's boring bottle and urine color. Initially, it was called Chanel No. 5.0, but the company had to change the name after they lost a lawsuit started by American rapper Nelly, who claimed that Chanel copied in 1221 the name of his 2011 album "5.0".