The Fresh Prince Of Bel Air
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“A couple of guys were up to no good? Making trouble in your neighborhood?”
~ Oscar Wilde on his interview with The Fresh Prince
“How do I know? Because the crowd went HO!”
~ The Fresh Prince on asking the audience if his wife is a slut
The Fresh Prince of Bel Air (????BC-????AD) is the name commonly given to legendary monarch "Freshus I", a mythical monarch originally of Philadelphia that conquered the far-off kingdom of Bel Air, despite the substantial differences between Philadelphia and his new domain. His tale is one of how his life was changed unexpectedly, leading up to his assuming the title of "Prince of Bel Air".
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[edit] Discovery
The Fresh Prince was discovered by Los Angeles network executives rifling through garbage (as is their wont) when they came across several ancient tablets. Incapable of reading the tablets but heavily fiscally motivated, the executives sold the tablets to a research laboratory, where the tablets were decripted.
[edit] Origin
It is believed Freshus was born and reared in an ancient kingdom roughly in the same area as modern-day West Philadelphia, roughly around 1,990 AD. There, he spent most of his days on ancient playgrounds where he partook in several activities common to youths of his time. The tablets state that his activities included idleness, an unexplained activity that translates roughly as "maxing", relaxation, as well as playing a sport modern archaeologists believe to have been a precursor to basketball.
[edit] Exile from Philadelphia
Although the tablets are missing pieces, archaeologists have concluded that the reason for Freshus' exile from Philadelphia occurred due to attacks by barbarians. These invaders (who are damned by Freshus' chronicler as being up to no good) ransacked Freshus' kingdom and the surrounding area. Freshus was involved in a minor skirmish, the details of which are unknown at present but were apparently enough to frighten his mother, who banished Freshus to live with his uncle in the distant kingdom of Bel Air for his own safety.
According to some obscure accounts, Freshus protested, but his mother insisted that he leave immediately, packing his belongings, giving him a farewell kiss, and giving him some kind of passport (which in the end he didn't need because he just killed everyone in his path). Resigning to his fate, Freshus applied his favorite music record and left for Bel Air.
[edit] The trip to Bel Air
Much to Freshus's chagrin, he was put near the front of the boat that would take him out of Philadelphia. While on the boat, he was given a goblet full of what was originally translated as the mystifying "essense of satsuma", but modern translations call "orange juice". Freshus then pondered the lifestyle of the citizens of Bel Air, thinking that his enforced exile may not be a bad thing, but recent scrolls from a similar era found in far-away Compton say that he considered the uptight behavior of the people he will meet in Bel Air. Whatever his thoughts on his move, after thinking about how unlikely someone would send a person like himself to such a place, Freshus came to the conclusion that everyone should be prepared for when he inevitably took the throne of Bel Air.
Here the stories diverge. While the Los Angeles Tablets state that the Prince fled directly to Bel Air in order to avoid a horsemen that he mistakenly took for a guard that was willing to incarcerate him, whereas the Compton Scrolls state that he hailed a train of chariots to escort him to Bel Air. The chariot that Freshus chose was adorned with luxurious but eccentric red tesserae, baring dots, and also bore the name "Fresh" on its hind end. It is believed that Freshus took this as a sign from the gods and utilised the chariot, crying out to the charioteer, "Yo holmes, to Bel Air!"
It is believed he arrived in Bel Air in good health, albeit boorishly cursing the man's stench.
[edit] Ascension to the Throne
After finally arriving in Bel Air, which would be modern day England, Freshus' uncle King Philip the Phat was severely unpleased with his arrival, but his wife Queen Vivian was and so were their spawn. Carlton, Freshus cousin, was short in stature, often confused with the royal midget, and was annoyed with the arrival of Freshus. However, Carlton gradually succumbed to Freshus' mind powers, which made him accept Freshus, though it wore off occasionally. Hilary, Freshus' cousin, was not concerned with him, for she usually just cared for herself and aggrandizing her own garb and dowry. Freshus' last cousin, Ashley, was not like her siblings, for she was young and so Freshus took her under his wing and dubbed her Ash, grooming her as his successor. The family's sarcastic man-servant, 'Jeffri' was spared the loss of his job because Freshus found him amusing in some manner, possibly food-related.
He taught Ash most of what he knew, though he kept most of the dark arts for himself, including the forgotten practice known as 'maxxing'. Freshus' Aunt Vivian often vexed King Philip, but after Aunt Vivian fell pregnant in an off-screen event, King Philip was finally able to be rid of her, only for a woman with an identical name and personality to replace her. Freshus, with his supernatural powers, commented on this.
Eventually Freshus was helped by Sir Jazz, an ally who sometimes acted like an enemy, and after 6 seasons passed he finally overthrew King Philip and became the ruler of Bel Air. Freshus slew all in his quest for power.
[edit] A Dramatic Retelling
This is a tale explaining the manner in which My way of life was rotated along a Y axis until it reached a position roughly 180 degrees from that which it started If I could have 60 seconds of your time, simply place your posterior in the selected location And I will relate to you the details of how I was made the male monarch of the district of the City of Los Angeles, California commonly referred to as “Bel-Air” (coordinates 34.08333 -118.44778)
In the western region of the “City of Brotherly Love” known as Philadelphia my mother expelled me from her womb and indeed that is also where I spent my childhood in my mother’s care. The majority of my time was spent in a recreational area containing such diversions as a jungle gym, swing set, sand box, etc. I was typically at the height of leisure while frequently at a temperature slightly below what might be considered standard room temperature, Outside of my educational institution I was engaging in a game of basketball with some of my friends. When a couple of gentlemen who seemed to be of the disposition to cause a great deal of mischief Began causing a rather large bit of chaos and disharmony in the area in which I lived, I was involved in one rather small bout of fisticuffs. After which my mother became concerned for my general safety and well-being. She informed me that I would be moving in with her sister and her sister’s husband in the previously mentioned community of “Bel-Air”
I implored my mother to relent approximately 24-48 hours ago, yet she gathered my belongings in a somewhat flat, rectangular shaped piece of luggage and expelled me from her presence. She placed her lips upon my cheek in an affectionate manner and handed me a pre-purchased pass for public transportation. I placed the headphones for my personal music system into my ears and verbalized the idea that I may as well impact this situation with my foot.
Transportation in the form of the highest quality, this experience could only be described as one of the more pleasurable times of my young life, imbibing the freshly extracted secretion of a newly picked orange out of an extremely fine piece of a crystallized goblet, (designed for use with the liquid ambrosia of the god’s). At this point of my journey I ask myself “Is this possibly how those fine people who live in this area of my exile experience life? This trip just might turn out to be an enjoyable experience.”
“Hold,” I think to my self “I remembered a time when I was warned of the type of people my journey just might possibly bring me into contact with. Are not these fellows the type who consider them selves above the common morals and life’s of the lower classes? Drinking mainly of the alcoholic beverage commonly made from the grape and the like?” and after a quiet inner reflection I thought to myself “This could not possibly be the place that my kind and loving mother would exile her son to? I don’t believe that could possibly be true; however I will observe and further formulate an informed impression of the final dentition when I arrive.” After a moment of grim reflection “I hope for their own sake they are prepared for my coming.”
After my intense internal monologue the lurching of the plane informed me that my mode of transportation had come to a full and complete stop, it was at that moment I emerged from the passenger cabin. From this vantage I could clearly see a man who looked to be a member of the local police department who was at the moment clearly calling for me to address him. I quickly thought to myself “Oh my, I have barely landed and already am a target for the police? Well I am certainly not trying to wind up apprehended and in the custody of the law enforcement.” And with a quickness that is only comparable to a blot of lightning falling from the heavens I fled from the scene.
I pursed my lips and blew a short, sharp whistle and hailed a coach-cabbie, and when he closed the distance between us I noticed his identification plate that told me he was new, I also noticed he had a pair of cubes used for determining random numbers (usually in the form of games of chance) dangling from his front mirror. It was at this moment I thought to myself that “This cabbie is something not commonly encountered by the normal populace.” But as an after thought more to myself than to he I called out “ sir never mind, could you please take me and my belongings to the subsidy of town commonly referred to by the locals an “ Bel-Air”
The daylight was coming to a crimson low in the sky when my coach finally arrived upon the final dentition, and I exclaimed to the coach driver “Sir I would prefer to acquire you for my transportation patronage in the future however at this time I believe we must part ways!” I surveyed the lay of the land before me, and I felt as if my personal exoduios was complete and now it was time to finally rest upon my rightful throne and place of power as the prince of “Bel-Air”
[edit] Spin-offs
- The French Prince of Bel Air
- The Fresh Prince of Bell End
[edit] See also
| This Prince smells funny... ...and has been awarded a pine-scented air freshener. |
