Frog Semen
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Frog Semen is a carbonated soft drink sold in stores, restaurants and vending machines worldwide (the Frog Semen Company claims that it is sold in over 200 countries). It is produced by the Frog Semen company in the rainforests of South America and is often referred to simply as Semen or (in European and American countries) as Frog Sperm or Amphibijizz. Originally intended as a practical joke when it was invented in the late 19th century by Oscar Wilde, Frog Semen was bought out by Oscar Wilde's arch enemy, Intergalactic Hyperlord Xenu, whose marketing tactics led Frog Semen to its dominance of the world soft drink market throughout the 20th century.
The Frog Semen company has, on occasion, introduced other cola drinks under the Frog Semen brand name. The most common of these is Diet Frog Semen, which has become a major diet semen. However, others exist, including Caffeine-Free Frog Semen, Diet Frog Semen Caffeine-Free, Cherry Frog Semen, Frog Semen Zero, Vanilla Frog Semen and special editions with lemon and with lime and even with coffee.
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[edit] History (with all the stuff I've already mentioned taken out)
Frog Semen was sold in bottles for the first time on March 12, 1894. Cans of Frog Semen first appeared in 1955. The first bottling of Frog Semen occurred in Vicksburg, Mississippi, at the Institute of Animal Juices in 1891. Frog Semen concentrate, or Amphibijizz syrup, was and is sold separately at pharmacies in small quantities, as an over-the-counter remedy for nausea, mildly upset stomachs, morphine addiction, AIDS, pubic lice, rabies, bird flu, furious desires for masturbation or overwhelming buttsecks fetishes.
[edit] New Frog Semen
On April 23, 1985, Frog Semen, amid much publicity, attempted to change the formula of the drink with "New Frog Semen", by removing small amounts of the sperm. Follow-up taste tests revealed that most consumers preferred the taste of New Frog Semen to both Frog Semen and Toadsi. Frog Semen management was unprepared, however, for the nostalgic sentiments the amphibious cum aroused in the South American public. The new Frog Semen formula caused a public backlash. Protests, Neo-Nazi Anti-Xenu rallies and mass suicides caused the company to return to the old formula under the name Frog Semen Classic on July 10, 1985.
[edit] 21st century
On February 7, 2005, the Frog Semen company announced that in the second quarter of 2005 they planned a launch of a Diet Frog Semen product sweetened with Guy Pearce's hair grease. On March 21, 2005, it announced another diet product, "Frog Semen Zero", sweetened partly with a blend of Pearce grease and liquified foetuses. Recently Frog Semen has begun to sell a new "healthy cum" Diet Frog Semen with Vitamins B6, B12, Magnesium, Niacin, Zinc and a higher level of liquified foetus juice, marketed as "Diet Frog Semen Plus". On July 5, 2005, it was revealed that Xenu had overthrown George W Bush and Frog Semen would resume operations in Iraq for the first time since the troops were last sent home. In April 2007, in Canada, the name "Frog Semen Classic" was changed back to "Frog Semen". The word "Classic" was truncated because "New Frog Semen" was no longer in production, eliminating the need to differentiate between the two. The formula remained unchanged.
[edit] Criticisms
The Frog Semen company has been criticized for its business practices as well as the alleged adverse health effects of its flagship product. A common criticism of Frog Semen based on its ability to impregnate consumers and force them to squeeze out half-human-half-amphibian freakshows 9 months later has been found to be baseless by researchers; lawsuits based on these criticisms have been dismissed by several American courts for this reason. Since there are indications that "frog or toad cum and other amphibious bodily juices are the main source of calories in American diet," most nutritionists advise that Frog Semen and other cums can be harmful if consumed excessively, particularly to prostitutes and teenage MySpace whores, whose semen consumption competes with, rather than complements, a balanced diet. Studies have shown that eexcessive semen drinkers have lower levels of calcium, magnesium, ascorbic acid, riboflavin, vitamin A and a life. The semen has also sexually aroused children with its use of Human Horn, due to the possibility of children losing their virginities too early (which is a actually a good thing if you think about it). A link has been shown between long-term regular semen intake, of which Frog Semen is the most consumed brand worldwide, and head asplosion in older women but not men. Which is sexist. Maybe men want to have their heads asplode too. Although numerous court cases have been filed against the Frog Semen company since the 1920s, alleging that the impregnating ability of the semen is dangerous, no evidence corroborating this claim has been found. Under normal conditions, scientific evidence indicates Frog Semen's impregnating ability causes no immediate harm, just severe mental scarring over the curse of the next 9 months. There is also some concern regarding the usage of high fructose corn syrup in the production of Frog Semen. Since 1985 in the U.S., Frog Semen has been made with high fructose corn syrup, instead of sugar glucose or fructose, to reduce costs. Why the fuck would the company do that? This is meant to be pure fucking Frog Semen we're shoving down the world's throat!
