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We've all awoken of a summer morning to the enchanting tendrils of frost creeping up the window panes, haven't we? But have you ever wondered what it is, really, scientifically?

Frost is defined by sensible men in white coats as an insoluble precipitate of a liquid polymer composed primarily of oxides, with an admixture of acetates, aldehydes, ketones, particulates, transferric ions in suspension, and to a lesser degree volatile alkane residues and congelate transverse vapours.


At the molecular level frost is dominated by quinqueangular hydrogen bonds transmitting van der Waals forces between iterated arrays of microtubulin receptors. Each ganglion (local cold spot) protrubes (shoves) between two and seven serio-conductive allantoin nexus ramules with intermittent farnarkling isopods, which convey ATP resonations through its transfer RNA infra-pustules. Periodically, the conduit seed isomery flips chaotically between hemistable receptor pulse conditions, absorbing nitrogen from the air. In radiometrically active conditions mononucleic allotropes are preferentially absorbed, giving the frost its characteristic 'twist'.

Commercial uses[edit]

Traditionally harvested by seafaring folk as a byproduct of the kelp and edible seal industries, frost defied mass-scale commercialization until the 1960s, when developments in nano-oceanography allowed the separation of seafood residues by centrifuge. As the seashore is for obvious chemical reasons the primary source of macro-scale frost, kelp-rich countries like Bahrain and Newfoundland early on dominated the commercial sector in frost.

Today frost is shipped across the world in specially constructed blister packs that allow it to be released and placed on the lower part of windows whenever required. Artificial frost, made of ground-up soya brains fed to other soya brains then winnowed through irregularly perforated soya intestines and filtered through reconstituted corkscrew-shaped soya prions, is popular in China and Brazil but banned in the EU because of the unbearable pong.

Windows are not the only things that can be frosted. People have experimented with frosting the front door, their legs, their pets' legs, and MacOS. Sometimes colourful dyes are introduced to give their legs a more interesting appearance and to disguise the fact that they're going blue with cold.

Frost in mythology[edit]

In Western European countries Jack Frost is believed to be a jovial, harmless fellow who comes along in the early hours and spreads frost over good children's windows with his microtubular paintbrush. In Iran and Turkmenistan he is hanged in effigy each feast day of St Stephen. Children in Samoa leave hollowed breadfruit out in the hope of encouraging frost to appear on the grassy sides of their vala (hut). This is a pyramid scam run by the same people who told them a Yap stone coin in their stocking would guarantee chocolate ice cream and extremely cooperative Swedish actresses.

See Also[edit]

Whore frost

It's Also a Band, Bet You Motherfuckers Didn't Know That[edit]

It's this epic modern prog band, they spell their name like Frost* with the asterisk, just because it's prog to do that.