Fruitdog

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Those obsessed with so-called experts should thank their lucky stars that Wikipedia does not have an article about Fruitdog.

The Fruitdog, many scientists believe to be, is the missing link in the evolutionary chain between plants and mammals. This is not to be confused with Snoop Dogg, or the What's Up Dog. Hailing from central China, their natural habitat being the bamboo so loved by the Giant Pandas, probably accounts for their near-extinction. Considered a panda-delicacy, these intriguing plant/animals can cause severe menstrual cramps in females and severe homosexuality in male pandas, which in turn explains the panda’s near-extinction.

Fruitdogs are known to make a lot of noise on full-moon nights, and will bark at you for no reason. Barking is an offensive mechanism to ward off natural enemies of the Fruitdog. Barking consists of shedding their outer layer of bark, often with speeds exceeding 10m/s, spraying splinters and semen to both protect itself and to attract ripe females.