Fulham F.C.
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“There's an F in football, and there's an F in Fulham... but there's no F'in point ever asking me if we're going to win a game.”
~ Chris Coleman on Fulham
“Tadadadah...The French surrendered... to FULHAM!!!”
~ Oscar Wilde, after Fulham beat Arsenal 2-1
Fulham Football Club (nicknamed the Cottagers - seriously!) is, surprisingly, a football club. They currently compete in the English Barclaycard Premiership, and are based in London. Supporters of this team have been known to be stupid and the drunk. What is particularly amazing is that supporters of FFC never give up hope, and even when they know they're going to lose 100 - 0 they can often be found down the pub, getting pissed and singing every bar song known to man. FFC supporters also have the loudest voices; one FFC supporter can match that of 300 Chelsea fans. Fulham fans consider Chelsea to be their mortal enemy. They like to think this is reciprocated by Chelsea fans, but it isn't, as Chelsea fans are far too busy living in Devon or Bournemouth and claiming to be lifelong fans who have seen 'Peter Oswood' play to be occupying their tiny minds with who their rivals are. One famous Fulham football ground was called the Half Moon.
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[edit] History
The Cravener's roots can be traced back to 1878, when senile farmer Ricardo Emptypork hired a team of 20 youngsters to rid his farm of poisonous cabbages by kicking them into a strategically-placed barn. After 6 months of successful cabbage-ridding, Emptypork realised his team could compete in T'Olde Footballe Championship of West Yorkshire. After winning the trophy 23 years in a row under the team name 'Emptypork Rovers', troubles arose after disgruntled Yorkshiremen banished Emptypork and his crew to West London, never to venture back to the Northern Territories again. This is when the "We promise to be crap and not reach the top flight until sometime in the late 20th Century" Treaty was signed. Emptypork also decided that 'Emptypork Rovers' was a stupid name and instead changed it to 'Fulham Soccer Club', which was the name of a local bakery, for some obscure reason.
[edit] Hard-Knock Life in London
The Treaty's purpose to prevent domination from Fulham's incredibly talented players and create a level-playing field for years to come, although in 1912 the rule was relaxed to allow Fulham participation in the top flight, but under the condition that they finished no higher than 10th. Despite the best efforts of talented players such as striker Ernest Figglewig, who played for a record 45 seasons, scoring 321 goals, and goalkeeper Norman 'Yaaarrrrgh!' Owned, Fulham struggled and never reached even 10th in the 14 seasons they enjoyed in the top tier of English Football.
Tragedy struck in 1976 when Emptypork died suddenly at the age of 132, being mauled to death by a Canadian wood beetle while on holiday in Texas. Amongst the candidates of new chairman was one Mohammed 'I'm richer than you'll ever be' Al-Fayed, who took control of the club but hired Norman Owned as manager.
[edit] Rise to the top
Owned's reign as manager ended when Fulham lost a record 73-0 to Tottenham Hotspur in 1983, when Dimitar Berbatov scored 32 goals after travelling back in time and changing his name to Glenn Hoddle. Owned was subsequently replaced with a bunch of increasingly unsuccessful but quite lucky managers, and it wasn't until Jean Tigana's appointment in 2000 that Fulham's luck changed. Jean Tigana can be described as successful but unlucky, in as much as that he successfully negated the need for luck as a sufficient cause for success, unluckily this was contradictory and confusing for the author who then realised he was trying to be a clever dick and decided to shut up.
Since then, Fulham have been managed by Cole Chrisman (brother of Cole Porter, not related to Father Christmas) and have been obscurely mediocre for the majority of the last 7 or 8 lightyears. Or so it seems, unless, of course, you count obscure mediocrity as a success, and you don't have a broken calendar which slightly distorts your personal sense of time.
They got the the FA Cup semi-final a few years ago. Maybe.
Fulham is famous for slaughtering Chelsea FC and Scousonia at the first and second battles of Craven Cottage in 2005 and 2006. When the United Arab Emirates wanted some too, they were spanked and told not to be naughty.
[edit] Fans
Fulham fans known as the cottagers have given rise to the term cottaging due to their famous half-time toliet antics. Away fans refuse to use the toliets at the ground in fear of being sexually assualted. During the years of terracing, the sight of the urine flowing down the away stand influenced George Best to move to Craven Cottage as it reminded him of his drinking days.
[edit] Successes
Who knows what the Inter-Toto Cup is?
No? Care to have a guess?
Nobody?
How about the East England Burberry-Dingle Consolation Cup?
Still nobody?
Fine. It's still more silverware than Hammers, QPR, Charlton, Palace, Brentford and Milwall put together. (Hey, look! Fulham is actually the third-best team in Lahndahn!).
Actually it isn't, they've actually won trophies. Sorry Fools.
Anglo-Scottish runners up 1975 Never got over that one...
[edit] Famous Players Past and Present
| Name | Tenure | Nationality | Position | Notes |
|---|---|---|---|---|
| 'Santa' Claus Jensen | 2003-Now | File:22px-Flag of Denmark.png | MF | Skinhead midfielder, doesn't seem to play much, but absolute SHIT when he does. |
| Steel-Head Malbranque | 2000-2005 | 
| DF | HeadButter. Small willy. |
| Ian Pearce | 2001-Now | 
| DF | Determined to win the as-of-yet stillborn FIFA award for 'Most Useless Defender in the Entire Fucking World'. Has all the qualifications to win said award when it is conceived. |
| Zat Knight | 2001-Now | 
| MF | Was actually very good until about a year ago, even got picked for England. Was called the Knightmare before being shiped out to Aston Villa. Apparantly, Ian 'Mary' Pearce told him about his dreamt-up 'Most Shite Player'-award somewhere around 2005, and Zat 'The Zit' has been competing for it ever since. |
| Luis 'Dead Snake' Boa Morte | 1998-2006 | File:22px-Flag of Portugal.png | MF | Was captain, but set of to West Ham, where he had an ability transplant and is rumored to be on his way to the Dog and Duck. |
| Sylvester Legless-winky | 2001-Now | 
| GK | Still wets the bed. |
| Moritz Volz | 2001-Now | 
| DF | Mental Kraut full-back, David Hasselhof's illegitemate lovechild. At Fulham because he is not French enough to play for Arsenal. |
| Steep Marlet | About 7 minutes |
| FW | Possibly the greatest Fulham player in history. There is an ongoing petition to have the burger van at the side of the Hammersmith end renamed in his honour. On his day as good a player as Bruce Dyer. |
| Brian McBride | 2001-Now | 
| MF | Enjoys bleeding profusely, headers and in general being better than you. Has a problem with his accent and fails to speak proper English. |
| Clint Dempsey | 2007-Now |
| MF | An american rapper also known as "Deuce" that doubles as an extremely passable football player. Is married to Pat Noonan of the New England Revolution football club. |
| Jesus Bullard | 2006-2009 |
| MF | Amazingly, Bullard defected to Hull City during the winter transfer window for no reason. Loved on Soccer AM...loathed everywhere else |
| Jonathan ( jippo ) greening | Somewhere on the pitch | Did you know Greening owns the blue-yellow van which he goes to every game in. When Greening was 25 he learnt what a shaver was though he has never learnt how to use one. Could be Jesus. |
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