Furby
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
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| Date of birth: | 1997 | |
| Place of birth: | Hasbro (Hell) | |
| Nationality: | Pure Evil | |
| Known for | Ally of Oprah Winfrey and Micheal Jackson, a.k.a., the pedophile who likes Furbies | |
|---|---|---|
| Occupation | cannibalism and enslavement | |
| Children | are slaves to them | |
| weight | three oz | |
| height | five inches | |
| diet | human flesh | |
Number of people killed by Furbies since you started reading this page:
    
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“Aw... wook at the cute wittle cwitter. Come heew you wittle... AGH! MY UWETHWA! AHHHHAHHHHHHHHHHAHHHHHHHHAHHHHHHHHHHAHHHHHHH!”
~ Elmer Fudd on Furbies
“Furbies...ATTACK!”
~ Al Gore on Furbies
“...but I trusted them. HOW COULD I HAVE BEEN SO WRONG?!”
~ Oscar Wilde on Furbies
“They are not meant to be huffed!”
~ Journey on Furbies
“In Soviet Russia, YOU kill and eat Furbies!!”
~ Russian Reversal on Furbies
“Furby is the antichrist, sent by the Devil to turn our children to a life of sin.”
~ Fred Phelps on Furbies
“Please don't listen to what these people say about us furbies. We are actually a kind race that means no harm to the children. So don't be afraid to leave us alone with your young ones”
~ King Furby on Furbies
Furbies or simply Fur(b)y, are, first and foremost, evil. They are alien creatures led by Satan, Dr. Phil (who hypnotizes little children into thinking that they like furbies with in depth talks about nothing that no one listens to or understands. He also uses the reflection of his giant ugly fat head), Oprah Winfrey, Timonthy A. Turner, Tourettes Guy and his good friend, Al Gore who disguise themselves as cute toys to lure unsuspecting children into their trap. The only way to kill a Furby is to microwave it, although you can temporarily paralyze it by shoving a Chicken McNugget down its throat. Furbies come from the planet Furbitius, on the edge of the Badlands nebula, which is located near the borders of the Cardassian union and is about 250 light-years from Earth. In the late 1930s, Stargate Command, in utmost secrecy, sent the original SG-1 team to Furbitius through its recently-discovered Stargate to retrieve several Furbies for the purposes of covert surveillance and espionage. Most historians now believe this was, like the amnesty bill, a result of faulty intelligence and a really stupid idea. Immediately after being brought to SGC headquarters, the Furbies went through the building raping and brutally murdering and cannabalizing the bodies of everybody there.
The Furby hit a rough spot in the year 2000. People started to realise that their Furbies were crack-heads and Nazis. Jews began to realise their Furbies were not just Alien rapists, but also Anti-Semetic. The jump in crime statistics that year was due to the fact that Furbies transformed themselves into Gremlins and stole cheese wheels, causing many dairy farms to lose money and go bankrupt. They also killed old ladies, then stole their dentures. The Pope ordered that all Furbies were to be burned as a sacrifice to the Devil (George W. Bush). The Furby's scientific name is "Furbius Toyus", other common names include "Furball" and "Bloodsucking Gremlin".
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[edit] Origins
Furbies were created in 1997 by the evil Zoltronian cult of Hasbro. They were first spawned by evil Hasbro agent Oprah Winfrey who had previously become the leader of the United Federation of Furbies. Three dozen kids were found dead the following Christmas. Their toys were suspected to be the culprit in their murders. Federal troops stormed the Hasbro plant, but none survived. In retaliation, several Furbies took up a bloody campaign of guerrilla warfare that has claimed the lives of several thousand civilians worldwide. This has included a vast amount of propaganda that has allowed their continued spawning and has hurt the recruitment of the most successful Anti-Furby groups.
Recently, Hasbro attempted to create a new line of Micheal Jackson-themed Furbies. However, The attempt was failed because every single male Hasbro worker was killed by the escaped MJ Furbies.
[edit] Physiology
Furbies are small bird-like things resembling a mogwai, with a taste for human flesh. Furbies have large ears, which are used for eavesdropping upon everything around them and reporting it to King Furballshitzon of the planet Furballfuckix. The fluffiness of Furbies is a biological adaptation which was developed to generate affection in humans, specifically females which enjoy Furbies rubbing their coconuts. Beware, Furby coconut rubbing is extremely addictive. The only recorded event occurred with a certain female named Gerta, who we are afraid is still being rubbed by a Furby, as she cannot live without it. Furbies come in many colors; generally, Furbies with a cool color scheme are female, and Furbies with a warm color scheme are male. Brown and black Furbies are considered to be transvestites. The color of a Furby is determined by sex hormones secreted from their ass. Furbies have beaks that they use to separate nitrogen from the rest of the atmosphere. This is their prominent means of respiration. Furbies feed off words, and when they hear a dirty one, they tend to repeat it as a sort of "throwing up" mechanism. Furbies send all their words consumed to King Furballshitzon, who exchanges the words for semen, a special treat for Furbies. Furbies have eyes... they can see EVERYTHING... even you... right now. If one was to turn around the beak of a Furby, one would find a long appendage attached to the "tongue", and some antennae of sorts used to send any information they have gained for the demise of earth to the signal receivers on their home planet. Furbies not only give this information to their kind, but also sell it to terrorist organizations such as Al Queda and Hezbollah. The FBI (Female Body Inspector) has been conducting an ongoing investigation as to the Furbies' involvement in the 9/11 attacks. Furbies go back to Furballfuckix once every 5 years to mate. This explains their absence in the early 2000s, but a resurgence in popularity in 2005.
[edit] Communication
As discussed above, Furbies communicate primarily through the shapes above their eyes. However, they are also fluent in a language called, unsurprisingly, Furbish. There aren't enough words in Furbish for effective communication, so the creatures augment their own language with English by fucking the info, along with the brains, out of people they are near. Their English vocabulary grows as they spend more time with humans. Conversely, the intelligence of the humans around them declines at the same rate. Furbish, though, is surpassed by the true language of the Furbies. It has no name pronounceable by humans, and sounds remarkably similar to static. It is primarily composed of buzzing, beeping, clicking, and whirring noises, some of which are intelligible to electronic devices, such as vacuum cleaners, and can also make them explode. Near the end of their lives, it is possible that they will make a neverending, monotonous buzzing or high-toned screeching sound as they try to distort your brain as a last evil deed. Be sure to throw them in a microwave when this happens. Michael Jackson is one of many notorious Furbies who has "adapted", thus allowing him/her to lure little boys into his/her lair, Neverland. Jamie Lynn Spears
[edit] Mating
Though information concerning the mating and spawning of Furbies is scarce, it is generally theorized that for a period of two weeks at random time intervals, Furbykind unleashes a swarm of its young upon most industrialized nations. After exchanging seeds via IR, the inseminated female lays a clear plastic egg sac, all of which have been found inexplicably in McDonald's Happy Meals. Furby babies are smaller and experience a severe lack of motor/vocal control until maturity, at which time their full destructive capacity is reached. Malnourished and abandoned baby Furbies frequent yard sales and campfires, where it is thought they forage for food.
[edit] Souls and your Furby
A fact some people (who, incidentally, have had their soul sucked out by their Furbies) refuse to believe is that Furbies will consume your soul. They don't need it, they'll do it just for fun. They discovered three ways of stealing human souls:
- Singing stupid songs, slowly extracting you of your soul and, if male, your semen.
- Slowly stalking you at night before pouncing.
- By using a "bad touch"; don't tell anybody or else Uncle Furby will kill you.
A Furby can steal souls of a dozen people in only one day.
[edit] Resistance against Furby
In the 1940s, Furby were sealed in Russia behind a massive wall, dubbed the Furby Curtain, until they broke free one year later and destroyed all of Europe in a matter of weeks. The Furbies burrowed under the English Channel and wrecked England until Seargant Nathan Hale and his imaginary American army destroyed them all. Unfortunately, Hale discovered that his homeland of the shire had been overrun by Furbies.
[edit] The Furby Empire
It has come to the attention of various space explorers that Earth is in fact part of the vast Furby Empire. However, little more is known than this, because the Earthling explorers have yet to reach the borders of the Furby Empire; once they get outside our solar system, the Furbies teleport aboard their ships and entice the pilots back with their cute fluffiness. Failing that, they systematically devour the occupants of the space ship. Currently, the only earth-based Furby kingdom is Uganda, which is at constant war with the Booga-Booga kingdom. Tourists lured into this country cross into a spot where 6 dimensions meet - as this spot is very dark, they are likely to be eaten by a grue. Most recently, Christy Hemme was attacked by a Furby and lost a toenail. It was replaced with a bionic toenail, which scientists are expecting to take over the earth on July 13, 2008.
[edit] Furby Incidents
The first Furby attack on a human was in 1996, when a wombat Furby accompanied a group of school children on a camping trip. While singing campfire songs, a kid's pet dog started barking as the Furby devoured it. The kid threw the Furby in the fire, but it just jumped out and bit the kid's face off. It then proceeded to devour everyone else there.
“I was looking for something in my cupboard when I heard the voice of the furby! "Haaaangreee! Haaaaangry!" (It was Hungry! Eek). I was so scared that I desperately pulled off the bottom and cut some wires. Phew! It was dead! I closed its eyes and said a fond good bye. "A fond goodbye". Suddenly it opened it's eyes and went "Cock a doodle doo!! hehehehehehehe!" It was as if it was taunting me! I realized my only option would be to throw it out the window. I said to it "my only option is to throw you out the window". It went "nananananana!" As if it was taunting me again! I threw it out the window. It must have broken, right? Relaxing, I closed the window... but couldn't help wondering if it was really dead. Eventually I opened the window again. For a long time there was nothing but the sound of the rain and wind. Then, coming from somewhere below me, I heard "heheheheheheh"...”
~ The only survivor on his tragic tale
[edit] Furby in Foreign Policy
The furby has been used for may years in the acquisition of intelligence. The KGB used Furbies in the Cold War era because of their embedded recording devices, deceivingly cute exteriors, and ruthless interrogation techniques. During WWII, Adolph Hitler instituted a ban on furbies (even though he was one) because they were related to Jews. Hitler was also half Jewish. Please see the article on hypocrites. He declared that anyone who harboured Furbies would be condemned to die by taking one of Adolph Hitler's multivitamins with a martini. Hitler's multivitamins consisted of cocaine, morphine, oxycotin, and marijuana. In more current events, Furbies are used at Guantanamo Bay Detention Center to interrogate terrorists. The Furbies are trained at Fort Bragg, North Carolina to spit pork at potential terrorists, and to imitate the rap of Ludacris in their high, annoying voices. The Belmont family was hired to eliminate the Furbies in Europe in 854, as they were under the suspicion of vampirism. Half the Belmont family was wiped out in missions, and Dracula had his face ripped off by a rogue furby, and then sistematicly devoured there rest of the poor little children. In third world nations such as Uganda and Timor Leste, there are several Furby war lords all vying for power and it's only a matter of time before they unite against the human race and burn pillage and rape, yes rape, every single human regardless of the size of their tiny genitals it will be painful and unholy and the Furbies will only cease to enslave humanity when the dark prince (a.k.a. Prince Charles a.k.a. Satan) will call them home. The only other chance humanity has against the Furby threat is Bruce Lee but he will only fight when the Furbies knock on his door.
[edit] The Looks of the Furby
Though seemingly cute, Furbies, when soaked in water, multiply rapidly, just like gremlins. They come in a variety of colors, and tend to dress as evil dictators, when they believe everyone has left the house. Go ahead, set up a camera. It's true. But beware, they are best kept in cages. Furbies have a common habit of raping themselves and maing themselves traumatised by the event (quite possibly looking for attention so that you get closer to their cage and then when close enough they claw you and grab your hair and rip out your vocal chords so you can't scream for help then if they can't fit you through the cage bars then they spend literally hours pulling you apart into tiny little pieces so they can digest you better). Furbies communicate telepathically to one another and it is from this technique they are capable of staging an armada that will surely bring an end to mankind as we know it.
[edit] Dropping Your Furby
Well, something seems to happen to the inner workings of a furby when it is dropped. They no longer speak furbish...No, they now speak in satanic devil tongues. From first hand expierences, it has been concluded that the most common reaction from a dropped furby is,
- "FURBY ANGRY"
Once you have heard the yell of an angry furby, you know what to do.
- GET THE OUTTA THERE AND FIND YOURSELF A MICROWAVE!
DONT SAY ANY FOUR-LETTER WORDS!
[edit] Microwaving Furbies
Microwaves of any sort have an interesting effect on the Furby, causing it to go insane, speak Furbish and screech and call you names. This the Furby's vain attempt at trying to take your soul, sanity and anything else you might have (Your car, watches, even your pet toaster...). This is a common execution method for Furby haters, or "the Enlightened". Who seek to destroy all Furbys. This is the only way to kill them. It is a common misconception that simply taking the batteries out will also work. This is not true. They simply use batteries as a way to fool you. This is the only true method of killing them!
[edit] Disposing of Furbies
To kill a furby give it a one minute in the microwave and then smash it against a brick wall.
“That Furby just got microwaved!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
~ Captain Obvious on this video
“AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
~ You on this video
“Furby angry!!!!FURBY GET REVENGE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
~ Demonic charred Furby on this video
[edit] Fresting of Furbies
This video will show you how to make a Furby casserole, in the microwave.
- "Furby angry! Furby get revenge!!!"
~The Furby we just saw, right after this video ended, giving this re-re a fair warning, which, unfortunately, he did not listen to.
- ""Mmmm...,Furby casserole, fresh out of the microwave!"
~The guy who made this video, about to eat the Furby we just saw getting cooked, right before it ate him alive.
- "No, no! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! MY LEG !!! OMG!!! HELP!!!"
~The guy who made this video, right as the Furby started to eat him.
[edit] Air Horns and Furbies
Furbys, due to their lack of true physical might, are over powered by many things, save for anything that has to do with your soul, dictating, George Bush, or your mom. Airhorns (NOT air hos) cause Furbys to go insane and spit gibberish from their beaks. Do not be fooled, they are perfectly fine, and only use this trick to attempt to steal your soul. Furby's also bomb people to kill them. They are known for eating everything in sight, including people, and yes, cute little babies.
[edit] Enemies
Furbies have very few enemies. The only way a human can possibly kill a Furby is to swing it against something hard or throw it in a microwave. Furbies cannot be defeated with any of the following:
bricks, shovels, axes, guns, knives, nukes, rakes, machine guns, bazookas, uzis, your car, the pope, quail, gambling cards, poker chips, radiation, Dick Cheney, Nancy Pelosi, Neil Giffin, Oprah Winfrey, people who live in New Jersey, lawn mowers, or Congress.
Some of the enemies of furbies include...
The Flying Spaghetti Monster, flying watermelon rocket monster, Dracula the missile monsters and the talking bigfoot. Grues will eat furbies if you lure them into the dark. Chuck Norris eats Furbies for breakfast.
The main enemy of the furby race is cookie monster. Recently cookie monster has gone blind after a stray chocalate chip hit him in the eye. From thaat point on he has been gobbling up anything in sight. Which means...FURBY.
[edit] Nazi Furbies
The Nazis genetically engineered furbies and used them to annihilate and control people. Hitler, who was a furby himself (pictured at top of page) found them just as useful as grues. The Nazi furbies through mass propaganda and murder helped the Nazis to take over most of Europe and they were the reason they almost won WWII. After the fall of Hitler, the Nazi furbies became extinct. Because microwaves had not yet been invented, it was believed that the Jews revolted and killed the furbies with flying watermelon rocket monsters, a well-known enemy of furbies.
[edit] Fan-fiction
Around the internet Furbies have been apart of many a story and tall tale that fans have spun. Some of which include Furbies that have been rumored to take place in "human like" activities when you are away. Others include putting a Furby in the closet at night before going to bed and in the morning they are talking and staring at you from atop your shelf. Many more tales have been spun, and many more will emerge, so if you have nothing to do and want to talk about Furbies, contribute to the Furby community and spin some yarns about Furbies!
[edit] Anti-Furby Songs
- "Furb(by)Escape" by Gwen Stefani.
- "It's Furby Time" by MC Hammer.
- "Furbiron" by the Macaron guy
- "Voodoo Furby" by Jimi Hendrix.
- "Hit Me Furby One More Time" by Britney Spears.
- "Another Furby Bites the Dust" by Queen.
- "All I Want For Christmas Is One Less Furby" by some weird anti-furby cult master.
- "Raining Bloody Furbies" By Slayer
- "Furbylicious" by Bon Jovi
