|WARNING: This is NOT the True Godzilla™!|
“I sent him to live in the Sydney Opera House!”
“I also send his ass to the Sydney Opera House!!”
“I knew that tuna-head wasn't enough to match!”
“You bastard! I already screwed New York!”
“He was our best agent.”
“He's dead! Now's my chance!”
GINO (Gay Idiots No Orange juice), Zilla, French Godzilla Tuna-Head or Shitzilla (born in 1998, died in 2004) is the cheesy, load-of-crap ripoff of the real Godzilla. We don't know exactly where he came from, but we're pretty sure it was somewhere around the French Polynesian islands somewhere. We think he is the illegitimate child of either Oprah or Barney the Dinosaur. Yeah, it must be Barney. But then again it could be just some stupid iguana. Imagine that, Billy Mays slapping an iguana. Oh... oh, wait...no. NEVER imagine that. Ever.
Zilla's conception occurred in the brains of those gay arch-idiots Roland Emmerich and Dean Devlin. Please note that this creature is NOT a fat guy in a rubber suit, or the original Godzilla, and he has subsequently been caught for his vile crime of impersonation. He is currently serving time in the Sydney Opera House, mopping the floors and getting his eardrums blown out by the sumo singers.
We really have no idea where on earth this stupid beast came from, but apparently some knuckleheads were really dissatisfied with the
fat guy in a rubber suit true lord of the universe himself, and decided to remake it with that load-of-crap CGI.
We're not even sure when he first appeared, but in 1996, after the much crapped-upon Independence Day came out, the two gay partner-director/producers Roland Emmerfuck and Drag queen Devlin decided they needed a better film, one with a lot more CGI and less cool special effects. After stowing away on a Japanese freighter, they landed in Japan, where they found Godzilla himself sleeping. Not wasting the opportunity, they quickly stole Godzilla's film rights and rushed back to America via a giant octopus.
Finally, with the stolen plans to the Death Star, they proceeded to produce the Greatest Film Ever Made in 1998, Godzilla, on the Polynesian Islands.
Zilla's abilities are few and far between, and probably the lightest in the galaxy. Here are a few:
- Radioactive Kaboom spray
- Tuna Breath
- Fire breath
- Champion of the featherweight wrestling championship
- Can run up to 40 mph
- Not being retarded as Batista
- Leaving a burning pile of OxiClean on your yard
- Having 20,000 illegitimate children with himself. Only one did not inherit his dumbass ability
- Buying 160 sticks of "Suicide Putty" after killing a bunch of people
- Being beaten by King Kong to New York
- No dick
American Godzilla was born from an egg on the Polynesian Islands, when Billy Mays and the ShamWOW guy discovered this 5 foot, 6 inch egg that was laid by a cannibal guy, or possibly Iggy the iguana. It pains us to have to write this, but it's the truth and we cannot suppress it. At first, they called him "French Godzilla", but when the U.S. media got a load of that, they decided to suppress it (unlike us, your perfectly honest newscasters) and called it "Godzilla", dropping "French" out of it. Later, followers of the original Godzilla gave him the name "American Godzilla", so no one would confuse him with Godzilla. But all those gosh-darn Americans did.
At first he was fairly small and very polite, but when Billy Mays let loose with a huge radioactive, 140-meter tall scoop of OxiClean detergent he caused all the iguanas on the island to mutated into gigantic, 70-meter tall, OxiClean-like copies of Jay Leno. Thus the beginning of French Godzilla.
Getting his first job
French Godzilla got sent to the local military school to learn how to handle a gun, but after he accidentally shot and stomped the head instructor, John Wayne, he was expelled, along with a lot of gas. Distraught, French Godzilla took a job at the local army base shovelling radioactive OxiClean piles (most of which was his fault, BTW). However, after he poured a 50-meter scoop of OxiClean on the head of the base, Napoleon Dynamite, he was immediately fired. Angry now, but still not too angry, he was hired as a lowly technician inside a radioactive plant. But when he leaned on the lever that said "Do not lean on lever", that was the end of that. Kablooey.
Angry now, French Godzilla swore revenge on all humanity. After coming into contact with the Al-Qaeda he trained vigorously in the art of buying 160 sticks of Suicide Putty after killing a bunch of people. After months of hard training and becoming a Nazi, French Godzilla returned to his home to show case his abilities to his friends and family. With one spray of Kaboom!, he caused a gigantic nuclear explosion which blew away the whole islands, and swam off seeking to destroy New York City.
Close encounter of the first kind
One dark, stormy night, a Japanese cruiser (which was later misidentified as an American cruiser) was out on the Pacific Ocean, lights and music ablazin', when suddenly the first mate spotted a gigantic wave headed toward the boat. He tried to turn, but the wave hit it side on. This was thought to be a rogue wave, but it was actually the result of turbulence caused the French Godzilla's big spray of Kaboom! cleaner. The boat tipped over and the cook was nearly stabbed to death by knives flying off the ceiling (what the hell were they doing on the ceiling, anyhow???)
The boat capsized and caused a bunch of passengers to have to band together to get to the "top", but that's another story.
Close encounter of the second kind
Later on, giant radioactive footprints (followed by giant radioactive great big piles of OxiClean detergent) were discovered in Costa Rica and Panama, and some little nerdy job named Kip Dynamite was sent to investigate. But by the time he got there, the radiation was so strong it mutated him, causing him to turn into the Incredible Hulk every time he ate hot dogs. So that was the end of that...
Besides, they turned out to be giant footprints from some big Brachiosaurus with a large tail, and we never knew what became of it, because Dug the dog destroyed the whole investigation just by talking nonsense... (he startled the commander while he was placing explosives, and he screamed and blew the whole shed and consequently all the vehicles apart)
Close encounter of the third kind
- THE CITY THAT NEVER SLEEPS (AND IS CONSEQUENTLY ALWAYS FRIGGIN' GROUCHY)
One dark night, in a cornfield right beside the ocean, a man is sleeping in bed when suddenly he hears the bench on the front porch start to rock. Then the windmill starts moving. Then the lawnmower starts up. Then he sprays Kaboom! on an entire building. Then, whaddya think happened? A big UFO came and beamed him up? WRONG! Suddenly his cabin exploded into flames, because French Godzilla had come along and dropped a gigantic bottle of Orange Glo on it.
Following this, he sunk three fishing boats (he thought they were transporting ice cream, his favorite food), and then pulled some poor little fisherman's pole into the water. French Godzilla didn't mean no harm, but when that blasted hook caught in his tongue he got so mad he tore that whole flipping dock apart.
French Godzilla actually attacked Tokyo (or some other obscure Japanese town), but this was once again misinterpreted as an American town, and was replaced with New York City. By this time, French Godzilla was really mad, so he started stomping all over the city, blowing up the World Trade Center and a bunch of other buildings with his fire breath and spraying Kaboom! all over the fish markets. However, things got really out of hand when our friend heard the OxiClean commercial going by. Since he just loved OxiClean, he had to follow it and consequently ended up blowing up more trucks and stomping more pedestrians and stepping on more Burger King restaurants and blowing up skyscrapers with his radioactive OxiClean scoops.
After this, French Godzilla overwhelmingly made people shocked, so he became the source of the 9/11 attacks and ruler of the fallen Twin Towers, forcing all the citizens to adapt to primitive ways, including worshipping giant statues shaped like the ShamWOW guy, and sacrificing their best ShamWOWs, Slapchops and cow poop to him. From then on, his title "French Godzilla" was dropped, and he became either "American Godzilla" or "Emperor Zilla".
Revolt and Overthrow
American Godzilla got so content drinking Duff Beer and chicken huffing and eating salmon he never realized that a revolt was being planned. One day, while talking with his famous ally, Chris Bores, American Godzilla heard the ice cream truck go past. Bores thought it was the Wii, so they both went after it. However, it was a trick: the truck took them to the Brooklyn Bridge, where the two got intertwined in the suspension cables. They were then forced to listen to the most horrible song on earth, "Crank Dat", (and who was behind it all? Ned Flanders!) and consequently both their heads violently exploded, blowing up the Brooklyn Bridge and the rest of New York.
However, it became apparent that at least American Godzilla survived somehow, but Bores died... Flanders definitely survived, as he is unkillable (he possesses the terrible "Diddly-izer G-1"), and he must have regenerated AG. When Godzilla found out about this cowardly evil who had been impersonating him all this time, he decided it was time to put a stop to it. And none too soon, for a Klingon invasion was underway. Commander Pteranodon sent hundreds of dinosaurs to attack major cities all across the globe, putting them all under his control.
American Godzilla was hesitant at first, but when the prospect of a world-dominating missile (the Omega-Genesis Missile) was presented, he fell for it at once and attacked Sydney. However, Godzilla was waiting for him there. With one great Tail Whip of Justice, he sent the drunken politician into the Sydney Opera House, where he was forced to listen to "Crank Dat", played by the actual rapper (yes, Ned Flanders was even responsible for the whole incident), and once again causing his head to explode. Pterodactyl, in a drunken rage, gave him the new name "Tuna-Head". A T-rex, who was also under Klingon control, came to his comrade's aid, but Godzilla and Flanders battled him before he could arrive. A re-animated Chris Bores tried to escape into space, but Godzilla followed and hurled the Dark One himself into the sun. He was never seen again.
How To Combat Giant Mutated Lizards (e.g. Zilla)
A giant mutated lizard is never an easy opponent, being about 400 feet tall, big, strong, and generally quite badass and better than you. But it isn't all doom and gloom, for giant mutated lizards are easily destroyed! The 1998 "film" Godzilla is in a fact an international educational video on what to do when giant lizards attack.
How to Combat The Lizard: by Majic Johnson
- Be confident; be strong. Remember, it's still a pathetic iguana underneath that great, radioactive, hulking exterior. You're a human, aren't you? You're better than every other failed species on this planet. Just because it's 400ft tall and could easily destroy you doesn't mean the battle is lost!
- Ensure you have trucks of fish nearby. Zilla may eat these fish, but the smell should really put it off attacking your city. After all, wouldn't you be put off attacking a city that stank of dead fish? And just remember, thats a lot of fish.
- Make it follow you onto a bridge. It's too stupid to fight it's way out of a suspension bridge, despite levelling half of New York.
- Mock his dick size. This will make him fall in to a depression which will cause him to killl himself.
- Failing all of the above, just bring along a BFG-9000; they can kill nasty demons in Doom, what's to say they won't destroy a hulking great lizard?
- Bring along a Cloverfield Monster and a deck chair. The two monsters should have a pretty awesome fight, and probably kill each other. (Two birds with one stone!)
- Or if all else fails, get Zilla's natural enemy, lawsuits.
And now you're all set. Using the advice above to the best of your ability, you will single-handedly save your city from massive, oversized lizards that would normally kick your ass.