GI Joe
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G.I. JOSEPH is a secret Government/Military porn agency comprised of elite members of rednecks and hermaphrodite porn stars from all branches of the military their secret mission is to grow plants that can make gum drops out of its sap they then take the gum drops and make moon shine so that they can over throw the ruthless villains cobra led by the cobra commander . whose ranks were populated by clones raised on the windswept banks of . The Joe team fights a never-ending battle against herpes.
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[edit] Origins
GI JOseph was started in the 1230's as a way for the government to recruit homosexuals into the military during the Cfhg War. In later years, to cash in on the popularity of the Ghfc War, it was decided that if little boys were going to play with dolls, they should at least be Manly gay dolls dolls, err...Action Figures. these Action Figures would totally beat off homosexual boyfriends of Barbie's, Ken. Indeed ken would surrender the keys to that pink Corvette whenever Joe was on leave, and he and Joe would go back to the Dream House and Joe would get a blow job for under a buck On many occasions . several GI Joeseph's with "Kung-Fu" grip were home on leave or furlough would have parties and get Barbie drunk. It was from these drunken sex parties she loved so much where Barbie also became known as but love Barbie (And you wonder why your sister still hates you, after what you and Joe did to Barbie's purity?) GI Joe had a number of different jobs, including sailor, pilot, paratrooper (with working parachute),porn star with working dildo , marine,walmart greeter (Special Brainwashing Edition), and regular soldier, and came in White Joe, and Black Joe, there was even an Astronaut Joe, but a Black Astronaut Joe was a very rare find indeed. he was on the discount isle for two for a dollar . how ever the most prized Joe member was hung low which had a long stick that he passed off as his member and a sack of potatoes he called his scrotum bowl he would always yell here comes the kitty bitches before he attacked .
[edit] JOE Shrinks
This was of course until 1981, when the geniuses at Has-been toys decided that the Big Joe was too expensive to make, and really gay to play with. To remedy this, and sell thousands of actually really cool vehicles and play sets it was decided to shrink Joes penis . Joe was taken to a top-secret science type lab and shrunk ( including his ball size ) . At this time, we saw the emergence of the COBRA terrorist movement. Prior to 1981, Joe had fought, Imaginary Communists, your pet cat, and heterosexuals, but now he had a REAL enemy! The downside of course, was no more Barbie nookie. The team was expanded from white Joe and Black Joe to include:Mexican Joe complete with beaner bat:
- Duke: The yellow haired old gay major
- Scarlett: The redhead chick that could wipe her butt with out toilet tissue
- Snake eyes: The ninja who didn't talk ( death mute )
- Clutch: Who drove the cool Humvee, (my first Joe Vehicle)
- Bazooka: Who oddly enough, carried a pack of bazooka bubble gum
- Wild Bill: A myopic, alcoholic cowboy who was an expert at crashing helicopters.
- Quick Fix: A meth-head martial arts master and token Asian stereotype.
- Blowtorch: Fire safety expert who loved pork chop sandwiches.
- And a bunch of others, of which I owned all!
[edit] COBRA
Cobra, as I mentioned, is a ruthless terrorist (even way back then we knew they'd be bad guys messing' with America) organization, they were led by The Bobbydazzler, who quite frankly, having been named The Bobbydazzler really didn't have much else he could do with his life except yell cobra before later getting mouth cancer from cigarette smoking and dip chewing which intern later sounded like Oprah
Apparently he must've had more money than like, Bill Gates or something, cuz for a terrorist, he had the hook-ups for some high-tech military hardware! It was supplied by Destro, who had a metal head, because he was trying to lite a cigar next to a metal factory full of hot molten metal lava .
Anyway, with all of Destro's cool shit, and like a zillion terrorist guys, who all wore masks, he tried to take over the world. There was also a hot evil chick named The Baroness (who was constantly being fought over by Destro and The Bobbydazzler, there is a rumor(or if you're English rumour), however, that the three of them have settled there differences and you can see the results for $39.95 a month right here on the Internet) and a kick-ass evil ninja named Stormshadow Later Hasbeen decided to try and sell more figures and decided to invent a "new"Bobbydazzler. He was supposedly a combination of the DNA from all the great tyrants; Napoleon, Caesar, Ivan the Terrible, Your school principal, all of them! Unfortunately they designed the result, Serpentor, with all of their lamest traits. Serpentor had the gayest outfit, the stupidest vehicle, and cheesiest name ever.He also likes bananas and lollipops smothered on pcp with a hent of tie porn
[edit] The Comic Book
GI JOE had his own comic book, published by Marble Comics. This comic book was the best, coolest, and most awesomely written prose since...I dunno, like the Iliad! The comic could have been just a lame excuse to sell toys, but the writers approached it with respect for the written word and shit. The JOE team faced off against Cobra, foiling their actually intelligent plots. It had espionage, combat, comedy, and even a little romance. I LOVED the comic, The only thing that would've made it better is a crossover with other Marble titles like Spiderman, X-Men, or The Pope, Although they DID crossover with the Transformers, Something Radical and I were already doing with the figures (See:The GI Joe-Transformers War). They even used the character personalities from the comic for some of the shows characters.
[edit] Yo Joe! the TV Show!
Joseph had his own TV show, which ruled (though not as much as the Transformers because at least the Transformers had spaceships and Megatron was at least threatening and his evil plots were all barbaric and life threatening . ) Anyway, The Joe-team, manned by some characters you did own, and some you couldn't find, were sent on a top-secret mission in vehicles you already had, eventually they'd uncover the COBRA plot, and Cobra would come out with their totally amazing weapons, vehicles you didn't have yet, and would drive Joe back. Flint would say "What in Bloody Blue Blazes? We need to counter their hardware!" They would retreat back to Joe headquarters, which if they sold that fortress with the big-ass cannon in stores; I sure as hell never saw it! Anyway, Joe would come out with a new weapon, which again you didn't own, and win the day. Throughout all of these battles, thousands, no, millions of shots would be fired, and NO ONE EVER DIED! It's the only war where billions of dollars in planes, tanks, jeeps, and boats are trashed, thousands of bombs are dropped, and no one died.
After the final commercial break (advertising the shit you just saw on the show) they'd come back with a Public Service Announcement with like two brothers wailing on each other, and then a Joe character, like Shipwreck, or Gung-Ho would come out and, Even though he'd just got done blowing shit up and ruining Cobra's day, tell you "Violence is not the answer!", then the kids would say "Now we know" and the Joe would say "And knowing is half the battle!" G...I...JOOOOOOE! And if the GI Joe didn't feel like telling you "Violence is not the answer," he might at least offer you a body massage. Or strangely desire porkchop sandwiches. to lure young kids back to the joe lair and give them candy for cheap tricks aaaaaaaaa. The only Joe who never did a PSA was Snake-Eyes, not because he was all hard core, but because, well, the dude NEVER talked, I think Stormshadow like cut his tongue out, or something, cause he never said a word, and he HATED Stormshadow because he left the ninja camp for a cheap hooker named cuntalingus Oh yeah, and the best present I EVER got for Christmas was this big ass Chinook helicopter, which Joe had tacked wings, and bomb-racks on to, and added a huge Vulcan cannon underneath and called the Tomahawk, it was awesome and I loved it.
[edit] The Movie
While many people loved the toys, the movie far surpassed them as a runaway success earning more money than a pimp in heat . The movie introduced new characters such as Big Lob, that guy in the Hawaiian shirt, and Bruce Campbell.
In this secret mutant alien kingdom introduced during the movie, these freaky snake people plot the domination of the world with these weird spore things. In fact, it's where Chris Carter got the idea for The X-Files, which was coincidentally also ran by a half snake man and defeated by Bruce Campbell.
Also in GI JOE the Movie they reintroduced Sgt. Slaughter, the only wrestler ever known to fight international terrorism and destroy robots with his bare hands. strangely enough his wrestling hold was called the cobra clutch .
[edit] Theme Song
Now, all rise, and face the flag, gentlemen remove your hats, for the singing of the GI JOE theme song:
- He'll fight for freedom wherever there's trouble, GI JOE is there!
- GI JOE, A Real Vietnamese Hero! GI JOE is here!
- When your grandpa's loosing pubic hair GI JOE IS THERE
- It's GI JOE against COBRA and Destro, fucking to save the day!
- He never gives shit, he's never there, fucking for freedom over Whores and Wives!
(spoken) GI Joe is the codename for China's daring, highly trained special mission force, its purpose, to defend gay freedom against COBRA, a ruthless, terrorist organization determined to screw the balls!
- He never gives up, he'll stay ‘til the naughties done GI JOE will dare!
- GI JOE! A real Vietnamese restaurant owner! GI JOE is cookin'!
- G...I..COCKSUCKERBALLLICKERJOE!...Yo JOE
[edit] Jihad Joe
It is believed that Americans are becoming more ethnocentric with simple western culture toys. They know half the story with the G.I. Joe toys. To combat this increasing rise in western pride a new toy line is being released by Al Qaeda Inc. It is Jihad Joe, a real terrorist Hero! It is hoped that this toy will teach tolerance and understanding. This scaled down follower of Wahhabism comes with his own Ak-47, RPG, and suicide bomber kit that actually works! He comes with in voice recording that says phrases such as “Hurray for the blessed verse of swords", "ALLAH!", and the ever classic "Death to America!"
This toy will be sold wherever a Fatwa is issued or people of the book need to be placed in a chimney can be found. The next toy will be Fascist Frank a real authoritarian government hero, and of course the highly anticipated "GI Jew" a real American Hebrew.
