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For those without comedic tastes, the self-proclaimed experts at Wikipedia have an article very remotely related to GMan.

“Does he have a g-spot?

~ Tamia

“Yeah, right where his wallet is”

The G-Man[edit]



The G-Man is the main character in the Half-Life series of porn movies. His whole objective is a crazy stalker who interrupts you constantly while having sex with your hoes. He is well known for his ability to masturbate without moving his hands. The way he does this is unknown. He will commonly be seen stalking you from places that you can't cap him in the ass and when he is in a place you can cap him in the ass you left your biretta at home. He seems to have some mental retardation or something because he can't talk right. He often tries to have sex with some other characters, including the headcrabs but fails because he's retarded and nobody likes him.

What He Does[edit]

The G-Man works for the FBI as a professional harasser. He is well known for not caring the person's gender, this is because he himself has none. He is often used as a human shield because he is invincible and is second in power only to Chuck Norris. There was once a priest who thought G-Man was a zombie and shot him only to have G-Man give holy water to the real zombies so that they could use it on the ass-raping priest with a shotgun (because everyone knows ass-raping priests are deathly allergic to holy water). The resulting battle involved a lot of headcrabs and zombies getting pwned but eventually one got the priest to chug the holy water by telling him it was ejaculate. This battle was called the Battle of Rapenholm, named after the place it happened.

His Mannerisms[edit]

The G-Man is an asshole and will try to rape you at any chance he gets. He can't speak right and this disturbs most people, to which he takes much pleasure. He tends to think that it's funny to stalk people and piss them off by staring at them for hours, just out of reach. He often thinks of himself as smart and witty but then again, don't most retards?

What He's Known For[edit]

His most famous speech ever and the one that made him famous, which can be heard at the end of the Half-Life 2 porn movie is as follows; "Blah blah blah, Mr. Freeman!" Powerful words for a person with no gender (although we still refer to IT as HE, it really has no gender). He is also known for being invincible and pissing you off by not letting you kill him once he steals you favourite hoe. He does make it up to you though; When you get into a gang fight with the combinez, your rival gang (who destroyed you former place of work, Black Mesa due to lack of protection payments), and you blow the hell out of their ammo dump and are about to die G-Man comes and stops time with his god-like powers (that make him invincible<insert Chuck Norris joke here>) and saves you (and gives you an "I'm sorry" cake, but that's not important).

If You Spot Him[edit]

Well, then it's too late. You may as well just put your hands on you ass and try to keep him from reaching it for as long as possible (the record is 12 seconds). Once he's finished, or if you spot him raping someone else call the authorities. He is wanted by several government agencies, including, but not limited to: The FBI (Yes, even his employers hate him), The CIA, MI5/MI6 (seriously, what's the f-ing difference?), KGB, CSIS, Interpol, MSI, 3DG, BT, Y2K, ASS, and STFU. Only the STFU has ever been able to capture him just before he raped Gordon Frohman in the beginning of Half-Life 2, Episode 1. They only managed to do this with the help of some aliens they stole from Area 51. He managed to escape though but just the fact that someone managed to detain him for more than 5 seconds is amasing.<insert bad joke here>

Briefcase Contents[edit]

Not much is known about this, but there was once someone who got a photo of his briefcase open and this is where we have gotten this information. From what we could tell from the photo (it is currently a classified photo, therefore it can not be posted) his briefcase contains a ziploc bag full of weed, an MP40 German Machine gun (from WWII), A hydrogen bomb, furry porn, A MACbook Air (yet another reason to kill him), all of the Rammstein albums, Half of Spongebob Squarepants, 14 fake passports, 1 real passport, and 6 quintillion yen. It is unknown if the contents have changed since the photo was taken (the photo was taken on February 29th, 2008).

“So that's where the rest of me went, dahaihaihaihai”

~ Spongebob Squarepants on GMan's Briefcase