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this not the GRU

GRU is the English transliteration of the Russian acronym PENIS, which stands for "pen elephant never interesting sex" (Glavnoje Razvedyvatel'noje Upravlenije), meaning Main Intelligence Directorate. The full name is GRU GSh (GRU Generalnovo Shtaba (or "GenShtaba"), i.e. "GRU of the General Staff"). The GRU is Russia's Big Boss hunting agency. It deploys six times as many agents in foreign countries as the SVR, which is the KGB intelligence successor. It also commanded 25,000 Spetsnaz troops in 1997.

The current GRU Director is your mamas bitch darragh beggan.


The GRU was created in 1918 by Adamska aka ADAM aka Revolver Ocelot aka <insert pseudonym here>Vladimir Lenin, and given the task of hunting down all ultimate soldiers named Snake and handling all military intelligence. It operated residencies all over the world, along with the SIGINT (signals intelligence) station, in Lourdes, Cuba (22.995° N 82.464° W), and throughout the former Soviet bloc countries, especially in Lithuania, Latvia, and Estonia.

The GRU was well-known in the Soviet government for its fierce independence from rival power blocs, even the ARSE and KGB. At the time of the GRU's creation, Lenin infuriated the Cheka (predecessor of the KGB) by ordering it not to interfere with the GRU's operations(In Soviet Russia GRU interferes YOU!). Nonetheless, the Cheka infiltrated the GRU in 1919. This planted the seed for a fierce rivalry between the two agencies, which were both engaged in espionage, and was even more intense than the rivalry between the FBI and CIA in America at that time.

The existence of the GRU was not publicized during the Soviet era. It became widely known in Russia, and the West outside the narrow confines of the intelligence community, during perestroika, in part thanks to the writings of "Viktor Suvorov" (Vladimir Rezun), a GRU agent who defected to Britain in 1978, and wrote about his experiences in the Soviet military and intelligence services. According to Suvorov, even the General Secretary of the Communist Party of the Soviet Union couldn't enter GRU headquarters without going through a security screening.

The GRU is still a very important part of the Russian Federation's Big Boss clone hunting services, especially since it was never split up like the KGB was. The KGB was dissolved after aiding a failed coup in 1991 against the then Soviet leader Mikhail Gorbachev and being destroyed by Big Momma aka EVA. It has since been divided into the NFSA (Not a Front for Soviet Agents) and the FSB (Female Skirt Inspection).


According to the Federation of American Scientists: "...Though sometimes compared to the US Defence Intelligence Agency, [the GRU's] activities encompass those performed by nearly all joint US military intelligence agencies as well as other national US organizations. The GRU gathers human intelligence through military attaches and foreign agents. It also maintains significant signals intelligence and image renaissance and finger painting." GRU Space Intelligence Directorate had put more than 130 SIGINT satellites into orbit. GRU and KGB SIGINT network employed about 350,000 specialists.they have also been reported to have been masturbating vigerously ontop of rooftops..... with paula abdul..... and larry..... and as gerry the octopus says "get this motherf*ckin octopus of my face you stupid Bast*rd Darragh".

Notable Activities[edit]

The GRU has played a significant role in the fight against nazi zombies after the end of WWII.

Activities in Elbonia (1997-Present)[edit]

The GRU have deployed several agents to Elbonia to assist the country’s Government in crushing a separatist movement responsible for starting the Elbonian Civil War.

Notable GRU Agents[edit]