GTA: Vatican City Stories

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The Pope character in his weapon-outfitted Popemobile

Would-be criminals without the drive to steal anything other than music from the Internet return to Vatican City in this portable sequel. Before Elder Josea Canto Marluxia framed Caseareo Giovanni Luigi Valentino Elvinino in the original Grand Theft Auto: Vatican City, he had to prove his worth to the McDonalds Monopoly contest winner who purchased the church. As Josea, hop into one of the 3 new and classic (as well as 10 new and 10 classic) vehicles and protect your church from the Protestant reform while carrying out a hit on the church owner's former asshole boss.

This time, Vatican City is smaller, less detailed, and more confusing than ever before! Visit familiar locales from GTA: Vatican City but with terrible graphics and missing interiors, and meet with familiar characters who you'll never remember because the first game came out five years ago. To fit the PSP system, each of Vatican City's three sections is now just 10 times the size of Josea's church, making navigation a breeze.

Gameplay[edit]

One of the Jesii characters in the game

The altar boy system has been completely revamped—now your victims are smaller, younger, and easier to molest intimidate! Get them into your car faster than ever before, because there's not much else to do in Vatican City. When you get tired of the altar boys, lock them in your closet for easy access.

Thanks to the PSP's widescreen format, the Mass sequences are now fully interactive. Turn the pages of the Bible with the L and R buttons, and press X for a random disruptive sound. The entire church can be seen onscreen at any time, with the text overlayed. Best of all, these sequences exist as a minigame to help ADD-riddled gamers through real Mass. Just start up the game and follow along with the Bible the same way you always do—but in a video game!

Finally, Vatican City Stories allows your character to swim for the very first time! This new feature is put to great use during the Bad Baptism mission, where if you don't maneuver your crane-enhanced Popemobile just right, enemies will grab you and throw you into a pool of holy water. Swimming isn't the only new feature here—depending on the nature of your actions, the holy water will either restore your character to full health or force you to watch his skin burning off until you turn off the PSP system.

Soundtrack[edit]

The game's developers did not include a soundtrack for the game, preferring instead to let players focus on importing their own music. However, in the rare chance that a player has trouble (a one in 600 possibility), the company's website offers a soundtrack as a free download. This includes hits by Panic! at the Disco, Gorillaz, Men Without Hats, Van Halen, Men Without Pants, Fall Out Boy, Crazy Frog, Pink Floyd, Madonna, Jay-Z, Eff-U, Coolio, The Copenhagen Harmonica Club, Rihanna, A-ha, the Bee Gees, and Soft Cell. The trailer for the game includes Linkin Park's smash hit, "What the Hell Am I Doing Here?" Players should try to upgrade to the holy rocket launcher which fire rockets that explode with the very fires of hell itself. The boss for each level is a pope armed with a crusifix.

Critical Reviews[edit]

This game has won a Jesus Award

“It's Grand Theft Auto! GRAAAAAND THEEEEFT AUUTTTOOOOO!”

“Not even I can forgive you if you don't buy this game right now, loser.”

“About as uninspired as your face!”

~ Special Ed kid

“They wouldn't listen to my Thesis'. Now I can kill those Catholic Bastards, in my pocket.”

“HAx0rz!!!! the cheterzzzz!!”

~ some n00b who doesn't realize that it's not a multiplayer game

“Whoa...it's Grand Theft Auto...in my pocket...”

~ Neo

“So they call it "Vatican City Stories," but isn't there only one? Why don't they just call it "Vatican City Story?" They'd save letters that way.”

“In Soviet Russia, Car steal YOU!!!”

“OMGZ!!!!111 ITZZZ GTAZZZ!!!!!9”

~ Stupid 11 Year Old Nerd on GTA

“This game made me realise jesus with a machine gun totally rocks!”

~ Helen Keller on GTA

“This game makes me remember my youth as a Postal 2 extra.....the good old days....”

~ Colin H.

Vehicles[edit]

Old and new, there are plenty of vehicles to get in this game:

  • The Popemobile
  • The Special "Pimp My Wife Ride" Edition Popemobile
  • Hummer Hπ
  • Fire Truck
  • The Misery Machine
  • The Special Pikachu VW Beetle
  • The Blue Falcon
  • Steyr Pinzgauer
  • Lexus LCPXQGM
  • Ford Spelunker
  • Your Mom
  • The Pickle. You know, "ride the pickle"?
  • A cow...just ride a cow
  • Lamborghini Diablo
  • The Hasselhoff
  • Jesus' Pimp Mobile

Weapons[edit]

Josea always follows the gospel of, "Let he who is without sin burn the first hooker." With that in mind, he can take on all these weapons:

  • Automatic Clock
  • Glockenspiel
  • Holy Hand Grenade
  • Taurus Raging Bull
  • Wolfarm Pee99
  • Flamethrower (Hose and "Great Balls of Fire" styles)
  • Bullwhip
  • Tommy Gun
  • Sledgehammer
  • Very Pointy Bishops Crosier
  • Uzi
  • "Little Boy 2" Atomic Bomb
  • M-16
  • Shrapnel Cannon
  • Antipope Bomb
  • Jesus Dioxide poison
  • Molotov Holy Water
  • Jesus' AK-47: Regular Russian AK-47 that Jesus Christ modified replacing the ammo magizine with a highly flammable flamethrower and adding on a grenade launcher.
  • pimping poping stick

See also[edit]

Grand Theft Auto
Games
The Lost Games Lego Island | Cosmo | Poop City | Tatooine | Television City | Television City 2 | Television City 3 - The Wrath Of Dob
Grand Theft Auto III era III | San Andreas | San Andreas Stories
Grand Theft Auto: We're Running Out of Ideas era Hill Valley | Theft Under A Thousand | Beirut | New Orleans | Vatican City | Vatican City Stories | Antarctica | Somalia
Currently in Production Jerusalem | Norway | Philippines | Santiago
Non-canonical Grand Theft Audio | Grand Theft Election: Bush v. Gore