Gackt

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia.
Jump to: navigation, search
“boku wa...kimi no...Vanilla!! (I'm your Vanilla)”
~ Oscar Wilde on Gackt
“I'd tap that. ”
~ Hyde on Gackt
“Who wouldn't? ”
~ Gackt on Hyde
“Honey, I think you're out of GacktJuice!! ”
~ PYDE Y. IKI on Gackt
“Aishite mo ii kai!!!! ”
~ Filipino J-rocker on Gackt
“Ang arte mo kikay!!! ”
~ Another Filipino Jrock - er on Gackt
“That's me in...20...10...how old am I?”
~ Gackt on Looking like Daivd Bowie in however many years but he doesn't know because he won't release his age.
“Came on! ”
~ Gackt on Gackt
“Is THAT really a woman? ?? looks more like a men to me....well he must be cool then!”
~ missy maloboho on Gackt
“That's a sexy chick! ”
~ Brad Pitt on Gackt
“I'd hit that! (...) HE'S A MAN?? ”
~ Madonna on Gackt
“You bet he is - but don't ask me how I know, I've already got my fair share of scandals! ”
~ Ai Kago on Madonna's comment about Gackt
“Have I ever told you how vanilla is my favourite flavour EVER? ”
~ Leah Dizon on Gackt
I'll stab you with my mighty Mercury Marcury!! Ahahahahaa!!!

Gackt M.S. Camui is a Japanese pop musician who thinks he is a vampire, and chicken widely popular in both America and Japan. His name is usually written in English, despite being Japanese, and is pronounced similar to the sound made by an idiot while choking on a pretzel. He is the president of the Ambiguously Gendered Males Society, and has been for several years. There is, however, speculation as to whether he will be able to remain if Die and Shinya of Dir en grey do, in fact, decide to run. He is a song-writer, and plays multiple instruments, although none so well as the piano, which he spent most of his youth learning, much to his dismay, as you shall read later. Gackt speaks more languages than technically exist, and will prove it when pressed. Though he does claim to be able to speak fluent English, his songs 'Vanilla Icecream' and 'Redemption' say different. Gackt is also the resident Japanese god of vampires, black, blood, and psychotic penguins. There are rumors that he is the Lord of the Nazgul in his spare time. And don't matter if your male or female or straight or gay, you'll anyway feel atractted by him.

Contents

[edit] Early Childhood

Gackt was born in Gods Womb on July 4, 1540. His real name, believe it or not, is not Gackt M.S. Camui, but something else entirely. Some person who saw somethin' or another says that Gackt's real name is Satoru Okabe. He was raised in an absurdly strict household, much more so than any other child in his particular intellectual range. Gackt did NOT have the option to not eat his calamari, which caused him to leap overboard during one oceanic cruise where peas were on the dinner's menu. At this time, he was only 7 years old. After he was rescued, he claimed to have attained psychic powers, although most historians feel it was likely the year-old Christmas enchanted rum he had consumed the day before. The year was 1547, by which point oceanic cruises did not yet exist. Historians also blame the rum for this discrepancy.

Man or woman? Straight or gay? You decide.

Reliable sources describe Gackt as being an ambitious individual, always wanting to be better than anyone else. Including Jesus.

His interest in music was non-existent. He did not want to play any instruments. Rather, he wanted to be Chief Justice of the Surpreme Court.

However, his parents both being musicians, Gackt was forced to play piano when he was 3 and too small to actually play. More or less, he was forced to sit on a chair against his will while listening to an old lady with bad breath and spinach between her teeth. Gackt wasn't particularly interested in playing until he saw a friend of his play the piano, at which point he felt compelled to show him up. This logic also caused Gackt to learn the trumpet when he saw his father play, the flute when he saw his mother play, and to sleep in the garden every night when he saw his dog sleep there.

Eventually, he was forced to stop playing the instruments everyone else played, because they got sick of him mimicking them, and the dog needed a place to sleep. So, Gackt took to conducting music, which was the second shortest stint of his life.

His tastes turned to rock music when he was 17, on August 25, 1557.

Gackt is a Vampire, but unfortunatly, now that it is public knowledge, the rest of his clan is constantly trying to kill him. Gackt is known as a 'day walker' variation of the Vampire race, so he finds safety in the light of day. His home is basically a giant tanning salon, which attracts many ganguro, whom of which he feeds upon in mass quantities. Despite the amount of UV rays that he's constantly exposed to, Gackt remains paler than anthrax. The tanning beds, along with the ganguro, tend to keep the members of his Malkavian clan and Chuck Norris at bay.

On Feb 29, 1997, Gackt was bitten by a rabid space monkey and became a super-saiyajin. Since then, he has had blonde hair. Do not attempt to fight Gackt.

[edit] A Rising Star

Gackt started his career as a brilliant pop musician as drummer for the band Apathy, named for none of the member's ability to decide on, or care about, the name. Critics and historians agree that Apathy's music was terrible, although one critic, Michael Jackson, felt Apathy's songs had a rather moving message. Critics and historians agree this also is probably because of the Gackt Juice and Rum soaked cake.

After the band fell through, Gackt got a job at McDonald's, where he worked his way up the ranks over the course of 2 years, until he finally reached his dream job of McDonald's manager. Some sources say that he enjoyed spiking the McFlurries with Gackt Juice- as a result, McDonalds sales were boosted by 18% in the two years he was employed.

But before he could manage running a McDonald's entirely, his parents wanted to send him on a journey to "find himself", so they sent him to San Berdino. There, Gackt became an expert in gay jello wrestling and became a world famous tribe leader. His tribe was well known for writing and choreographing the "Cha Cha Slide" and the "Thriller" music video (due to his previous connections, and he starred in the video for "Come on Eileen". After that he was cast in the first Horn Dog 3 movie, but didn't make the cut because he couldn't get along with the cast.

He was taken back onto the music track when Ren (pronounced "reh en") and You (pronounced "yo ooh") walked into his store. He overheard them mentioning starting a band, but looking for a vocalist, and upon hearing Gackt's voice decided they simply must have him. This is the third time in history the phrase "Would you like fries with that" has caused a life-altering event for an individual.

Thus, with Ren and You, Gackt joined the band which became known as Cains:Feel. The members don't know why it came to be known as this, considering the band's name was Genesis of Jealousy, but they went with the flow, and on June 12, 1564, the band officially became named Cains:Feel, at which point the entire fanbase was lost, and the band broke up a month later.

Gackt went back to McDonald's in an effort to reattain his former position, only to discover it had been taken by another musician, Mana, who was also the current president of the Ambiguously Gendered Males Society. Gackt talked with Mana for a period, and Mana mentioned he desired to start up a band, which Gackt mentioned he would like to join. Gackt never realised that Mana's true intention was to brainwash him into molesting Mana every instance they were on stage. This is rumored to be the psychological starting point for Gackt's "I'm Seme, thw rodl is Uke" mindset. While the band already had a drummer, Gackt decided to try his hand at singing, and turned out to be quite lovely at it.

With Gackt as the singer, Mana's band Malice Mizer became more popular then it ever had before. Gackt's luscious singing voice brought a soft, romantic, and even lustful touch to the band's music, and Malice Mizer was banned from three countries. Eventually, fed up by the popularity and bannings, Mana asked Gackt to leave the band. This was in 1998. Historians believe Gackt had unconciously stumbled through one of the many time rifts scattered throughout the world, and never noticed it, proof that Gackt does NOT read the newspaper, settling the long-standing dispute.

Although, there is one belief started by a LiveJournal user called IllBL0\/\/Gakuto, that says that Gackt is *not* lying. She/He states that Gackt fell over the boat when he appeared seven years old. Or, perhaps, he was 7 'vampire' years old, so he appeared young. Supposedly, by the time he joined bands, it was later in the 1990's, when he appeared to be in his 20's, but was really older.

But then again, maybe not.



[edit] Gackt's favorite song

It's a Dutch... errrr... I mean Japanese song

Hemel in vuur en vlam in onze ogen We staan stil in de tijd Het bloed op mijn handen Is de wijn Die we bieden als een offer


Kom om en laat hen Je liefde zien Scheur de vleugels van een vlinder af Voor jou ziel mijn liefste Scheur de vleugels van een vlinder af Voor jou ziel


Deze eindeloze genade mijl We kruipen aan elkanders zij Met de hel die bevriest in onze ogen God knielt voor onze misdaad


Kom om en laat hen Je liefde zien Scheur de vleugels van een vlinder af Voor jou ziel mijn liefste Scheur de vleugels van een vlinder af Voor jou ziel (Scheur de vleugels van een vlinder af) Laat niet los Voor jou ziel (Scheur de vleugels van een vlinder af) JA GACKT!

[edit] Gackt Juice

Gackt Juice, full of protien, his penis cures all illnesses.

Hyde- "Gackt...I don't feel so good. I need some 'Gackt Juice' "

Gackt- "Alright! Drop your pants and bend over- you know the drill." : D

According to a well known source Gackt and Hyde are apparently VERY close. Hyde tends to request a GacktJob. (not just the name of a band) But not only does Hyde frequently request these "jobs", Yosh [aka PYDE Y. IKI (Hyde's sexy female counterpart)] from the band Masochistic Moan has the official licence and is in position of being Gackt's whore. Hyde has yet to discover that Pyde is stealing his Gackt Juice when he is making out with his band member from L'Arc~en~Ciel, Tetsu.

[edit] Gackt Goes Solo

After leaving Malice Mizer, Gackt decided it was high time he stop going to other people's bands, and form one of his own. Thus, he formed his own band, which he never actually named, and everyone simply refers to as Gackt. The members consist of Gackt on vocals, his old friends You and Ren on violin and bass, respectively, Yukihiro "The Man" Fujimura on lead guitar, Masa the Boar on rhythm guitar, and Toshi and Yosh, who would later have a child together they would name Yoshi. There was one more member of their band, Igao, who left fairly quickly and went on to star in Disney's Aladdin. In 2002 a new member, Ryuichi Nishida, joined the band on the sole basis of providing the other members with Indian curry before, during or after live concerts. He is rumoured to have left again in 2006 though, probably cause he kept serving Gackt's curry with rice. Another member, Ju-ken, joined in 2004 on the electric blowdryer.

Gackt's fanbase (Which he calls his Bambis) consists almost entirely of rabid-transvestite-lovin'-women (who may or may not understand a word of Japanese), because during his concerts he tends to display an incredible amount of honest male-lovin'. The males that do go to his concerts are required by law to wear t-shirts displaying this fact to other men.

Gackt's incredible success in his solo career caused his ego to inflate to the size of the Nagoya district of Japan. He would proceed to play himself in several TV dramas, write an autobiography, screenplay, short stories, star in a video game, several commercials, including what is widely regarded to be the greatest dog food commercial in acting history.

Gackt both authored and starred in a lovely flick called Moonchild. Though technically one would say it as 'MEWN CHIRRDOH'. When you think of it, that rather sounds French. Gackt with a French accent would be sexy. Anyways, Hyde also starred in this film with him. During the filming, Gackt was tempted to kiss Hyde. Gackt claims that Hyde is a beautiful ass person but, Hyde, contrary to popular belief, is married to a lass and has produced a spawn. (Doesn't mean that him and Gackt dont get it on though). MoonChild takes place in a futuristic environment, but how about you just rent the damn thing in your local movie rental store. There HAS to be a section for Asian flicks. If there aint, that is pretty lame. Gackt has also starred in a TV show where he played a samurai and wielded a mean sword.

It's been recently discovered that Gackt is in fact the brother of Sephiroth and the two will soon go on a new tour together in Sephiroth's band, SOLDIER.

[edit] Discografia

Gackt has written and performed more songs than can be displayed in a reasonable amount of time to users on dial-up, so they shall not be listed here.

But here is a sample of some of his songs:

  • Vanilla Icecream ~Vanilla Juice~ [[[A tribute to my Whore and Man-Lover]]]
  • White Stoner
  • Black Eyes
  • Im so super Secksi to everyone.
  • Birdprision
  • Papa flapped on my lap top
  • Lust For Hyde
  • O shit no Sooner
  • taiyou no uta
  • Orange no tsuki
  • Spicy Marmalade
  • Past
  • Last Song ~It really is~ Remix
  • Redemption- Read hemp show (listen real carfully)
  • No no suck Hannah no you NIH!!!
  • Hate Letter
  • Mega-morph-ooze
  • Dybbukkake
  • Pantsless Dancer
  • Memory More Certain then I would like it to be
  • Ass-run Dream
  • Feer DA FIYAAAH (a special lil tune in "Gacktese")
  • (je suis) Mizerable ~but my French isn't~
  • I'm 2 SEXY for food ('n' 'u should be 2)
  • I live with You
  • I love my DEARS
  • Tight pants for my tight GA*KU*TO
  • Breaking women's necks
  • (you can have your) Pee Cup
  • (Kiss my) Ares
  • Peace of Pie
Personal tools
View and edit namespaces data

Variants
Actions
Navigation
on Uncyclopedia
Community
participate
Toolbox
In other languages