Gambling

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“Ever bet on a one-legged wheelchair race?”

~ Oscar Wilde on his gambling problem

“God does not play dice!! He plays Texas Hold Em”

~ Albert Einstein.

“Horse race is more better than dog fighting... wanna bet?”

~ Joseph Stalin on gambling and betting...

“Sometime the great black ace comes up, sometime it doesn't come up ... I'm gonna need a bigger bank account.”

~ The old dude from Jaws that's hired to kill it but ends up getting eaten

“Gambling is fun. Just as long as the people at the Baseball Hall of Fame still think you belong there. For God's sake, you might let Roger Clemens in, and he was on steroids for half his career! I have more hits than any other player, for Christ's sake!”

~ Pete Rose on rambling on about nothing, just like Mariah Carey does sometimes

“Gamblind is bologna!”

~ Oscar Mayer on gambling.

Gambling is a method of Getting lots and lots of money really really fast and all the lights go off and WOOO! Your down $50 because that ASSHOLE you call a friend said that you should put your money on the Bears. ASSFUCK. Y'know what you should do? Bring a Baseball bat to his House and beat him until the Brains come out the back of his head, and who gives a shit if his mom Calls the Cops? Dude the Casino is just down the street and you know the Bartender there from grade 7 and I bet he would let you hide in the back-room for $10 like the time when you killed all those cats.

Contents 1 Gambling Addiction 2 Who's going to the Super Bowl 3 Clint Eastwood Games 4 See also

[edit] Gambling Addiction

Like, Dude, It's a healthy amount. I only spend 2 hours a day at the slots! and 4 hours at the Blackjack table, and I cut my Roulette down to 12 hours after I got Married, and down to eleven when she had that kid. What's her name? I'm thinking Kathy... I Haven't been home in a while, I am prone to forget. I think my one kid is named Smirnoff, I remember because I had downed a whole bottle before I knocked the Bitch up.and She named the Other Albert, I remember that because he's the one who runs the Casino Crying every night asking me to come home. Hah. Cute kid.

BUT YEAH, I'm NOT ADDICTED!

[edit] Who's going to the Super Bowl

• $200 on the Eagles
• $300 on the Redskins
• The contents of your 401K (can't believe you still have one) on the Texans
• A Pontiac Aztek on the Cowboys
• 5 hampsters on the Falcons --Hessef
• 9 cameltoes on the Hornets
• Nothing on the Jets
• Chewed gum on the Phoenix Coyotes
• Less than nothing on the Chargers
• Your kid's college fund on the Patriots... too bad they lost to the Giants.
• An expired coupon good for a free appetizer at Applebee's on the Saints
• $1,737 and 27 cheeseburgers on the Los Angeles Detroit Western Mountain Lions
• 500 shares of General Motors on the Packers
• A shiny nickel on the Baltimore Ravens --kuribo
• An expired credit card on the Chicago Cubs

“Please, I'll put $2,000 on the Browns, bitch.”

~ Oscar Wilde on The Browns

“Yes, you heard it here. Oscar Wilde is taking the Browns to the Super Bowl.”

~ Jimbo Wales on going to the bathroom

[edit] Clint Eastwood Games

Many of the Lake Tahoe area games feature Clint Eastwood. It's good to note that these games are particularly threatening to the average player. Clint continuously taunts you to gamble more with such quips as:

• You call that gambling?
• Do you feel lucky? Then why are you only betting five credits?
• I didn't sell my name to this slot machine so you could play pansy with your penny anti bets. Be a man. For once in your life, be a man.
• Waitress, this man does not deserve a free drink.
• Scatter progressive enabled.
• You're the lousiest gambler I've ever met. And I've met them all. I guess you wouldn't want your friends to know that you just lost 987.85 on a nickel slot. I guess they'd make fun of you. Well, guess what I'm gonna do?
• Scatter progressive disabled.

[edit] See also

• Uncyclopedia Roulette!
• Can I borrow 5 bucks?