Games Workshop
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Games Workshop is a company that has cornered a niche market in tactical wargaming. The company owns 95% of the wargaming market, the remaining five percent being comprised by enterprising six year olds who pretend their airfix fighter planes fire real bullets. It is reputed that Warhammer is the favoured pastime of Pentagon tacticians, who often seek inspiration from sources other than Rome: Total War.
Many people sadly cannot perceive the attraction of wargaming, and they question the exorbitant prices of Games workshop products. What they fail to realise is that the concept was developed by people who think painting small lumps of plastic and rolling dice is entertainment.
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[edit] Employee and Customer policy
It is a company policy that all in-store employees must be overweight twenty-something year old university dropouts and have a body odour with equivalent lethality to Sarin nerve gas. Employees in the design concept studio must have an in-depth knowledge of Tolkien and established sci-fi authors, from which their ideas will be stolen from.
Customers either meet the above description of in-store employees, or be ten years old with rich parents. If they do not meet this criteria, they are most likely in the store to intimidate and physically abuse the employees and real customers on account of being nerds, and therefore shall be ignored or exposed to the in-store employee with the foulest body odour.
[edit] Products
Games Workshop builds many weapons and tanks not only for Warhammer 40k, but for the US military; see this list of Games Workshop products.
[edit] Warhammer
For a brief summary of Games Workshops' world of Warhammer Fantasy, take a trip to your local bookstore, purchase every major work of fantasy literature written in the past 30 years (this in itself will be cheaper than actually purchasing the game) and place them in an industrial -sized blender. Just add water, connect the blender to a mains outlet and press the on button. Voila! The mush you have produced is Warhammer.
[edit] Armies and Gameplay
The original game, currently in its 98th edition, the improvement from the 97th edition being a minor rules alteration on how you must use Games Workshop sanctioned dice or forfeight all your minatures to the nearest Games workshop employee. Warhammer is, believe it or not, a wargame inventively titled "Warhammer" after a device used to bludgeon people to death, a practice profusely used by the Games Workshop pricing team. The whole point is to collect small figures, pretend they're alive and battle each other.
Armies you MUST collect in order to ultimately win the game are:
- Humans: Come in two forms;
-Empire: Renaissance Germans...with Griffons, magic swords and magicians!
-Bretonians: Medieval French knights who worship some tart who lives in a lake. And magical swords and Hippogriffs!
- Tolkien-esque force #1: Orcs: Based on the "Chav"; a particularly aggressive and uneducated variant of Homo Sapiens found commonly in England and popular tourist destinations.
- Tolkien-esque force #2: High Elves: exactly the same as Tolkien High Elves. Really. Variants include:
- Wood Elves
- Sea Elves
- Sky Elves
- Rock Elves
- Demi-Elves
- Demi-demi Elves
- Orc Elves
- Bad Elves: Of particular note, these appeal to the "adult gamer" through inclusion on tiny breasts on the model range.
- Tolkien-esque force #3: Dwarves: Pretty much the same as Tolkien Dwarves, but with guns.
- Skaven: Speech-impaired machievellian Rat men, vaguely original.
- The Bad Guys, aka Chaos: The scary bad boys of the Warhammer world. Include Demons (spelt "Daemons" because thats how the cool kids spell it).
- Lizardmen: The highly original name gives it all away really.
[edit] Warhammer 40,000
Take a gothic-styled Imperial Roman Empire. Throw it 38,000 years into the future. Add enemies by taking every major sci-fi film nemesis and ripping them off, or by simply giving the Warhammer Fantasy races guns and floating tanks. Add half a cup of Dune backstory, and salt to taste. You now have Warhammer 40,000. Although the game is set 38,000 years into the future, the preferred way to defeat an enemy is to expend their ammunition with useless cannon fodder and eventually kill them by bashing them over the head with rifle butts. It is rumoured these tactics have been adopted by the U.S Westpoint Military Academy.
Armies:
Space Marines: Imagine a whole army of monastic Rambos, with rapid-firing rocket launchers and encased in space armour. With tanks. And some with jetpacks. The staple of Games Workshop, and thus have been made invincible through the "And they shall know no death" rule- this effectively means that should any player play against Space Marines with a non-Space Marine army, they automatically loose on the basis that no sentient lifeform would ever consider shooting at Humanities Finest. Understandably favoured by new comers to the game. It should be noted that a Space Marine Chapter, the Salamanders, are all black. Their successor chapters include Peckerwood Eliminator's and the Tokens.
Chaos Marines: See above. Includes Daemons.
Eldar: Space Elves. With guns. And floating tanks.
Chaos Eldar: See above, models are more pointy.
Tau: Space Commies. With bigger guns. And floating tanks.
Orks: Space Orcs. With backfiring guns. And power armoured Nobs and Big Choppers. No joke.
Imperial Guard: Standard humans with piss-poor armour and laser pens. There to make everyone else look good, unless you include tanks, in which case your men are replaced with between 5 and ten tanks which will proceed to kick everyone's ass which is why the Imperial Guard is the favourite army of Erwin Rommel.
Necrons: See original two Terminator films. The third was shite, apart from the bird with the nice rack.
Tyranids: Reference Starship Troopers and Alien.
Witch Hunters: More commonly referred to as Battle Bitches, Slapper of battle and The sister soritas.
[edit] Other Game Series
- Lord of the Rings: - Oh the irony. Games Waorkshop spends 25 years ripping off Tolkien, only to eventually produce a boardgame of his universe. Which, funnily enough, was shit.
- Battlefleet Gothic: Set in the Warhammer 40,000 universe. Has spaceships. Need I say more?
- Necromunda: Skirmish game set in Warhammer 40,000. Was canned after GW realised that people would spend more money on minatures if it didn't exist to distract players from the main two games.
- Mordenhiem: See above, but in the Warhammer Fantasy world.
- Inquisitor: Set in the 40K universe. Was the result of GW's miniature factory accidentally producing a larger scale set of models, which was then botched quickly into a new game so these models could be flogged off.
- Blood Bowl: Warhammer Fantasy world aproach to American Football, including a realistic attention to the unlimited addenda, rules changes and updates of the real world passtime leading to it being re-titled "Blood Boil"
