Ganondorf

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You dare bring light in my article? You MUST DIE!

Ganondorf was born into the Gerudo cult, a cult composed entirely of women Scientologists. Due to his unfortunate status of having a penis, he was universally shunned within the cult. His own mother hated her son just like the rest of them. One morning she secretly slapped a sign on his back that said "I pee standing up" when she hugged him before he went to school. His classmates ridiculed this by cruelly throwing shaving cream and Sports Illustrated magazines at him. This experience traumatized young Ganondorf and made him desire the one thing he could not have: a uterus.

He left home one night, stealing his mom's lipstick and tampons, promising to one day return a real woman. In these desperate times, he lived much as a hobo, stealing hubcaps and begging for vittles shamelessly. One day, he was approached by two senile old women who promised to raise him as their own and teach him dark powers, like abortion and plastic surgery.

Ganondorf begrudgingly accepted this cruel existence, sensing that true womanhood was within his grasp. After 10 years of laborious study, he gained power though not the sort that he was hoping for. All he learned was how to apply Preparation H and turn into a pig. In his spare time, he also studied how to shoot incredibly slow projectiles. Although he dabbled in tennis during this time, he lacked dedication and only truly learned how to serve. He was notorious for his inability to return anything that was hit to him.

For the religious among us who choose to believe lies, the self-proclaimed experts at Wikipedia have an article very remotely related to Ganondorf.

[edit] Ocarina of Time

Ganondorf's extremely useless pig transformation.

Ganondorf eventually grew sick of medicating the two old women so he decided to strike out for himself. He took up a job as a spittoon at the local Cluckin' Cuckoo family bar and grill where he heard tantalizing rumors about a legendary artifact of the Gods, the Triforce. It was drunkenly whispered that he who touched the artifact would be granted any wish he desired. Spitting out the evening's tobacco, Ganondorf set off for the distant kingdom of Hyrule in the hopes of pilfering the Triforce.

Unfortunately for him, sinister forces were gathering which sought to crush his dreams to pieces. In the distant Deku Forest the Legendary Deku Tree was plotting his demise, grooming a young conservative Republican named Link. Finding out about this treachery, Ganondorf found a really icky spider under a rock and paid it $5 to go crawl around and be a general nuisance to the Deku tree. Considering the situation solved, Ganondorf continued his quest.

Ganondorf slowly wormed his way into the King of Hyrule's confidence by providing him with constant supplies of dinner. This managed to earn him not only a place in the royal family but also information about the Triforce. He learned that it was tied to a mystical instrument, an ornate ocarina carved from the finest marble bathroom tile and infused with the power of free enterprise. The ocarina would only reveal the path to the Triforce if played really, really well.

Lacking any and all musical talent, Ganondorf decided to be a complete dick to the world until someone showed up who could play the instrument. He replaced all of the Gorons' rocks with man-eating dinosaurs which was really mean and he fed a broken beer bottle to a really big fish which made it really sick. As luck would have it, his plot to scare the manchild Link away with an icky spider failed miserably. This situation actually worked out well for Ganondorf though as Link proved himself an extremely able ocarina musician, unknowingly playing a magical song which tore open a portal in time that flung him into the future.

Seeing his chance, Ganondorf dove into the OTHER magical portal that appeared, knowing that the Triforce was close. He touched the holy object, wishing with all his heart to become the most beautiful woman the world had ever known. The spirit of the Triforce just laughed and said "My child, don't you know that beauty is within?" With this cryptic statement, it decided instead to give him real ultimate power and a really cool long haircut.

Ganondorf was disappointed with this answer, but he forced himself to smile and used his newfound power to bring about an age of terrible darkness. This age continued for 7 wonderful years in which he personally constructed much needed improvements for the kingdom of Hyrule such as fences and zombies.

Unfortunately, the conservative manchild, Link, somehow returned and rose up to defeat Ganondorf in combat. With a shout of "lower taxes for the rich!" Link charged Ganondorf and stabbed him approximately 9001 times. Not one to give up so easily, Ganondorf morphed into his incredibly useless piggy form which didn't help him at all. He was soundly whooped and forced to go into hiding, the shame of his defeat and his penis weighing heavily on his mind...

[edit] Super Smash Bros: Melee

Join me <insert name here> and I shall make your face the greatest in Koradia, or else you will die.

Being defeated by Link was so discouraging that Ganondorf fell into an early mid-life crisis. Taking the Triforce's words to heart, he began to search for the true beauty within his soul. Desperate for change, he traveled into the distant future, finding a world of awesome technology and metrosexual racers. Joining the F-Zero Gran Prix, Ganondorf donned a full black outfit, calling himself Black Shadow. He quickly made enemies with an intergalactic stud named Captain Falcon who paunched him so hard that it destroyed an entire galaxy. With the spirit of "watta shitta shien, shienzu" in his heart, Black Shadow, er... I mean Ganondorf, swore to outpaunch Captain Falcon if it was the last thing he did.

Finding a worthy rival, Ganondorf sought to copy every single one of Captain Falcon's techniques for his own purposes. Unfortunately, before Ganondorf could finish copying all of Falcon's techniques, Falcon returned to Valhalla where he would feed and grow to race and paunch the universe again. His newfound skills all but useless, Ganondorf took his fury out on all the other Nintendo characters like Pikachu and Mario. But not Ridley, because Ridley is too big. Unsurprisingly, Ganondorf was continuously destroyed by Marth who would always pick Final Destination because he's a tourney fag. His dreams shattered, Ganondorf returned to the past before he touched the Triforce and punched himself in the face. This action would not only provide his past self with blunt head trauma but also set in motion an entirely separate timeline. Ganondorf (the one with the Triforce) returned to his own time and decided to take a 200 year nap.

[edit] Twilight Princess

The blunt head trauma that the past Ganondorf received caused him to forget entirely about the Triforce and act like a total dumbass. He began to neglect his daily offering of dinner to the king which caused some animosity within the royal family. The last straw, however, was when he threw a party in Hyrule Castle without telling the king. The king told him that they could talk about mercy after Ganondorf scrubbed all the floors in Hyrule. Ganondorf called him a doo-doo head and was summarily executed.

Fortunately for Doofydorf (the unofficial name for this past self), the Triforce took pity on him and decided to make him an evil king of darkness right after he was stabbed by Obi Wan's lightsaber. Doofydorf seized this opportunity by drunkenly picking a fight with a mystical sage and then falling into a sewage pipe that took him directly to the Twilight Zone.

He manipulated the people of this poor zone by promising them bacon and cream cheese, using them to wage war on Hyrule and fuel sweet rave parties. This went on for some time until another conservative Republican, coincidentally named Link, had sex with a cat and then used the power of this love to murder Doofydorf forever (or at least until the sequel).

[edit] A Link To The Past

Gannon on a good day

Ages passed, and Dorf tried to get back to the good ol' days when he was king (it was good to be the king).Nevertheless, his name was still laughing material in Zelda's land, nobody would bow to such a joke!So, he decided to change his identity and thought of masking his name.After realizing Gaynon was kinda hilarious, he changed his name to Aghanim, and started to dress a veil he stole from an islamic girl (things were getting so bad he was trying to flatter Bin Laden again to see if he got some help).

However, flattering the king of Hyrule worked, and soon he became the king's vizier.Later, he killed the ruler.While the monarch was wondering what was for dinner, Dorf put castor oil in that one's wine.Ganon then became the new ruler of the empire and got hold of the Triforce (this time, entirely, yum!).With a personal grudge against princess Zelda, he imprisioned her in the castle's dungeons.However, she mind-contacted the ever bored, "nothing to worry", Link (this time with masculinity doubtful pink hair), and in no time, he rescued her and dropped her to the cares of an "innocent, lust-free" priest, who showed her parts of her body she didn't knew so well.

Dorf became worried.Everything was happening again!Soon, the naturally crafty young swordsman would get his hands on that sword and humiliate him again!So, Ganon threw the sword into the heart of a forest, in the hope of it never be found again.However, his former tennis parter Sharahsla saw it all.Angered because Dorf replaced him with Falcondorf (mah boy!) in the tennis duo, he told Link everything.

So, Link found the sword and beat Aghanim inside the Hyrule Castle.Angered, he sent Link to the Dark World, to see if the boy found a hobby there and would stop minding the Dark Lord's business.The Dark World was the Sacred Realm twisted according to the Triforce's holder's mind. As Ganny was mean and kinda perverted (he was raised in a group of chicks), the Sacred Realm was filled with crime, prostitution and drugs, .Link enjoyed the trip, as the boy's greatest dream was to star in GTA, a game respected enough to get an "M" rating.And he did find a hobby.Beating every dungeon boss, the mafias' leaders, Link soon became the land's one and only one "Capo", putting fear even in the famous italian mushroom mafia boss, Mario.But Aghanim still had a small influence in the land.Link, the godfather (as he became known), got up angry someday (last night's hoes weren't so hot) and kicked Aghanim's ass in the witch's Tower.

Aghanim then revealed himself to be Dorf, to battle one last time that Link.Obviously he lost, but at least, didn't ended up so humiliated, as Godfather Link defeated him with "his little friend", the bow with Silver Arrows.

[edit] The Wind Waker

Centuries after, Ganon rose, such a surprise.But prior to that, the Godesses argued in a Super Smash Bros round.Farore dared to say the powerful Din was using codes, despite Nayru's explaining there where no cheats in the game. So, the Godesses battled to the point Hyrule was nearly destroyed.They tough of migrating to Termina, but they just couldn't stand the Four Giants.To cover the disgrace, Nayru filled the land with water.Observing the Hyrule Royal Family was still alive, Dorf attempted once more to rape the princess, and once more was humiliated by the Master Sword.

[edit] The Legend of Zelda (NES)

When all the water was gone, the civilization was destroyed and Hyrule was left to 8-bit graphics.All the surivors were old people, who had to live in caves, with the exception of two people.Guess what?Link and princess Zelda (they always find a way)!Being somewhat slow, Dorf decided to try to rape the princess again, imagine that , as he surprisingly never learns the lesson.A gaga old man had a vision of this happening and told the well-known, sex-lacking, meddling kid, who at the time was exploring a cave alone (preety common for little kids).So Link beat the pig again. For Dorf's unluck, Link didn't use the weak Master Sword.The civilization was destroyed to such a point the object which had broght so much fun to the Hylians had been lost, or sold to another game for food.So, the pig was killed.

[edit] Link's Adventure

Being an an idol among the monsters in Hyrule, Dorf was tried to be ressurected by them, with the blood of a virgin.At first they tried Zelda, but it was later discovered she had made out with the Old Man (that guy was experient at the bed, oh-la-la).So, they had to pick Link (oh fuck!). Unfortunately, instead of uniting and beating the Hero togheter, they stupidly separated in several groups and decided to guard palaces, waiting for Link to come, as the guy was cleptomaniac.Besides getting rupees of other people's house, he loved to raid sacred temples (an habit that would later be mimicked by Lara Croft). This resulted in Link doing it again sucessfully, and the monsters killed mercilessly.

[edit] Dead?

Is dorf coming back? The common answer is: Nigga, please!But don't cry, Zelda nerds! Nearly every single game's story started in the pig's mischief! Myamoto's not going to end such a franchise...so great income...so easy to make a story, just repeat the formula...

[edit] Dorf in Super Smash Bros

In the Nintendo 64 era, the game maker Hal, along with Nintendo, released a fighting game named Super Smash Bros, starring Mario and his "friends" (right, friends kicking one another's ass).Yeah, no big deal.But, as Falcondorf was featured as a secret character, the sales went sky high.

When Game Cube was released, Nintendo was planning to release a sequel to Super Smash Bros, called Super Smash Bros Melee.There would be a lot of newcomers in the "fun" of killing one another.However, Ganny would be left aside.So, Falcondorf threatened to leave the game if his daddy couldn't join the "fun". Desperately, Miyamoto changed his mind, and also, in the sequel for Wii, gave Ganny-Dorf the cheapest Final Smash in the game.

In Super Smash Bros Brawl, Ganon shows the BADASS sword used in his castration.However, for unknown reasons, he doesn't use it, probably because Miyamoto was short of money and decided to recycle the moves from Melee.

[edit] Fun Facts

• Ganondorf is a beast not only literally, but at the pipe organ too.However, he sucks at Tennis (his hobby), failing to hit almost anything returned to him.
• Some argue he is related with Manbearpig.
• Ganondorf's least favourite food is roasted pork.
• It's said Falcondorf's got the eyes of his father.However, nobody has ever seen Falcon's eyes to comprove that.
• Falcondorf tried the same blackmail he did in Super Smash Bros Melee, in F-Zero, in a try to let his daddy join the "exciting" game. However, knowing the sales of the F-Zero series, Miyamoto laughed so hard he shitted his own pants.