Garden of Eden
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Not to be confused with the Garden of Edam
“The Fall, the Fall... that's all they talk about! Christ, I'm so sick of hearing about it.”
~ Cain on the Garden of Eden and how his parents suck
“ Had I been there, I would've been too busy admiring Adam's wang to eat that fruit, thus being the savior of humanity.”
~ Oscar Wilde on being heterosexually-challenged
“I'm sick of these motherfucking snakes in this motherfucking garden!”
~ Samuel L. Jackson on the Garden of Eden
The Garden of Eden (also known as In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida) was a garden in a place ironically called, Eden. Hippie love children Adam and his main squeeze, Eve, tended the plot with great care. No pesticides or non-organic fertilizers were allowed by God because He is a Communist.
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[edit] Origins of a Myth
Scientists like Stephen Hawking believe it's location was in Mesopotamia, and was a flourishing vegetable and flower patch approximately 7,000 years ago. At first, Yahweh (Hebrew, Great Googley-moogley) allowed all manner of flora and fauna, Man and beast, to live in harmony with Nature, and the relationship among typewriters, monkeys, and Shakespeare was well understood.
In Hebrew and Islamic traditions, the first old lady Adam got to was called Lilith. Everything was fine and dandy until they decided to have sex and Lilith wanted to be on top. Adam became frightened and insecure, and locked himself in the bathroom. When God heard of this, he commanded Adam to present himself for procreation, but Adam just wasn't up to it, so he bitched and moaned until God banished Lilith and created Eve from Adam's rib, but that comes later. Meanwhile Lilith had the idea to plant marijuana, poppies, and coca so that they could kick back and party.
Lilith is said to be the originator of today's drug problem, and references by Monty Python to a shrubbery. When Adam found that Lilith was unable to bear children, he tried to get her to wolf children after pigging out on magic brownies. In a drug-induced haze, she walked through the gates of Eden and became completely lost.
Adam was bumming out big time because he would have to start masturbating again. All of that horticulture was murder on his hands, and that meant painful masturbation. That night as he slept, the Man had Eve show up to surveille Adam, and made up a story about a rib or something to quell Adam's suspicions.
[edit] The Fall
In the Autumn of their fourth year together, Eve and Adam met Satan in the guise of a hedgehog named Bat Fuck Norman, who claimed to be touring the country in his VW microbus. He introduced them to psychedelic mushrooms and fugu (Japanese, puffer fish that makes you all trippy), vegetarianism, Buddhism, and Tarot.
As for the snake, well, Eve was quite sexually frustrated by this time, and the snake was a good conversationalist...
God became mightily pissed off when he realized the whole place was going to shit, while those damned hippies were hanging out, getting high and smelling up the place. On Friday the 13th, the Man showed up with a bunch of sheriff's deputies and an eviction notice. After their expulsion, Adam and Eve wandered the Earth and had two ungrateful little bastards for children. Yahweh bulldozed the whole place and put up luxury condos for retirees, thinking, at least He could cash in on His disappointment in humanity. This proved to be a mistake due to fluctuations in the Higgs Field of the real estate market, so God nuked the site and cut His losses.
[edit] False Rumours
- The Garden Of Eden is NOT a children's playground.
- The Garden Of Eden has NOTHING to do with porn.
- The Garden Of Eden does NOT have trap-doors of which are known only to God.
- The fruit in the Garden Of Eden will NOT cause your skin to turn you inside out.
- The Garden Of Eden is NOT really a massive black hole that sucks people to their death.
- The Garden Of Eden is NOT a euphemism for a Nazi Concentration camp.
- The Garden Of Eden is NOT a euphemism for hell.
- The Garden Of Eden is not a land fill, please take all your rubbish with you
- The Garden Of Eden Requests you do not walk on the grass or play ball games
- The Garden Of Eden DOES contain nude girls, who enjoy sex.
[edit] Eden Today
Sadly the garden is nothing like it was at the time of these events. The modern-day Eden is mostly desert, with lots of oil, terrorists and Americans and no talking animals or naked women running around, or people named Adam having orgies with hippos. Physicists theorise that something called a Higgs-Boson particle is responsible for the discovery of Piltdown Man in the Southeastern corner of the Garden formerly known as Eden.
[edit] The 'Eden on a Plane' Theory
This theory simply states that humans would not have been banished from Eden if Samuel L. Jackson had been there to kill that motherfucking serpent before it had a chance to corrupt Eve. Therefore it is God's fault that we are all sinners, because he did not invent him earlier, thus preventing the fall. It is also believed that if God had made Adam and Eve Chinese, they would simply have eaten the snake rather than the fruit, which would have saved us all from our evil ways.
