Garlan Alexandrovich Chekin

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Garlan Alexandrovich Chekin with his family, circa 1906

Garlan Alexandrovich Chekin, better known as Colonel Harland Sanders was the founder of KFC.

Childhood[edit]

Garlan Alexandrovich Chekin was born on September 9, 1890 in Czechania. When he was six years old he killed his father and forced his mother to go out searching for food. He then fed the body of his father to his younger brother and sister, saying it was "chicken", which was not far from the truth (it was "Chekin"). He claimed later that this was the time where he learned to change any dead flesh into something that can be eaten.

Despotism and an Order of Crispy Thighs[edit]

At the age of 16, Garlan Alexandrovich joined the Communist Party of Russia. He was hired by Lenin to cook for the proletarians that he needed for his communist revolution. Lenin was aware that he could change any dead flesh into "food", and that was just what Lenin needed to avoid bigger financial problems. At Garlan's request, Lenin also gave him some academic titles on request. Later Garlan claimed that he acquired these titles by correspondence study.

In 1920 Garlan returned to Czechania and founded a communist party there under the name Komunisticka Frakcia ńĆechanska (Communist Party of Czechania), also know as KFC. After gaining power by organizing a proletarian revolution, he gradually slaughtered the inhabitants of the country, one by one, and fed them to those still living. When the country was captured and destroyed in 1932, there were only three living people (and one deep-fried one) in all Czechania. Garlan fled again to the USA. He was 42 years old.

American Career[edit]

Back in the USA he started a roadside restaurant. The principle of the restaurant was quite simple: one of every twenty visitors to his restaurant was chosen to be slaughtered, and the body was prepared as meat for the other 19 visitors. The restaurant gained fame, and he had to move to a larger building where he would prepare 8 visitors as food for 142 visitors. His restaurant appeared in Adventures in Good Eating with the special note that those visiting it were in for a really surprising adventure.

The success of the business grew, and Garlan started to franchise his concept under the name KFC.

New evidence has shown that throughout his life, Colonel Sanders performed sexual acts on children. He lured them into the "playrooms" of various KFC restaurant where the kids got a "lollipop" by the name of "Big Daddy" with their meal, which had a gooey centre. It turns out that this so-called lollipop was actually the Colonel's penis.

After he had had his way with the kids, he killed them and used their remains in his "finger lickin' good" chicken. This was a world first, as there were actually real fingers in the bucket.

External links[edit]