Gauntlet
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“Wizard is about to die”
~ Gauntlet Guy on wizard trying to fight grunts hand-to-hand and being pwnded
“Elf shot the food!”
~ Gauntlet Guy on Dumbass elf shooting the food
“Everybody shoot Elf!”
~ Warrior, Wizard and Valkyrie on hearing Gauntlet Guy and not wanting to lose their quarters
“Treasure! 100 Points!”
~ Gauntlet Guy on treasure being 100 points
- You get home from a hard day of getting picked on and beat up by jocks. You've got NO girlfriend. You have a 2 liter bottle of Sprite, and an all Led Zepplin mix tape. It's 1985, you and your loser friends are about to have some X-treme gauntlet sessons.
- The black lights on, and your sweatpants with the little D&D Logo thingy on it are swollen with quarters. It is time... insert the quarter....come on dumbass, what are you waiting for!?!? That's it... a little more to your left.... done! Let us get started, shall we?
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[edit] What is Gauntlet all about?
This game is hard! Harder then a priest at a playground. But hey, I will try Gauntlet, a game made in 1985 By Japanese people is a game were you go around some random dungeon for no apparent reason looking for absolutely NOTHING. You’re just kind of there. Shit man, if I was the monster in the dungeon I would attack your ass too. I mean god, 4 weird guys coming into my house trying to take my treasure, and kill my cousin, and shoot my FOOD! Damn man. Basically, gauntlet consists of four of you and your nerdy, fat friends gathering around the arcade machine making sex jokes about the valkiere while the wizard runs behind her so it looks like your smacking her walrus cheeks, not funny.
Most of gauntlet is all about repetitive, annoying, gaily dressed men running around (which apparently was popular in the 80s) trying to get too level 100. You constantly lose health so the machine owners could make money.
[edit] Characters
- Warrior: The Jock in the group always picks this one. Fits all the qualities of one too. Always shoots the fucking food, every time (because if he can't have it, NO ONE CANNN!!). He is also slow as fuck. He throws axes he stole from the fire department and looks like a gay biker wearing a pair of 31t0n J0hn boots.
- Wizard: The Stupid kid of the group always picks this. Wizard has the BEST SPELLCASTING ABILITY but runs like Steven Hawking at a walk for breast cancer event. The kid playing wizard will inevitably end up pushing you down that huge hall of monsters so you can get your ass kicked by them as he uses you as a shield and attempts to get the potion. But by the time he gets to the potion everybody's died apart from warrior, and because warrior is BEING PUSHED warrior ENDS UP PICKING UP THE POTION. And WARRIOR SUCKS AT MAGIC. JEEZ IF I SEE THAT KID AGAIN I WILL SLAP HIM.
- Elf: The Jew in the group always picks this one. Fits all the qualities of one too. Takes all the treasure, and he is fast as fuck. The kid who plays elf thinks he is that gay elf out of Legend or Willow or whatever it was, who shoots ten million arrows a second. Elf is weakest and cannot do ANYTHING that takes power, basically sits back and watches. He is so fast, nobody can get anything unless he is dead or crying because he ran out of quarters. He shoots people, potions and food with toothpicks and runs away like a little bitch.
- Valkyrie: The emo kid always picks this one. Fits all the qualities of one too. Always gets spanked by the wizard. Carries a big slice of burnt toast around. Dies the most. Likes cats. Can dry hump an Orca. Loves to smoke weed. Sit Boo-boo sit, good dog.
- Jesus: I always pick this one. Fits all the qualities of me too. Immortal, savior of the earth and fkn pwns!!! O110ne. He is the guy who clears the screen with one shot, he is in every bottle of magic, and death is his bitch. The only stronger character is Ultra Jesus but he is only available in the 1999 japanese remake.
[edit] Monsters
- Ghosts
- Internet Trolls
- Slugs
- Mosquitos from hell
- Ohio - A buncha fat pasty losers that can't make up their mind
- Liberals - They'll raise your taxes!!
- Emos (mostly mistaken for Death)
- Food (if your the warrior)
- Lag - The hardest enemy, many go insane or worse, disconnect.
- The Atomic Coconut Throwing Gerbils
[edit] Gauntlet Guy
- Who is this guy? Really? I mean, I have never met him, he isn't in the phone book, and he rarely talks. He gets pissed when you shoot his food though. Some people think he is Capitan obvious because he states things that we already know. For instance, "Warrior shot the food", thanks asshole, I wouldn't have noticed just from the big goddamned red axe that just took my ham sandwich outta my hand. Thanks. Treasure, 100 points! Gee, thanks! So that's what the big 100 next to the treasure must mean! It could be John Madden, or maybe the game was meant for blind people. We will never know...
[edit] Gauntlet Guy Quotes
- Elf shot the food!
- I have never seen such bravery!
- Treasure, 100 points!
- Welcome, Wizard
- Welcome Jesus
- Sigue Heil!
- Elf shot the potion!
- We're sorry, the gauntlet guy is out sick today, and in his place will be Morgan Freeman. "In the room I am standing, there is a big, gray wall. It portrays some guy with a red axe shooting the food. Now, I don't know what the strong white man would shoot food for, but its just like pop told me, get busy living, or get busy shootin'
- Treasure 100 points. For ELF! Haha, too slow warrior!
- Wizard is about to DIE.
[edit] Ways YOU can DIE in Gauntlet
- Run out of quarters (178 per life)
- The fat-assed warrior is so slow he makes the screen go ALLL THE WAY BACK, so therefore you are jammed in between death and a wall, great.
- Stop Breathing.
- Smash the machine in anger because your friend has done one of the above.
- Get hit with a coconut
- Get up and go outside
[edit] Surviving in Gauntlet
Is not an easy task. You first must pack a bunch of quarters that you could of gave at church...but fuck them, what has God ever done for you? Then you take the quarter... put it in.... good. Now let's get to business and, WHOOPS, you died! Maybe it's because you have no friends you fat sack of O’Donnell lard. You could go to church and get some.... oh wait, no, you don't have any money, therefore the church is not your friend, time to look elsewhere...Well don’t look at ME asshole! I’ve got better things to do then write uncyclopedia articles and give YOU advice about something that isn't even popular anymore! Once you've gathered a sack of pathetic, shit faced friends, head on out back to the arcade... oh, wait, some other guys took your spot... Here is a list of things you can do in this situation:
- Say your Grandpa is dying and your mom has Polio.
- Take your penis and slab it on one of the kids shoulders, this will make him feel uncomfortable and want to run away.
- Take a shit on the arcade machine. Hey, always works fer me!
- Get a Job
OKAY! Now once they are gone, it is time to start playing, yayyy!!
