Gay Aardvark Pride Festival

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No, you are not drunk. This is, in fact, a gay aardvark.

The Gay Aardvark Pride Festival is a monthly occurrence in Las Vegas, New Mexico, meant to help gay anteaters of all species (e.g. some gay dude who eats ants may also take part) celebrate who they are in all of the diversity and wonder that comes with their denomination. Generally, in order to get psyched up to do this, they eat a lot of donuts. If donuts are not available, they instead eat ants. Or weasels. Aardvarks eat a lot of things, actually. Anyway, when they are all gorged on donuts, they then spread all of the remaining jelly donuts on the ground. This ritual is usually performed by the young female lesbians of the species. Then, Albuquerque being hot, ants soon smell the jelly donuts and crawl all over them. When enough ants are amassed, the gay anteaters will then eat the ant-covered jelly donuts. This is considered to be a rare treat among anteaters and is usually only eaten by gay royalty. Then the lesbian anteaters French kiss in front of everybody, which is when the partying starts (they have those long tongues for a reason, you know). Anyway, they then get super-drunk and scream, "We're gay!" to everyone they meet, then (if they are of the same sex) offer to marry them. Species is irrelevant. Sometimes, if they are drunk enough, they will offer to marry people of the opposite sex, too. They might even offer to marry weasels. Then, after all of the nuptials have been performed, they disperse and go to watch the rainbow balloons. Pretty.


Nobody really knows. Most likely, this tradition was started by a dude called Vasco de Gama. He discovered anteaters and decided that they could all come out of the closet. So they did, moved to Albuquerque where the air smells like ginger ale, and started up this tradition.

How can I join? (I'm not gay, but I like donuts)[edit]

Go to Albuquerque on the 14th of the month, go into a Krispy Kreme, and ask the guy behind the counter where the trapdoor is. When he shows you, go down it and there you are. Hold him up at gunpoint and steal some donuts for the anteaters while you're at it.