Geek Mythology

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Wikipedia doesn't have a proper article about Geek Mythology. It really wouldn't help those so-called experts by writing one either.

Early in their history, Geeks developed a complex pantheon of gods and godesses, as well as a curious and unfathomable cosmology. The Universe, it seems, was created by a faceless entity known as IBM.

Gates, the chief god in the Geek Pantheon. He looks a bit Amish, no?

The chief god of the Geeks is known as Gates. He is worshiped by most geeks. However, a small faction of Geeks worship Satan Jobs, a.k.a. Macifer. To explain his cult, most forms of Geek mythology state that Satan Jobs tempted Dork, Posette, and Vicky (roughly corresponding to Adam, Eve, and Lilith) with the Apple. Vicky took the Apple and started her own cult of Apple-worshipers. And Satan Jobs was pleased.

Trojan Horse[edit]

The Geeks, of course, have a complex mythos surrounding their greatest ever invention, the Trojan Horse. The geeks sent a big Trojan Horse onto the Internet, in a valiant effort to be the last ones standing to illegally download the pirated copy of Troy and vanquish a condom manufacturer in page rankings on Google. After that unfortunate incident, which of course Gates has erased from your memory, a popular saying remains: "Beware of Geeks bearing gifts" - meaning that if a geek gives you anything for free, don't take it, unless you want to be more phish phood than Pinocchio.


This is Mary, mother of Gates

Gates is not the only god in the Geek pantheon. Minor gods exist, including Mary, mother of Gates. She is also widely believed to be his consort as well. Mary, mother of Gates is actually worshiped by some Geeks. This is a minority, however, and most think it blasphemous to worship her. Oddly, one of the Mary-worshipers (or mariolaters) is Gates himself, who is widely rumored to have an Oedipus Complex (a special kind of apartment building). In any case, it is unlikely that this heresy will stop anytime soon.

According to Geek mythology, Mary was impregnated by a divinity far greater than IBM, known only as "Harold". "Harold" claimed to be from the future. When he broke down about how she would be dead when he returned to his own time, Mary reportedly called him a "big baby". Imagine her surprise when he unexpectedly became one. In any case, she decided that she would have an abortion and raise this "big baby" as her own. Unfortunately, she never went through with this abortion, because her husband, IBM, informed her that he had taken it into his head that one of his offspring would destroy him. He therefore decided he would swallow each of her sons as they were born. So, instead of having an abortion, Mary gave Gates to IBM, who swallowed him in one byte (he was rather little then). Meanwhile, the two of them were busy raising the baby that Harold had turned into. They named him Harold Part II, or HP for short. He grew up to be big and strong, and eventually overthrew IBM, but that is a different story. Incidentally, Mary and IBM had several other children, including Harold Andrew Lloyd and Adelle.

More About Gates[edit]

And so Gates grew up in the bowels of IBM. He had a very troubled childhood, since his only friends were annoying little parasites, mostly tech-support people and tapeworms. But one fine day, IBM was having lunch with Godzilla in Tokyo (Tokyo actually was lunch) when he choked on a building. He had to be given the Heimlich maneuver and little Gates came up with the building. Actually, a few of the original occupants didn't, like Coleman, the trickster god, but what happened to them is quite another story.

Gates eventually overpowered his father, and made him do his bidding. He also took over supreme control of the heavens, the earth, and cyberspace. Not long afterwards, he commissioned Al-Gor, a minor Arab deity, to create the Internet. He named the Geeks as his chosen people, and uttered the famous line, "Blessed are the rich in RAM, for the Geek shall inherit the Earth." The Geeks, naturally, live in Geece, a wonderful paradise and cultural center of cyberspace.

A Little about Geeks[edit]

Geeks are a fairly old civilization. Their national anthem is "It's No Longer about the Pentiums", which was written by Al-Iankhofik, a minor Arab deity who is also Al-Gor's first cousin. They spend a large amount of their time writing Geek Myths and Uncyclopedia articles. They tend to smell awful.