Georg Hegel
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“Even I don't understand what I'm talking about most of the time”
~ Georg Hegel on himself
“What the hell is he talking about? Something about Pong and its relation to apple trees? What the Hell!”
~ Søren Kierkegaard on philosophy class as taught by Hegel
“He turned Pong from a simple video game into the foundations of communism.”
~ Karl Marx on Georg Hegel
“Pwned!”
~ Georg Hegel on The Master-Slave Dialectic of Game Developers
Georg Wilhelm Friedrich Hegel, known to his friends and admirers simply as George, was a philosopher and smart-ass, and also a German. He invented the Hegel. His philosophy has divided people since its inception: on one side there are his admirers, including Karl Marx (also his on-and-off lover), Rene Descartes, Black Jesus, and the Republican Party, and on the other side are people who hate his guts, such as Søren Kierkegaard, Plato, Oscar Wilde, and the Democratic Party. No one really knows what his thoughts were (if he had any thoughts), but millions are willing to attack or defend them at any cost.
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[edit] Early Life
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He grew up in a privileged home in Germany. For much of his early life he did nothing of much importance. However one time he was playing Pong and he had a brilliant idea:
“What if the whole universe worked like a game of Pong?”
~ Georg Hegel on The Universe
Around this seed of an idea he began to craft a philosophy so great, so fantastic, so convoluted, that it made no sense at all.
[edit] Pong Dialectics
Hegel looked at the universe and said it could be summed up in three words: "back and forth." But to sound smart he said "reversed and forthward."
"If one Pong Hitting Device or Homo Sapiens or object goes in a certain direction to intercept an action, then the action (or ball aka a Round inflatable that is tossed) must have been tossed by another Subjective Individual. However first the ball must appear by the computer placing it there. Hence we can say with a certainty that God exists. Therefore if the answer to Life, The Universe and Everything is 42 then 42=Pong. Any mathematical equation done has to combine up to 42, so must be part of Pong. However God must play by the rules that he has made so he is also 42 and Pong. So Rules=42. All 42 rules are Pong. For example:
Rule one: Pong
Rule Two: Pong
Etc: repeat 40 more times
Pong players win by skill, therefore one must have skill to not suck at life and commit suicide. All things will be decided by how fast the ball is travelling. The idea or ideal we get out of this is that the sum total of everything is a grand whole of life that is working towards an objective and all things of this whole come forth by the Dialectics of Pong. Hence the game loses itself in its objective of winning. Hence we must conclude from our conclusions that our conclusions have made us get a high score in freedom. We must also conclude that we did this only because we were tossed by a dialectic into our hypothesis that all life was Pong and our conclusion of grand whole=42=God=Pong Dialectics. And might I further add..." (you get the idea, but that was the only bit of substance in the entire 3-hour lecture.)
Did that make sense to you?
No?
Me neither. But Hegel got a job teaching it for a living. He wrote a whole book on it called The Science of Video Games. He also wrote a Book called Science, Jesus, and Pong connecting his theories to Religion and how Pong could solve its disagreements with Science. He is also connected Pong with David Hume's "Pimp-Hoe" universal relationship.
Moreover, Hegel's ball theory was about the "evolution of the man" or something weird like that. Apparently, human minds according to Hegel "forward" and "reverse" towards a ultimate universality regardless of provincial culture. As people grow up into adulthood, their total experiences "evolve" because of everyone's emotions. And based upon these reactions from other people (like the pong game), these people can either "progress" into an intelligent person realizing the ultimate value of tolerance, peace, and democracy or "devolve" into becoming a uber religious, myopic, bigot (i.e; religious people). Crazy stuff, right? Unfortunately, after reading his book, his writing barely indicates this. He's a terrible writer.
[edit] Later Life
Hegel wrote more books about the implications of his theory...but none of them seem very important. He did however teach many people his ideas. One of these students was Karl Marx, who later said "Pong=Communism". Another student was René Descartes who said "I think, therefore I am, so I can play pong and pwn you n00bs." It is worth noting that Hegel taught This Guy while This Guy was discovering the many joys of kitten huffing.
People Hegel Taught:
Teacher comments: Grade B-, Karl has been doing very well in class, but he keeps calling out "Revolution!" during class. Makes my job hard.
Teacher comments: Grade B, He is doing fine, but I think he may be a bit evil.
Teacher comments: Grade A, René always does his assignments and pays attention. He is however having trouble determining if he exists or not.
Teacher comments: Grade C+ He's doing okay but he keeps asking annoying questions about the role of the individual and about God's provability.
Teacher comments: Grade F, has only showed up for class once. And during that one time he was high.
Hegel is known to have invented the Here and Now, he is the father of instantaneous cognition. Here is the Here only when it is the Now, however, the Notion of the Here is called the This which is a different This than that of the Now, the Now is not the essential this but rather the extrinsic Notion of the Here. After the cognition of the Notion-Essence-Here-Now-This, consciousness fold back on itself and reflect on a There which is not the same There as the Here but rather a dynamic Here which is a manifestation of the Now
[edit] Death
Before Hegel died he wrote a book called See Ya Later Gator. It was his only non-pong related book and is said to be the best book ever not written by Oscar Wilde. Hegel invented the Hegel on his death bed. He was 64 when he died.
