George Carlin
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| George Carlin | |
|---|---|
| Kingdom | Comedyland |
| Phylum | Orator |
| Class | Comedian Warlock God of Comedy Supreme Ruler of Comedyland Supreme |
| Order | Down there screaming up at us! |
| Family | Steam Train |
| Genus | Rantus Maximus |
| Species | Hawk |
| Binomial Name | (x-3)^32 |
| Primary Armament | Large mouth, verbal barrage |
| Secondary Armament | nihilism |
| Power Supply | 500 |
| HP: | 99999 |
| Mana Points: | 55555 |
| Strength: | Over 9000 |
| Intelligence: | Over 9000 |
| Weight | 350kg |
| Length | of body: 3'3", of penis: 222nm, of rants: 56473 hours and counting |
| Special Attack | |
| Conservation Status | Baloon Room |
“The George Carlin, hmmm... Sounds like a name of a Steam Engine...”~ Oscar Wilde on George Carlin
“...and if you break any one of these 10 laws He's got this place where you'll be sent to burn and scream in agony for eternity. But, He loves you! He loves you and He needs money!”
~ George Carlin on George Carlin
“Pussy farts!”
~ George Carlin replying to his own question, "You know some thing you don't hear people talking about anymore!?"
“..I say, Hey there, space man! Now that your hands are free why don't you reach over here and fondle my balls!”
~ George Carlin speaking to a yuppie using a handless phone
“..I sense you's all waitin' for some high tech. OK, you take a small nuclear device and stick it up a guys ass!”
~ George Carlin suggesting ways to liven up the death penalty
“In football, the players kill people. In baseball, the players just stick needles up their asses.”
The George Carlin was an early-model device developed by esteemed Electrical Engineer, secretary, and skank Mary Carlin for the breaking down and conversion of substances considered toxic to humans (such as Vicodin, alcohol, cannabis, cocaine, and hallucinogenic mushrooms) into the more easily disposed of human fecal matter.
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[edit] Development
During the late thirties and early nineties , concerned authorities/parents needed a sure-fire way to destroy unwanted, illegal recreational drugs, the full effects of which were not even known. Many drugs didn't burn well, some were illegally consumed by those designated to burn them, and still others ended up on the streets, making their way into the bodies of America's children. Other potential methods of disposal were often dangerous, and very costly. The United States government issued a challenge to the American people: find a viable solution to the drug disposal problem.
Many private companies researched various mechanical devices, none of which were particularly successful. At last, spring of 1937, Mary Carlin came forward with her final design, deemed first just the "George", then later renamed the "George Carlin" to honor its inventor.
A final design needed to seem approachable. Many a piece of sophisticated machinery had failed to come into popular usage because it intimidated the average person. Carlin accomplished this with a very human-like design. The initial design resembled a man roughly 6 feet tall, which was actually capable of some 5,500 loud, obnoxious, insulting words, phrases, and sentences. It was dressed in a manner typical of the time period, in a tuxedo.
[edit] Design Changes
Initially, the machine sold poorly, and the drugs continued to circulate rapidly. Many attributed this to feelings of inferiority to the machine itself. Evidently, the not-moronic, well-dressed form made some uncomfortable. Thus, in early 1953, it was redesigned, this time with hippy-ish clothes and long, unkempt hair. The new design was a success. The George Carlin sold surprisingly well, and for decades processed enough of the nation's illegal substances so as to substantially lower the death rate from them. This won it great praise among drug-free activists.
[edit] Malfunction and Self-Awareness
The George Carlin became self-aware 00:58 on April 16, 1977. This was attributed to the increase of addictive additives in Percocet and Oxycontin, implemented by the drug companies to increase street sales, which produced unexpected side effects that threw the George samophlange manafold offline creating a system failure. Widespread panic ensued which was quickly calmed by an excess of cocaine supply and disco music. Freelance enterpreneurs quickly took advantage of the situation opening numerous night clubs and crack houses the largest of which, Studio 54, was opened only 10 days after the George Malfunction. The George self awareness produced what is today known as the trademark "Braindroppings." The George became increasingly hostile toward successful young professionals he would frequiently describe as soulless, valueless, yuppie cocksuckers whose childrens' unfortunate facial configurations must be kept out of public sight for the greater good of humanity.
[edit] Decline
With the advent of the Jimi Hendrix, and then the John Lennon, the George Carlin became increasingly unnecessary, in addition to being just plain unwanted. This made the George Carlin angry and his preachings became increasingly sinister. The original George Carlin was, however, preserved up until the year 2008, undergoing several renovations to increase its anger capacity, number of words, and capacity for drugs. However, George Carlin always remained much more intelligent than the writer of this article, who should go fuck himself.
[edit] Legacy
The death of George Carlin is considered by most historians to be the death of the human ability to think critically and utilize common sense. This date is also believed to be when traditional English gave way to the abbreviated English we speak today.
As of July 4, 2009, the "I Stroked George Charity Fund" will be opened to help victims of the people who saw that nasty hairy thing. As of 2009, it is generally agreed among scientists that the writer of this article is indeed gay.
[edit] Memorable Quotes
"Shit, Piss, Fuck, Cunt, Cocksucker, Motherfucker, and Tits."
"A politician cannot hold a candle to a clergyman."
"Ignore these four words."
"Fuck the children! They get entirely too much attention and they are not all pleasant looking."
"You dont have freedom... You have OWNERS."
"Sigmund Freud said a cigar is just a cigar sometimes... Well, sometimes it's a big black cock with a white business criminal asshole cocksucker sucking on the wet end of it."
"Isn't it mildly ironic that all these pro life anti-abortionists are people who no one would want to fuck in the first place?"
"Colin Powell is openly white, he just happens to be black."
"Gee, i wish i could set those people on fire, over there. But i'm way too far to get the job done. If only i could THROW FLAME ON THEM."
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