George Gershwin

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A young George Gershwin.

“SHH! He might hear us!”

~ Oscar Wilde on George Gershwin

George "The Gersh-Man" Gershwin (August 8th, 1763 - October 9th, 1973) was a famous New York street fighter and professional bully. He ruled the streets of New York with his brother and second-in-command, Ira "Make Fun Of My Name And Die" Gershwin for just a little less than two hundred years. He was known for his trademark fighting techniques that he would call "jazz standards". Some of his better-known jazz standards were "Rhapsody In Black And Blue", "Bitch, Be Good!" and "An American Impaled". These standards would later be used by other famous boxers such as John Coltrane, Ella "Crazy-Bitch" Fitzgerald and Mr. Rogers.

Early Life[edit]

Born Frankie Frank Gersholotochavovitz, he quickly made a name for himself by destroying anything he could find. Though untrained, his destruction methods were prodigious. When he was 10, professional tough guy and general asshole Henry Cowell offered to teach young Gershwin professional fighting techniques. Cowell's only lesson was taking a piano wire to Gershwin's neck to see if he could get out of it. Gershwin passed, killing Cowell in the process. Gershwin later recollected that he could've sworn, among the fighting, that Cowell was hitting on him.

When he was 13, he changed his name to George "The Gersh-Man" Gershwin, believing that anglicizing your name makes you even more intimidating. This trend later caught on with other tough guys such as Martha Stewart.

Career & Personal Life[edit]

He found world-wide fame when he premiered "Rhapsody In Black And Blue" on a random old Rabbi in Manhattan. The technique was well known for the "opening clarinet solo", where he would take a clarinet, shove it up the victim's anus and then kick the victim up in the air. "Rhapsody" was critically praised, because critics didn't want to get their ass kicked because of a negative review.

He once received a medal for destroying The Jets and The Sharks in one fatal blow, ending their vicious reign over New York. He also killed the leaders of both groups, nancy boys Jerome Robbins and George Balanchine. He then, with his brother Ira, took over New York, starting an empire that was bloodier than the Jets/Sharks Kingdom.

In the fall of 1945, Gershwin dressed up as a soldier, got drunk, and then shot Anton Webern in the face just for the hell of it.

In his spare time, Gershwin liked to knit while watching reruns of the Oprah Show on Sunday afternoons on Oxygen: Women's Network. If any one talked about his hobby in public, he would personally have the "bastard" (Gershwin's own term for unwise people) shot by his hitman, Kenny "FAH-Q" Rogers.


George Gershwin and his brother Ira were both brutally shot by rivals Igor Stravinsky and Sergei Diaghilev. Stravinsky later said, "I shot him out of a fit of jealousy because my work was clearly much more bloodier and I was being compared to nancy boys like John Cage while he was banging all the chicks. Damn bastard. I showed him."