George III

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George III
King of Great Britain and Ireland, King of Hanover, King of North America
"King George III; popular in the USA"
Reign 1760 - 1820
Born 1738, the Royal Brothel
Buckingham Palace
Died 1820
Buckingham Palace Lunatic Asylum (only inmate)
Predecessor King George II
Successor King George IV "the fat"
Consort Some Blue-blooded tart
Issue Damned Yankee swines pulling down his statues

King George III, or George 3.0 as he was known in Silicon Valley venture capital circles, is best remembered as being the King of Great Britain during the period when Britain lost control of the thirteen colonies that became the United States. He was also King when Britain went to war with angry short-arse Napoleon and King when Britain went to war with the United States (again).

Early life[edit]

King George III was born plain old George in London, England. He was the first person in his entire German family to actually learn English as a first language and to take tea and crumpets for elevenses rather than gigantic sausages. He still enjoyed the giant sausages however and couldn't understand the english lack of any stomach for them, (all they're made of are subhuman hessian stomachs!)

Becoming King[edit]

George was crowned King of Great Britain and Ireland after his father, Frederick, died from farting too hard one day and he became next in line to the throne on the death of King George II. He was astounded to discover, on becoming King, that he actually had very few monarchical powers left to him. On summoning his Prime Minister and asking why this was the Prime Minister explained that his grandfather had given most of them to Parliament. George was confused as to how this could have happened but it was explained to him that King George I and George II had greeted each bill placed before them with "vos is das?" and been unable to read the thing so merely shrugged and signed it. George discovered that his remaining powers meant that he could have what he wanted for dinner every night of the week and had veto rights over the colour the royal bedroom was painted. Apart from that he was expected to sit down and shut up. Luckily, he was happy to do so, as long as he was provided with plentiful cake. Mmm, cake.

The American War[edit]

The problem arose when George III discovered that the colonists were telling the other kings that nobody liked him. In a huff, George ordered troops to the colonies, where they summarily administered wedgies and wet willies to all the opposition.

The reaction among the colonies led to the Boston Tea Party, generally considered the third dumbest-named event in human history, after World War II and Operation Iraqi Freedom. The colonists dumped tea shipments into the cold water of the harbour of the city Boston. Americans think this is still the best way of making a good cup of tea.

Being an upright Brit, this really pissed George off. Who were these coffee-drinking rat bastard evangelical pricks to be dumping HIS precious tea into HIS precious harbour?

George ordered more troops to the colonies. And they did bad things, or at least that movie with Mel Gibson said so. Honestly, The Patriot sucked. Also, wasn't there a Steven Segal movie by the same name?

And this led to the Boston Massacre, the Boston Cream Pie (not as sexual as it sounds), Boston Market and eventually the Boston Red Sox.

Once the colonist had to suffer the Boston Red Sox and their goddamned fans who will never shut the fuck up about the New York Yankees, the war took on a new dimension. With the assistance of the French, the colonists surrendered to the Germans. Then George got really pissed, because they were giving away HIS shit!! Come on, that ain't cool!

So, George ordered the New York Yankees to conduct a second Boston Massacre. The Yankees, riding atop horses the breathe fire, levelled the city of Boston, killed its men and boys of fighting age, carried away it women and boys young enough to pass for women, and retreated to the Green Zone for the duration of the war.

Maybe that was fictionalized in that movie? What was that? Was that like the dream sequence at the end of the Newhart TV show? Was the whole war just a dream?

Maybe that was in Johny Tremain. I don't know. I mean, there was that Howard Zinn book... but, did anyone ever actually read that, or did we all just piss it off and tell our professor, "Yeah, sure... whatever ... uh, huh... it was good... sure."?

Next time, don't assign shit you heard about in a movie... Christ? What has this academic world come to?

So, eventually the British lost to the Americans.

Later Life[edit]

After losing the war, George went about as usual but slowly grew ever more insane due to the fact he drank lemonade out of a lead bowl. Soon George 3.0 went completely bananas. Being King of Britain, his orders still had to be obeyed. One of the many changes he did was the ban of toothbrushes and showers. He died in 1820 when he choked to death on thin air in the Buckingham Palace mental Ausilum at the young age of 82.

His acts of insanity (and sanity) Included:

  • Thinking London had flooded and ordering a seive to sail away in.
  • Ending every god damn sentence with the word Peacock.
  • Adopting a handbag as a son when his fat bastard son George the IV took over as regent.
  • Arguing with trees and dead invisible people.
  • Giving George Stevenson lots of money and telling him to do something with it (he died before it was completed).

George's legacy still remains today.