George Lucas

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George Lucas, not even trying anymore.
This page covers the famous Star Wars-creating George Lucas. For George Lucas, tax fraud investigator from Hopkins, Minnesota, see George Lucas (nobody)

“He keeps mistaking me for some outer space smuggler or something name Ham or Han...or whatever the hell his name is.”

~ Indiana Jones on George Lucas

George Lucas (aka Count Lucula, aka Mr. No Chin!,AKA Money-grubbing Whore); born April, 1945. The first thing you should know about George Lucas is that you don't FUCK with George Lucas!! Like the mythical King Midas whose touch could turn objects to gold, whatever Lucas touches changes form. However, instead of gold, Lucas has the power to turn anything he touches into pure shit, with a smell so bad that even regular shit would say that it smells shitty.

Birth

He was born while touching himself. Although many of the details are not well understood or at least widely discredited, what is known is that one day in April 1945 the charred remains of former Nazi leader Adolf Hitler were consumed accidentally by filmmaker Ed Wood. The concoction of evil overlord and inept filmmaker proved a potent combination. Shortly thereafter, Ed Wood butt birthed an ass baby which he named Ogre ge luc Ass meaning devil from my ass. The birthing was filmed for Wood's docudrama, The Evil Anus Fetus. The film was never released but the footage was later incorporated into the Steven King film "Dreamcatchers". Immediately after birth Ogre ge was abandoned to the battle ravaged streets of Berlin. Shortly thereafter, he was found and adopted by a door-to-door buttplug salesman. Ogre ge was immediately put to work as a model to demonstrate his products. Ogre ge never complained and seemed to enjoy the work. Soon his adoptive father noticed Ogre ge's natural affinity for taking an ass ramming. Little did he know that Ogre ge was simply learning and would one day give as good as he could receive. In order to hide his new son's gift he changed his name to George Licksass, but changed it again to George Likesass, and eventually changed it a third time to George Lucas. As the unholy creature grew, he sought to unleash his message to mankind via Hollywood. After repeatedly appearing on the Gong Show as his alter ego "Gene, Gene the Dancing Machine" his message was clear.

Life

The birth of George Lucas has become heralded as the Butthole Birth and is often referred to by theologians as the immaculate constipation. Lucas' childhood is largely undocumented, but legend states that appearances by the young dark lord were heralded by a piss yellow Deuce Coupe and a bald headed eunuch on Prozac.

One day while eating his typical breakfast of potted meat, Miller High Life, and Cool Whip, Lucas received a vision from a gaseous visitor. It was then that he learned of his one biological and one scatological dad. Lucas later recalled the incident as follows "a brown cloud filled the room and overcame me, soon I was unable to breath and heard the following message "from ass born do shit make". I later awoke and promptly sharted - that is I took shit when I farted. I understood what I was to do." This led Lucas to living the solitary life of the unwiped one or he who has renounced toilet paper. In order to help spread his message of "crap on that which you do", Lucas developed a new revolutionary filmmaking style known as Not-Worth-A-Shit (NWAS). NWAS films are shot only on substandard celluloid stock with little to no post-production. All sound, music, and lighting must be done live and in one take. So if you've gotta pee, do it before you start shooting. NWAS films depend on clever dialogue and interesting characterization to advance the story and plot. Lucas may have been more successful as a director if he was talented in any of those areas. Despite his movies' massive unpopularity, Lucas refused to make any changes to his movies saying "Once they're done, they're done. I don't care if they're shit." For the most part, they were. Most films of the late 20th century are NWAS.

In 1976 Lucas killed his pal and confidant Elvis Presley. He then promptly threw a party and invited everyone he knew. To his horror, he saw the biggest gift was from Elvis and the card attached did indeed say, "Thank you for being a friend". Guilt ridden, he wrote a legal treatise entitled, "Meesa Thinks Braking the laws is a Crime".

Making grade A shit movies in NWAS did not dispirit the talented of the world as Lucas had hoped. In a surprising twist of events, Lucas had a wet dream. At the mid-point of the 1970's, a consortium of genius filmakers gathered to pool their collective talents to create one the greatest tales ever told. The project was to be bold in scope and execution, spanning ten years in the making. The project would be simply known as ... Star Wars. It would be one epic 12 hour movie shot starting with the beginnings of a young lad on a distant planet to his eventual downfall and later redemption by his own son! It could have been, perhaps, the greatest of all time.

When word leaked to George Lucas, he creamed. Black-mailing the majority of the participating filmmakers with as of yet unseen, uncredited, and to all but Lucas unwatchable enactments of "the Aristocrats", Lucas soon gained control of the project. The screw-up that followed is now considered the Magnum Opus of shit. Lucas's first decision was to start the movie in the middle of the story. This radical departure from conventional storytelling was a master stroke of masturbation and soon the entire project was huffed like a kitten. It has been theorized that a complete listing of all the plot-holes and continuity errors of Lucas's gargantuan shitpile would be impossible.

In 2008, the Modesto police arrested George Lucas for "raping" Indiana Jones while dressed as Howard the Duck, all the while screaming "Rise my apprentice! Rise!!! Oh God!"

In March of 2009, he was visited in jail by a reporter, and interviewed. He was asked what he planned to do in his 25 year sentence, and he said the following: "I'm actually already filming the 3rd and a half Star Wars film. It's going to be set in between the 3rd and 4rd film, and it's really going to focus on Luke Skywalker's sex life. I mean, when I was watching the 4th, 5th, and 6th movies, I couldn't help but think 'that bitch looks like he's been fucked up the ass.' So I'm really gonna center around that topic, and this time around I'm shooting for a G rating."

Discovered NWAS

Over the years Lucas has kept his collection of NWAS movies, production materials (proported to exist of a single black felt tip marker he would use for make-up) and scripts under tight security. However, from time to time, materials thought to be related to early NWAS productions have come to light.

Early NWAS Novelization

The first NWAS artifact to surface was a circa 1965 novelization of the NWAS film Yous guys fugetaboutit. The novelization, told in the style of a 1940's crime drama, follows the events surrounding a seemingly impossible riddle that has ensnared a hitman.

Excerpt from Yous guys fugetaboutit:


The weather that morning was terrible, first a light rain, followed by sleet which gradually turned into snow. I began following the suspect at 5:00 a.m. when he left his safe house. I hadn’t seen security like that before. Access to the back rooms was nearly impossible without detection. I thought the weather would make him reconsider. But no luck. I am often told I am the best in the business. And I am not cheap. This time though it was personal and for the first time, I was scared. This guy might be better. I must have blown my cover earlier. But when?

He was an elderly, kind looking gentlemen, thin build, with a moustache. As usual he dressed all in blue. It was his mark. I followed the suspect’s white truck, one of those custom jobs, now for three hours. He was taking side streets, sometimes doubling back, veering into shop doorways and jumping out again. At times he would get out to cross a street and then it would happen. He’d make a drop. I couldn’t believe it, right out in the open. The guts he had. His age had brought him experience I had yet known. I was scared again. When the time came though I had to be ready. My nerves could not interfere, eventually he would reach my house, and if I was not fast enough he would make his move and be gone. “What is his game.” I asked myself. Finally, he reached the street where I lived, stopping several times at other houses. No doubt, a last ditch effort to throw me off the trail. And then, suddenly we were there. He would leave no trace except for the handful of letters in my mailbox. This time I had him and he would bleed.


If not for a rare, taped interview in which Lucas takes credit for creating the Pulp Fiction genre of movies and stating that "all these wannabe pretenders like ol' Quint whats his face can go suck my man boobs" the certainty of the origins of Yous guys fugetaboutit would be not be known.

Lucas quote: "Yeah I did stuff just like Pulp Fiction many, many, years before. I mean you would never guess who did it until the last frame. All these wannabe pretenders like ol' Quint whats his face can go suck my man boobs"


2007 Robbery

In 2007 Lucas reported a break-in and robbery at his house. He reported the theft of several of his early NWAS films. Weeks later, a film credited to a Mr I. M. Abuttbandit surfaced online. It is widely believed that this is an early example of a Lucas NWAS film. The film titled Jurassic Christ tells the story a prehistoric Jesus ministering the gospel to cavemen. It is known that as a teenager and young adult, Lucas followed the teachings of a controversial and ultra-orthodox sect of the LDS Church. Later in life Lucas renounced this belief. To that end, Lucas now includes the so called "Jar Jar" character, the obvious intent being to make baby Jesus cry, in all his productions. Lucas, now a devout Duckist, has offered no comment.


A scene from Jurassic Christ.

The Reclusive Years

Around 1983 Lucas dropped out of the public eye. Many rumors surfaced as to his whereabouts and activities. A task force of investigative reporters and FBI officials were formed at the bequest of Uwe Boll (Lucas's former lover and second in command). After much field work a very shocking picture began to emerge. Lucas it seems had become a duck addict. In an apparent attempt to mimick L. Ron Hubbard, Lucas had devised his own bizarre relegious sect which he named Duckism. According to Duckism, many thousands of years ago, the earth was inhabitated by a race of giant, humanlike ducks. These ancient ducks had come from outerspace to populate the Earth and live a peacefull, quack-filled life. Lucas now believed these duck beings communicated with him via Aflac commercials. Lucas would faithfully record these messages in his own fecal matter on the walls of the secret cave he now dwelled in. Lucas then reemerged to the world proclaiming "I am all out of ideas". This message would be revealed to the world in the only serious work of Lucas's career, the immensely popular, 1986 blockbuster: Howard the Duck.

Documentary Days

Having made friends, and children, with Steven Spielberg, Lucas decided to do a project for Steven's Synagogue, in which he would follow the adventures of an archaeologist in search of the Arc of the Covenent. A big controversy revolved around re-enactments of early Nazi expeditions for the Arc. Since Lucas was sensitive to the plight of the Jews, he included a scene wherein Hitler realizes the error of his ways and circumcises himself with his favorite pocketknife.

He would go on to do an investigative report of a network of Indian Thuggies involved in child labor, and another religious-based documentary for The Vatican featuring actor and crimelord Sean Connery in search of the Holy Grail, a keg used by Jesus at the last supper into which he spilt his own blood and passed around the room in one of his typical cannibalist rituals.

In 1977, George Lucas married Carrie Fisher. They divorced in 1983, and for many years Lucas lived alone, drinking beer at his Texas Ranch. But in 1999, realizing he didn’t want to face the new millennium alone, Lucas married the young transsexual prostitute Natalie Portman.

Never before posted George Lucas Interview

Blame George Lucas for shameful tragedies like this.

This interview was made and recorded by R2-D2 at Mos Espa.

George Lucas:

I've always considered myself as a visionary "out of this world" director, so I wanted to create a movie out of this galaxy, concept, era, year, and so on and so on... the idea of making a movie from a "galaxy far far away..." (by the way that is a trademark) was invented in my mind at the early age of 6... I can pretty much tell you by that time R2D2 was exactly what I had in mind.

When I realized how much money I made with the first trilogy I knew I had to come up with the story of how does Anakin Skywalker become Darth Vader (I needed money for my second divorce actually). I think that is an interesting story and funny story to tell, the more I started writting the draft the more I knew the first trilogy had to be remake, it just didn't work, it didn't work at all.

All the actors did such a lazy job trying to implement my vision and it was ok at that time. Computer technology helped me to fix this awful work. For instance, let's mention Jabba The Hut, Jabba had to be replaced by a computer character to look like a worm, that's how I wanted him, frustrating by not finding the right worm to play the role that was in my head, I had to came up with something and since I was not very impressed in the casting, I knew the scene had to be digital. There was one worm however that was very good at playing Jabba, but he demanded so much money that I had to fire him. I decided then to re-create it digitally, not to mention it is cheaper but also looks cool too.

At the same time, I took advantage of that by, fixing every single frame in A New Hope and be able to launch A New Hope remastered. Now named Episode IV A New Hope, insted of "The Star Wars" which is by far ridiculous. I wanted also to change a dull scene from episode VI, which involved Sebastian Shaw (the actor inside of the Vader's Suite for those of you n00bs who didn't know),' I was able to do this however avoiding any kind of sue due to the rights of the actor, as you may know I'm sure, Mister Shaw passed out on December 23rd 1994, so there was no problem with re-shooting the scene, I mean it makes sense, how does a person in this case Sebastian, can claim for rights if he is already dead right? (ha! ha! ha!).

Another scene that seemed to piss off my fans was the scene with Greedo and Han Solo. The unfamous question: who shot first? Well, let me tell you that I don't care if you didn't like the actual scene of Greedo shooting him first, but if you had bought my "rare-unseen-very-special-edition-one-single-packed-deluxe-box-set-extended-limited-version-with-gift" you'll know that actually I had it that way already in the delete scene number "66".

Finally, after 2005, the kick-ass release of "Episode III: Anakin Finally Becomes Darth Vader Due To Severe Injures In Mustafar Volcanic Planet Where He Got Burned After Fighting Obi-Wan Kenobi Because He Thought Obi-Wan Had Turned Padme Against Him" I can happily say that I'm millionare again, not to mention the tremendous colaboration of my always long term friend who wrote the beautiful background orchestral music for the movie Mister John Williams. We have thought of releasing a new box set version of the soundtrack with alternate tracks, it is tentative for June 15th 2007, and then a RE-release of the same soundtrack but in Special Edition, with different cover maybe...

Finally it is important to mention you can expect the "final" release of the Star Wars Saga also known as "The Star Wars Hexalogy"

This was George Lucas from Mos Espa here with my best real friend R2D2, see you in theaters for Episodes VII (2009) VIII (2012) and IX (2015), I'm not going to tell you much about the movie.... but let's just say that Obi-Wan Kenobi was in fact the father of the twins... by the way you can preorder the movie tickets at http://www.georgelucasthx1138.com and then again, "We don't need actors just computer graphics" "Location of where the new Star Wars movies were filmed (blue screen and green screen)" and many more. And finally, last but not least, special features such as: "This Is How I Became Millionaire" and "How To Ruin A Good Story Featuring Peter Jackson".

Thanks for making me millionaire... AGAIN!

Afterlife

After his death, Lucas split into two parts, one spirit, one flannel. After the separation of spirit and flannel, his followers fought a war of formats. LaserDisc, CED, and VHS factions all faced off against the DVD. The Format Wars continue, though only those who have experienced the CEDs claim to know the canonical truth as to the final resting place of George Lucas.

Filmography

  1. Star Wars
  2. George Lucas and the Quest for Diabetes
  3. Star Wars: The Quest to Pay Off My Alimony
  4. Star Wars: Harold and Jar Jar go to White Castle
  5. Hey, There's Some Food in My Beard! Episode IV
  6. THX 666
  7. THX 69: George Lucas and Steven Spielberg's Untold Story
  8. Gungan Graffiti
  9. KTHXBAI: The Movie
  10. Rocket Knight Adventures
  11. Star Wars vs. Star Trek
  12. Star Wars vs. Star Trek 2: The Wrath of Jar Jar
  13. How to pee in a woolen basket, a movie for low iQ-people
  14. Crap Wars
  15. Luke Skywalker: The Return of the Ass
  16. The homeless life: Based on a true story experienced by George himself
  17. Black Men in White
  18. Star Wars Episode X:Revenge of the Box Office Failure
  19. Star Wars Epsiode X+1=1-21(5)=?: Revenge of George's Math Teacher
  20. Indiana Jones and the Temple of Dung
  21. Freddy vs Jason vs George vs Spielberg
  22. Star Wars: Obi-Wan and Yoda escape from Guantanamo Bay
  23. Luke and Leia Go To The Tosche Station To Pick Up Some Power Coverters

See Also

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George Lucas is part of Uncyclopedia's series on Mass Media.


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Epic Visionaries

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Not-So-Epic Visionaries

Michael Bay | Uwe Boll | Tim Burton | Ken Burns | John Carpenter | Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer | Mel Gibson | Tom Green | Catherine Hardwicke | Spike Lee | George Lucas | Dolph Lundgren | McG | Michael Moore | Leonard Nimoy | Guy Ritchie | George Romero | Joel Schumacher | M. Night Shyamalan | Alan Smithee | Oliver Stone | Billy Bob Thornton | Tommy Wiseau | John Woo | Ed Wood | Rob Zombie

Highly Respected in France

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Highly Confusing in Japan

Milos Forman | Terry Gilliam | Akira Kurosawa | Russ Meyer | Quentin Tarantino

Highly Disturbing in Mexico

Guillermo del Toro | Jared Hess

Highly Racist in Suid-Afrika

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