George Washington
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| Term of office: | April 30, 1789 – March 4, 1797 | |
| Preceded by: | Oscar Wilde | |
| Succeeded by: | Satan (Incumbent) | |
| Date of birth: | 1732 | |
| Place of birth: | his mother's Vagina | |
| Date of death: | 1799 | |
| Place of death: | Mount Vernon, Virginia | |
| First Lady: | Martha Washington | |
| Political party: | Birthday Party | |
“We used to get in the worst kind of trouble...”
~ Oscar Wilde on George Washington
“George Washington: wooden teeth. Tobias Lear: penile splinters. You do the math.”
~ Groucho Marx on George Washington
“Check the one-dollar bill, shortstack! I was PRESIDENT!!!”
~ George Washington on George Washington
George Washington (February 22, 1732 – December 14, 1799) was the second President of the United States of America. He served two four-year terms from 1789 to 1797, winning reelection in 1792. Because of his central and critical role in the founding of the United States, Washington is referred to as father of the nation. His devotion to republicanism and civic virtue made him an exemplary figure among early American politicians.
A little known aspect of Washington is that he was also the first Emperor of America, having formed a conspiracy after losing faith in democracy. At the end of his life, he died, passing the Imperial title to future traitor Aaron Burr.
Furthermore, George Washington never owned slaves.
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[edit] Early Life
George Washington was born a humble farmer's boy in the north of Virginia. In his early life, he became a sharecropper, only embarking on his military career after he was caught huffing magic mushrooms by his parents.
When questioned by his father, Washington famously retorted "Father, I cannot tell a lie, because of the beetles in my brain."
[edit] Military Career
On his first day as a recruit, he was sent out into the woods as part of a hazing ritual. As he walked about, he stumbled upon a small boy. After exchanging greetings and names, Washington asked if the lad had any mushy bread, for his teeth had become rotten.
"No, sir," the boy replied, "but I can give you some walnuts."
Washington took the proferred walnuts and attempted to take a bite, but screamed out in pain as one of his teeth broke.
"You faggy kid!" he cried. "When I--"
But no sooner had he screamed out in rage than the boy leapt away, stranding Washington in the woods. Infuriated, he loaded his flintlock pistol and started tromping through the woods in search of someone to shoot at. Before long, he came upon a military camp. Sneaking into the middle of the clearing, he starting firing in all directions.
Unfortunately, he had snuck into a French camp, and one of his shots ricocheted off a tree and killed a French ambassador. This disastrous hazing jump-started the French and Indian War.
During the war, Washington commanded Virginian forces, but was denied a commision following the French surrender, so, in 1758, Washington resigned from active military service and spent the next sixteen years as a Virginia planter and politician, with the occasional night or so spent in bed with his book-keeper, Tobias Lear.
[edit] Adult Life
[edit] The Revolutionary War
In 1775, just after revolution broke out, Washington appeared at the Second Continental Congress in military uniform, signaling that he was prepared for war. Washington had the prestige, the military experience, the charisma and military bearing, the reputation of being a strong patriot, and he was supported by the South, especially Virginia. There was no serious competition. Congress created the Continental Army on June 14; the next day on the nomination of John Adams of Massachusetts it selected Washington as commander-in-chief.
After six years of war, Washington finally cornered the British commander Cornwallis in 1781 at Yorktown. Forcing him to play "Yankee Doodle" on a fife, Washington mentally tortured the commander until he agreed to end hostilities. At long, at last, the war was over.
[edit] The Constitutional Convention
But the true conflict had not yet begun, for, when Washington returned to Philadelphia as a hero in 1783, he noticed the inherent weaknesses of the new government, and realized, with growing horror, that this new country stood no chance in the world if it began as such. Resigning his commission, he returned to Mount Vernon to tend to his tobacco plants.
The move worked; the public, believing Washington left over a squabble with the government, began to mistrust its leaders. Within four years, the government was on the verge of collapse. Washington, now taking command, petitioned his Congressman for a new Constitutional Convention, and, soon, every state joined their voices to his cause. As predicted, the government acquiesced to their demands.
Hoping to make a popular decision, the government declared that Washington himself would preside over the Constitutional Convention. Due to his influence, it drafted the much stronger United States Constitution in July of 1787.
[edit] The Presidency
In 1789, Washington became President of the United States and promptly established many of the customs and usages of the new government's executive department. He sought to create a great nation capable of surviving in a world torn asunder by war between Britain and France. His Neutrality Proclamation of 1793 provided a basis for avoiding any involvement in foreign conflicts.
Washington wholeheartedly supported Alexander Hamilton's plans to build a strong central government by funding the national debt, implementing an effective tax system, and creating a national bank. When New York lawyer Aaron Burr caught syphilis from Hamilton, Burr complained to Washington, who, recognizing him as the the boy who had given him walnuts, had him ejected from the Executive Mansion; Burr subsequently ran for the state legislature and won.
When rabbits in Pennsylvania defied Federal authority, Washington himself rode at the head of the army to authoritatively quell the Carrot Rebellion. Seeing that their sharp bunny teeth and cuddly tails were no match for an army of soldiers with guns, the rabbits surrendered to federal authority, creating within them a brewing hatred for humans that, eventually, only DeForest Kelley could quell.
Washington avoided the temptation of war and began a decade of peace with Britain via the Jay Treaty in 1795; he used his immense prestige to get it ratified over intense opposition from the Jeffersonians. Although he never officially joined the Federalist Party, he supported its programs and was its inspirational leader.
By refusing to pursue a third term, he made it the enduring norm that no U.S. President should seek more than two. Washington's Farewell Address was a primer on republican virtue and a stern warning against involvement in foreign drinking games.
Unknown to most, he was also the begetter of a conspiracy involving the highest levels of government, in which Washington himself covertly became Emperor of America.
[edit] Emperor of America
At first, Washington had made an honest attempt to freely use the Presidency at whim, but it was seven years in when he realized it just wasn't working; the President had to be ceremonial. Gathering together a select number of Congressmen from the 4th Congress who agreed with him, they set about creating a new office: Emperor.
[edit] Conspiracy
The President would do all of the dignitary business and put on quite the show, while the real ruler of the nation, the Emperor, a life-long ruler, would focus on the actual affairs of foreign policy and state. Thus, the President and the entire Executive Branch's purpose was not to wield power, but to draw attention away from it. Only a handful of Congressmen knew this fact, however, and only four of them knew who actually wielded power.
These men were:
- John Adams, Vice President
- Henry Tazewell, President pro tempore of the Senate
- Jonathan Dayton, Speaker of the House
- Rufus King, Senior Senator from New York
As part of the plot, they appointed Associate Justice William Cushing to the position of Chief Justice of the Supreme Court for ten days, during which time the conspiracy was legally finalized by a covert amendment made to the Constitution, rendering all decisions made by the President null and void and giving an expanded version of the Executive Branch's powers to the office of Emperor.
Cushing then, in an Anglican ceremony, anointed George Washington to be America's first Emperor, to serve for life in a role many desired but few would dream of. Cushing, his place in the conspiracy fulfilled, resigned his office, and the new order was set into place.
[edit] After the Presidency
Once Washington retired, he made a few decisions from his plantation here and there, but not enough to count. His health seemed to be moderate, but in December of 1799 it took a rapid turn for the worse. Summoning Aaron Burr to his home, he revealed the entire conspiracy to him, then confided in Burr that, ever since the two had first met, he had always been secretly intrigued by the younger man's pragmatism and abiding love of country. Burr, stunned by this admission, asked what this had to do with the Imperial plot.
Washington told him:
| All that I have, all that I've learned, everything I feel... all this, and more I... I bequeath you. You will make my strength your own, and see my life through your own eyes, as your life will be seen through mine. I have always had faith in my countrymen. They can be a great people, Aaron, if they wish to be. They only lack the light to show the way. For this reason above all, their capacity for good, I will send them you... my only heir. |
Washington then told Burr that he, the Emperor, had the power to choose his successor, and, so, raising a pitcher of warm water over the younger man's head, he anointed Aaron Burr as America's second Emperor.
[edit] Death
After the ceremony, Washington's friend Tobias Lear came into the room. After excusing Burr, Lear was informed of the anointing. Enraged, Lear took a pillow and smothered Washington to death. Predictably, this led to what is probably the first dreary Presidential funeral.
During Washington's funeral oration, Henry Lee famously said that of among all Americans, he was "first in war, first in peace, and first in the hearts of his countrymen." No truer words have e'er been spoken.
Requiescat in pace!
[edit] Famous Quotes
It should be noted that Marlon Brando in Superman: The Movie stole all of Washington's good quotes; these are the leftovers.
"No, Ben, I don't want to go cruising for chicks with you tonight, I have to cross a river."
"They call me George the Nasty."
"You can't handle the truth! Bah! I deride your truth-handling skills!"
"Actually, yes, my balls are wooden."
"Jesus, how the hell was I supposed to know he's only 10 years old?!"
"I shall never tell a lie. I steal all my quotes from Oscar Wilde."
"I swear to God, Martha, I got it from sitting on a chamber pot!"
"When I get my hands on Benedict Arnold, I'm going to beat him like a red-headed step child."
"I'll take the physical challenge; my libido knows no bounds."
"FORD THE RIVER?!? FUCK THE RIVER!!! GET IN THE FUCKING BOAT!!!"
"Where'd my little Custis go?"
[edit] See Also
A Primary source documentary on George Washington
| Preceded by: none | President of the United States April 30, 1789 – March 4, 1797 | Succeeded by: John Adams
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| Preceded by: none (New Creation) | First Emperor of the United States February 4, 1796 – December 14, 1799 | Succeeded by: Aaron Burr |
