German grammar will hold you upside down and fuck you in the ass until you can't walk. It will then tie you up and leave you alone for days on end with an all-you-can-eat buffet just out of reach. Then it will go crazy on your face with a cheese grater until you are dead. Stay away from German grammar. Seriously.
Like many funny-sounding foreign languages, each noun in German has a gender. These genders include masculine, strong masculine, weak masculine, feminine, German feminine(read: masculine), effeminate masculine, hermaphrodite, neuter, spay, and RuPaul.
Weak Masculine Nouns
As Germans are an extremely masculine and tough race, and feel the need to preserve their masculinity and toughness in all cases except the nominative, German grammar distinguishes and roots out weak masculines from the language. In 1940, by order of "Der Führer" (a strong masculine, by the way), weak masculine nouns were required to take a special "-en" ending themselves, whereas strong masculines take no ending as such, their articles and adjectives taking the ending instead. This was applied in all cases except the nominative case, in a similar way to Jews being made to wear a yellow David's star during WWII, so as to mark them as weak, separate and disposable.
Examples of masculine nouns include "der Jude" (Jew) - no explanation required; "der Schwule" (homosexual) - they got to wear the pink triangle instead of the yellow David star for being so friggin' weak and effeminate; "der Brite" (Brit) - as all Brits are especially weak; " der Tourist" (Tourist) - as most tourists are foreigners and foreigness weakens strong, pure German blood; "der Sklave" (slave) - for obvious reasons; and "der Junge, der Knabe" (boy) as German men prefer their boys weak, pretty and down on their knees.
Der schöne, stärke deutsche Mann wird von dem feinen, kleinen Jungen bedient. The handsome, strong German man is served by the pretty, young boy.
There are several different cases in German grammar. Depending on what part of the sentence you're in, everything about it can be changed, seemingly at random.
In the nominative case, nouns and articles are used in their natural form and require no special endings. This is never used.
e.g. Hänsel schmeckt gut. Gut schmeckt Hänsel.
This is the case when someone is being accused. In the vast majority of cases, males are accused of things, thereby ending up in court. Unlike English (where syntax rules), word order can be chaotic and confusing in German, so to streamline cases, German judges required that articles and adjectives preceding masculine nouns being accused acquire the ending "-en" (instead of "-er"), while nouns of other genders are simply ignored, as feminines and neuters don't end up in accusative cases nearly as often.
e.g. (From a classic accusative court case)
Prosecution: Der Hund hat den Mann gebissen. (The dog has bitten the man.) Defense: Den Hund hat der Mann gebissen. (The man has bitten the dog.)
Used when the verb denotes an act of traveling or movement involving heavy packing of one's possessions. Masculine nouns have the ending "-manbag", Feminine adverbs have the ending "-handbag" and effeminate masculines have the ending "-Louis Vuitton".
Used when talking about primates, prime numbers, transformers, or the band Primus, or when spoiling the ending to the movie Primal Fear. Adjectives in this case are spelled backwards, while nouns of the feminine persuasion usually faint.
e.g. Ich bräuchte keine Krankenschwester.
The Dative case is used when couples are on dates and is used mainly when a guy starts getting horny, thus providing a convenient way for German males to signify that they intend to copulate immediately ensuing dinner, the movie or the walk in the park. German women are usually delighted when a male begins to use the Dative case as German men rarely copulate with women (see section "Weak Masculine Nouns" above and "Genitive case" immediately below). It is also a legal requirement for all Germans to use the Dative case all day on Valentine's Day, as it is also a legal requirement for all Germans to engage in heterosexual sex on Valentine's Day as a solution to the population decline (see section "Weak Masculine Nouns" above and "Genitive case" immediately below for the reason as to this decline).
When using the Dative case, masculine and neutered articles and adjectives acquire an "-em" ending, feminine nouns the "-er" ending, which tends to turn ordinary speech on its head, as the "-er" ending is usually reserved for masculine nouns. Linguists theorize that this phenomenon reflects the heady and giddy feelings of extreme sexual arousal. Foreign learners of the language hate the Dative case for this reason, as it requires a lot of process to suddenly convert all masculine nouns into feminine nouns. It is also speculated that the Dative case for this reason is one of the contributors to the high rate of transsexualism in Germany.
As males become increasingly aroused, the endings tend to lengthen, leading to an auditory effect that leaves many a foreign tourist in Germany flabbergasted and on the floor laughing as speech becomes totally ridiculous sounding, due to the fact that when speaking the very lengthened endings, speakers place an exaggerated siren-like intonation on them. Imagine an ambulance driving by.
So, upon the first signs of arousal, the German may say something like
Wegen deinem shoenen Rock auf deiner glitzenden Haut ist mein groesser Schwanz wirklich sexuell erregt! Because of [DAT MAS SING] your beautiful dress on [DAT FEM SING] your glistening skin is my big dick really excited! "I'm really hard thanks to that beautiful dress on your glistening skin!"
If he is just about ready to shoot in his pants however, the sentence will come out like this: "Wegen deinemmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm shoenen Rock auf deinerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr glitzenden Haut bin ich sehrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr errrrrrrrrrrrregt! - with the siren like intonation on the dative case endings.
("Sehr" and "erregt" do not take case here - but there is an analogous effect on these words caused by the invocation of the Dative case and the fact the guy has just prematurely cum in his pants.)
The Genitive case is reserved for all things sexual (unless on a date - see Dative case above). This makes sense as the German word "Genitiv" (Genitive) is cognate with the English word "genital". Thus masculine and also neutered nouns (but not feminine nouns) in the Genitive case acquire the word ending "-(e)s". The now optional morphemic infix "-e" in this position is a bit of a throwback to more prim and proper times, and is wholly optional nowadays. In fact, many German youths like to rebel against their mums when reaching the age of 13 by dropping the intermediate "-e" ending on Genitive governed nominals, and especially on monosyllabic nouns, which is perhaps one reason why Germany has such a healthy punk/industrial art scene. Such dropping of morphemic in fixes after all is pretty, well, radical. However, the "-s" ending is there without question and obligatory, not even remotely questioned by the most exploratory German punk, because of the fact that "s" resembles the shape of a snake, which, as the great German psychologist Sigmund Freud proved, is a universal symbol of the male sex organ. Another suggestion for the Genitive marker was the letter "j" (denoting an ejaculating erect penis) but as "j" is a soft consonant which never appears at the end of consonant clusters, it was feared making the erect "j" the Genitive ending would be too unpopular with native speakers who might not have bothered pronouncing it, thus possibly leading to the demise of the Genitive altogether. Feminine nouns don't get any special Genitive ending as in German culture 1) vaginas are considered empty holes to be abhorred except when the need for reproduction arises, which is why 2) German men much prefer young boys to women (see section Weak Masculine Nouns above). So, the Genitive case is used in this way:
Das Ende eineS PornofilmS ist immer eine Schande. [NOM NEUT SING] The end [GEN MAS SING] a porn fim is always [NOM FEM SING] a shame "it's always a shame when a porn flick is over."
DeS Knaben Schwanz gefaellt mir sehr. [GEN MAS SING] The boy [NOM MAS SING] cock befalls [DAT SING] me really "I really like that boy's cock."
Note that the nominal "Knabe" (boy), declined for the genitive in the example above does not actually have the usual "-(e)s" ending as "Knabe" (boy) is a Weak Masculine Noun requiring the weak "-en" ending, German men preferring weak boys and all (see section Weak Masculine Nouns above).
Vowels of words in the anorexic case are omitted, as are several unimportant consonants.
Used when befindlichkeit, origin of movement, or motive is uncertain. In the sentence "Wen hat der Mann geschossen?" "Wen" is the Cold Case.
Used in Internet discussions. All nouns end in 3. All verbs are repeated five times, except those that end in n. When used in the plural, a 1 is added to the end of every other word, and always at the end of a sentence.
The only area where you can't be raped by German sentences 45 words long with 8 verbs at the end, giving sense to the sentence you just forgot because it was too long. Go here if being chased by a German who talks way too fast (i.e. 97% of them).
Ace of Base
Also: Swedish band almost as popular as German grammar.
In the unlikely case that you manage to avoid the grammatical pitfalls mentioned above, then still the correct German word order will fuck your brains out. Germans just love to obey rules, and to make speaking their language more pleasant, they invented hideous rules that determine the word order. You add one tiny little innocent word to a phrase, or just put a question mark at its end... and KAZOOM!, you have to shuffle around all the other words in the phrase to make the phrase comply wiz ze rules. It is important to note zat zere is only one korrekt vay to phrase a sentence. This concept is more widely explored in the article on word order.
- Wilhelm fickt Monika in den Arsch. (word order: "Bill loves Monica very much.")
- Nachdem sie ihm einen bläst, fickt Wilhelm Monika in den Arsch. (word order: "After she at him smiles, loves Bill Monica very much.")
- Fickt Wilhelm Monika in den Arsch? (word order: "Loves Bill Monica very much?")
- Ob Wilhelm Monika in den Arsch gefickt hat, ist mir scheißegal, weil ich nur Männern einen blase. (word order: "Whether Bill Monica very much loved, is to me regardless, because I only to men a smile.")
Nouns are easy enough to spot. They are always overcapitalized. Take this sentence for example.
Der Computer hat einen verdammten Fehler! Was soll ich denn mit den blöden Computern machen, wenn ich eigentlich diese wichtigen statistischen Berichte über sexuell übertragbare Krankheiten von der homosexuellen Bevölkerung der Vereinigte Staaten von Amerika aussenden muss!?
Translation: The god damned computer has a error! What should I do with the stupid computer, when I have to really send out these important statistical reports about sexually transmitted diseases of the homosexuals population United States of America!?
Verbs and Sentence Structure
Verbs go where you basically want them to go in a sentence. There are rules, but no one seems to pay fucking attention to them, leading many learners to question their choice of foreign language.
- Ich gehe nach Mannheim, um diese geile Frau zu ficken.
- Morgen gehe ich nach Mannheim und ficke ich diese geile Frau.
- Wenn ich Bock drauf hätte, diese geile Frau tierisch zu knallen, und die Bahn bestreikt wäre, würde ich trotzdem von Bockblaserdorf nach Mannheim [zu Fuß] gehen.
- Ich hatte Lust, nach Mannheim zu fahren, um diese Frau zu ficken.
- Als Mannheimer, natürlich fände ich es total spitze, diese saugeile Sau versaut zu ficken.
- Ich beobachte gerne Vögel im Stadtpark Mannheim, wenn du weißt was ich meine!
- Sie ist total geil für mich Fritz, zwar sie wird mir in einem kleinen Auto in einem Mannheimer Parkhaus einen Blasen!
- Mein Deutschlehrer hat mich darauf hingewiesen, dass wenn ich den bloßen Gedanke hätte, dieses Inzestmädchen mit Schwimmfüßen aus Mannheim zu ficken, sollte ich die Mannheimer Anstalt für Geistesgestörten sofort besuchen!
- Herr Papst Benedikt, würde Jesus doch auch seine geile Freudin aus Mannheim ihr den Arsch bzw. das Öhrchen ficken, wenn ihre Fotze so eng wie ein Eimer geworden wäre? Ich glaube schon, oder?
- Selbstverständlich Herr Dr. Josef Mengele habe ich einen Kondom genuzt, aber trotzdem warum habe ich jetzt ein grosses Afterjucken und einen widerlichen Mannheimer Penispickel?
In German there are so many times, most Germans don't even know that they are existing. Example: The Plusquam Imparfait, also known as "Preservative Defekt" Clause:
- Wenn das geformte Latex Objekt kein Loch gehabt hätte gäbe es bestimmte Personen nicht. ("Some persons weren't alive if there were more efficient WMD's in the early ages of the Twentieth Century.")
Polnisch language is still worse.
- This NOT good German Grammar is
- German Grammar NOT Hitler's mum is
- Create German Grammar, Yoda did NOT
- NOT sentence this proper a is
- rammerG namreG fo elpmaxe doog a TON si sihT
- German Grammar from by raping a dog the key can NOT be found from
- German language
- Grammar Nazi
- Germ warfare
- The Awful German Language (Mark Twain)
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