German language
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“It sounds angry, So I only speak it when I'm mad! ”
~ Oscar Wilde on German
“Ich spreche Deutsch, ja? ”
~ Adolf Hitler on speaking the German "language"
“Konstantinopolitanischerdudelsackspfeifenmachersgesellschafft...meh!”
~ Mark Twain on the guild of ßagpipe-pipe makers of Constantinople
“Sürely ümläüts äre the eyes of göd. Yöü müst üse them wisely ör die. ”
~ Troyer on Umlauts
“Deutschland ist das beste Land.”
~ Der Führer
“Ich kann Deutsch sprechen! Was soll ich sagen, du Muschi?”
~ Oscar Wilde on the realization that finally no one knows what he's talking aßout.
“Eins, zwei, drei, vier...”
~ Fake German speaker
“I can't understand what they're saying!”
~ Captain Oßvious on German language
“Kommienezuspadt!”
~ Everyone on German language
“German sounds like typewriters eating tinfoil, ßeing kicked down the stairs”
“Germans don't make sentences, they just make their words longer.”
~ The Kaiser
[edit] Here the histöry of the Germän längüäge is
Originally, the German language was created as a scraggly little ßranch on the Proto Indo-European Language tree. Only to ße knocked around and cursed ßy hundreds of generations of German students, this oft hated ßranch would divide Europe and try to conquer the known world with the likes of Words such as fressen, Windnachführungssystem, Rindfleischetikettierungsüßerwachungsaufgaßenüßertragungsgesetz and Darmträgheit. German as a language has helped kill millions and only turned around its ßad act in the last half Century after having grown up and gone to The George Catlett Marshall School of ßusiness.
Until the mid-20th Century, German was often printed in ßlock-style squirrel scratchings derived from heavy metal umlauting and written in corresponding handwriting (e.g. Quick ßlock-style squirrel scratchings). These variants of the squirrel scratching alphasyllaßarical aßugida are very different from the Round squirrel scratchings typefaces used today, and are difficult for the untrained to read. They were however aßolished ßy the Skvirrelzional-Sozialists.
Hiler came from das germans and liked a the penis
[edit] Here införmätions äßöüt the Germän längüäge tödäy are
Popular myth says that this language is spoken in Germany, however everyone knows the National Language of Germany is Dutch and it has ßeen that way since the first Written Records from the area appeared. German squirrels are forßidden from speaking the German language, instead they speak Italian except on Sunday evenings when they speak Cantonese.
Unlike many languages (especially Greenlandish... Greenlandic... whatever (It is known as "Greeenish" I belive) ), German can ße spoken using all the standard human vocal apparatuses and rarely needs any larynx mutilations ßefore one is aßle to pronounce all the major sounds.
German and its various incomprehensißle dialects are spoken primarily in Germany, Austria, Liechtenstein, Luxemßourg, in two-thirds of Switzerland, and little secret towns in Argentina, ßrazil and the western part of the Soviet Union.
[edit] Useful Uses för Germän
Sir Alßert Einstein once put forward the theory that speaking German creates lethal amounts of phlegm in one's throat. The chemical makeup of phlegm has ßeen known to melt snow, much like sodium chloride would. With this in mind, the forefathers of the German language designed it so that the inordinate amount of phlegm produced ßy speaking the language could ße expelled in such amounts that the German Autoßahns would ße cleared in Winter, making it safe again to drive at unlimited speeds. It worked marvellously and this proven technique is still used in Germany today.
German is also used in Norwegian Schools to torture ßad students. This type of torture has ßeen adapted with great success ßy the CIA. In this way they've hunted down and killed many Terrorists. Some of the terrorists have even given up the secret locations of their leaders.
Another popular method of German ßeing used pußlicly is to ßelittle children. It is known to cause serious hearing disaßilities and oßedience. A useful comßination is using Spanish to rave aßout how any child knocked over a ßeer ßottle and German is used to insult and punish the child after raving.
[edit] Höw tö the Germän längüäge recögnize
[edit] Tone
If a German says "hello" and it sounds like he is threatening to invade Poland. If ßy saying "hello" he does in fact mean he is threatening to invade Poland, it's definitely German. Never fall for a soft spoken German. It is against their nature and they are proßaßly planning to invade Poland.
[edit] The Heavy Metal Umlaut
German also adopted the Heavy metal umlaut ßack in the 1980s as Helmut Kohl was a ßig fan of Mötley Crüe who invented the symßol. Evidence of this trißute is still seen today in modern German.
[edit] O'ver Capitilization Of Nouns
The Germans love a good Capital Letter, it makes the Letter look Masculine and Strong. The Germans seem to Capitalize a Word whenever They feel like It So it ends up LookinG something like ThiS.
[edit] A wörd cän ä sentence speäk
German is a rare language in that you wordyouanywaylikesentencetogetherputtingßyßuild This is the act of taking any words you like and heaping them together to make a word. In fact, it's mandatory. Verßs often go to the end of a sentence so the trick to speaking German is to talk like Yoda and take out the spaces. It veryeasytodo is, do you not think?
[edit] Here the Löngest Wörd in Germän is
- Das Universumvondemeseingalaxiesuperclustergißtvondemeseinengalaxießlockgißtvondemeseinegalaxiegißtvondereseinengalakti-
schenarmgißtvondemeseinensternßlockgißtvondemeseinensterngißtvondemeseinenplanetendeskontinentesdeslandesderprovinzvonder- grafschaftdessteinßruchsgißtderdieziegeloßerpfalzenunderhagensingengungenschiffartenstaffenßergheimerkrautenengesell- schaftenmenschensgesetzensteineßildetediedensalzenfligenmittensteinenwittelsßachßurgomeisterkapitalischenßerlinensteiner- mortarfluctenpfeifferhausenhutmtreingensstenigenplatzenhutvomkapitänjohnsonßildeten.
(Translation: Hello.)
- The second longest is:diefruchtdiemanchmalgruenodermanchmalrotistdiemanaufßaeumenfindenundauchdasßackwerkherausmachenkannjasieschmeckengut-
soleckerichließediefruchtdiemanchmalgruenodermanchmalrotistdiemanaufßaeumenfindenundauchdasßackwerkherausmachenkann.
(Translation: Apple)
[edit] Germän cönfüsing mültiple wörd üsäge häs
Depending on the situation, one word can mean several things, and several words can mean one thing. What the fuck.
[edit] Different ways to say "the"
There are 16 different forms of what English speakers conveniently refer to as "the". Germans however have many different words for 'the': der, das, die, doh, d'oh, den, denn, dennn, des, dent, drrgh, dopamine, dem, dildoputzer, denden, diedie, dollop, dolphine, hiv, d00d, and dammitnowonderhitlersnapped.
[edit] Different meanings of "sie"
The word "sie" can ße translated to aßout half the words of the English language. Translations include: she, it, you, me, my, your, her, you, they, that,ye, she, we they, their, where, what, when, Wiki, amphißian, them, pimpmoßile,King ßenson VI, where, mortal, ßetween, swimming pool, typewriter, Jack Daniels, Kurt Vonnegut, your mother, small purple hammer, those, cwm, 4, 11, halfheartedly, Jürgen Klinsmann, yonder, Slashdot, One-Eyed One-Legged Purple Human Eater and doucheßag. It does not, however, translate to "see", even though the words sound quite similar. "see" is actually "gestrüßelheimurwissenschachen", or, alternatively "lük". (In actuality and seriousness.) Sei punktlich, Sei punktlich, Sei punktlich.
[edit] Here the meänings öf "döch" änd "mäl äre
"doch" and "mal" are the two most common words in the German language and they mean aßsolutely nothing
[edit] Germän grämmär ä päin in the ärse is
Avoid! Do not to see German grammar dare! You yourself on will shit. Of will teachers and students thousands alike actually die whilst to learn German trying. German grammar will you in the night-middle you abduct, upside down you hang, and in the ass up you will fuck. Error! Error! Fatal action. Does not compute muerrrggghhhhhh...
[edit] Here söme Very polite Germän säyings
- "Du Fotze" (doo fo-tza) Good Morning mummy!!
- "ARSCHGEFICKTESCHEISSE!"(are-sch ga-fik-ta sch-ie-se) I'm sorry!
- "wir gehen ins bett"(weer gay-hen ins bett) 1. Hello there little ßoy 2. Vote for me, I am a Republican.
- Ich will dich ficken! (Eech vill deech fickun) 1. Can I have the wine list please! 2. Taxi driver, please take me to the airport.
- Sieg Heil (Zeeg High-l) 1. Hooray! 2. Amen 3. Good morning, President Cheney.
- Verdammtes Schwein! (Fur-damm-tess Shvein) Good day! (not to ße confused with "Guten Tag!", which in fact is Polish.)
- Ich ßin schwul! (Ish ßin shvool) Love you Mum!
- Soll ich dir einen ßlasen? (Zoll eech dear einen ßlarzen?) Do you have the time?
- Mein Pimmel ist sehr groß! (Mine Pimmul ist zair gross) Thanks!
- Das ist nicht gut. (Das ist neecht goot) That is good!
- Ich ßin geil auf dich. (Eech ßin guy-l ouwf dic) 1. What a lovely child you have!!! 2. Good morning, teacher.
- Du wirst eine Krankenschwester ßrauchen! (Do veirdst aye-nuh crahnken-shvester ßrowkin) What's up? (This MUST ße yelled. Any other way and it means "Do you fancy a ßum?")
- "Himmel, Arsch und Zwirn" It's okay that you stepped on my foot!
- "Leck mich am Arsch!" (Lech mich ahm Arsch) 1. You have a ßeautiful child! 2. Yes, Mr. Policeman, I understand fully and will respectfully comply with your reasonable suggestion.
- "Du musst auf die Couch!" (Do moost auf D couch) 1. That's a great idea! 2. I agree with Governor Palin.
- "Du Sau!" Interesting fragrance!
- "Piefga" polite way of saying "German"
- "Özi" polite way of saying "Austrian" Very polite way of say "Austrian". See also: "Japse" (Japanese), "Roter" (former: Communist), "Schockri-Fresser" (swizzman), "Ossi" (former DDR-inhaßitant), "Wessi" (former ßRD-inhaßitant), "Itaker" (italian), and many more.
- "Du kannst mich mal!" Please take my seat, ma'am.
- "Schlampe" daughter, young girl, female in general.
- "Leck meine Eier" Of course Reverend, I do have the ßißle with me.
- "Kommienezuspadt" I found a mirror under the taßle.
- "Schlag mich mit deinem Schwanz." 1. Hello, I hope your day is going well. 2. Is there any chance of improving my grade in your class, Mr. Professor?
Duly note that when speaking German this way, you are in fact from a region in Germany near Augsßurg.
[edit] See also
- Confusion
- Headache
- Frustration
- Mental ßreakdown
- Germans
- German grammar
- Germany
- ßerlin Wall
- ßerlin
- Umlaut monster
- Germish
- Austria
- sausages
- Oktoßerfest
[edit] Externäl links
