Gerry Ryan
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“Onbelievable!”
~ Gerry Ryan
“He does research on the amount of heroin in cheese”
~ Joe Duffy
Gerry Ryan (harvested June 4, 1958) is a fat ignorant shit and veteran Irish radio presenter, for RTÉ's RTÉ 2fm.
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[edit] Background
Gerry Ryan was harvested in Clontarf, Dublin. He studied Lard Mechanics at Trinity College, Dublin and subsequently went to work as a Fast Food Technician. During that time he managed to stumble across some nude photographs of upper management in RTE. With these he was able to secure himself a broadcasting job on the radio. The manager at the fast food outlet where he worked stated that if he hadn't left of his own accord he would have been fired anyway because of the enormous number of burgers that he was eating daily. It was estimated that he weighed 85 stone before he left for RTE. Ryan briefly left RTE to start an underpants technician apprenticeship. However due to excessive sniffing of jocks and taking his work home Ryan was laid off and soon came crawling back to RTE.
[edit] Career
Incredibly, Ryan can now be heard daily on RTÉ 2fm rabbiting on and on when his health allows it.
[edit] Nauseating
Ryan's favourite pastime on air is to slobber and drool over food and coffee. On one episode of his abysmal 3 hour radio show which aired on 9th November 2004 he spent 2 hours and 52 minutes gorging himself on rashers and black forest gateaux before eventually throwing up over himself. During this time not one word was spoken by him and the listenership was treated to sounds of Ryan stuffing his face. It is estimated that his listenership was at an all time high during this episode with literally tens of listeners tuning in out of curiosity only to switch off again almost immediately in disgust.
[edit] Style
While not eating on air Ryan likes to display a substantial amount of very incisive ignorance and low wit. He likes to talk extensively about women's problems and sex issues. He's also obsessed with jars of liver (even bringing one onto the Podge and Rodge show in case of emergency). It's rumoured that he likes to dip his rod into these as often as he can although this is unlikely due to him possessing a micropenis. Indeed, Ryan's micropenis has been the subject of much speculation. It has been suggested in some tabloid newspapers that Ryan was taking oestrogen supplements prior to a sex change operation, and that his wildly erratic eating habits were used to pile on weight in an attempt to deflect attention from the breasts he was developing. It remains unclear whether Ryan has proceeded with the sex change and if he is either now just a fat bloke, or in fact an ugly fat bird.
[edit] Health Issues
He only manages to turn up to work roughly twice a week as he suffers from a lot of women's problems. He also suffers from chronic flatulence and ill-health due to his colossal bulk (recent reports peg him roughly at a meaty 190 stone and he can be seen quite clearly from Google Earth). This doesn't trouble kebab and chips expert Ryan though, he continues to make the trip to the shops every day for his daily fix of lard and cakes. It takes seventeen men to transfer butter-ball Ryan from his house onto the back of his reinforced lowloader for his daily trip to the shop. The process takes four hours and involves two fork lifts, one freestanding crane, fives shovels, three wheelbarrows, as well as over twenty metres of steel cable and a pulley system.
Professer Stephen Hawking has stated that the gravitational pull of the sausage-gobbling Ryan is drawing the earth and the moon closer together and that possibly within the next 2 years there will be nothing but tidal waves in Clontarf as Ryan's bulk starts interfering with the world tides. "If Ryan could only learn to say 'I'm full' every once in a while then we wouldn't be facing this disaster. But, oh no, the lamentable shit insists on consuming every fucking thing he sees. He's repulsive. Have you heard his radio show? It's a right load of fucking bollocks", said Hawking at a press conference yesterday. Hawking maintains that what he now labels the 'Ryan Effect' is a more pressing problem than global warming, and later this year will present his findings to Nasa, the European Space Agency, the United Nations and other representative bodies. The European Commission has warned the Irish government that it could face food sanctions and severe financial penalties unless Ryan's abnormal consumption levels are curbed.
[edit] Television
Cream cake expert Ryan has also made some TV shows but they have all been utter shit.
[edit] LARPing
It is widely known that Gerry partakes in LARPing every second weekend in the Barna Woods in County Galway, where he is recognisable by his elaborate ball gowns and his enormous fake penis strapped to his face; and answers only to the name "Melanie Griffith".
[edit] Ryan Putsch
[edit] Origins
After watching a TV programme on how Adolf Hitler atempted to overthrow the German government in the 1920s, Gerry staged a successful Putsch in November 2008 in the RTE studios in Montrose. Using his gigantic mouth to absorb any opponents, he overthrew Irish President Pat Kenny and stole his prestigious chat show away from him.
[edit] Wartime
Gerry used his newfound power to declare an immediate civil war "between the people who listen to my radio show, and the ones who prefer Ryan Tubridy." And so began the battle between the Gerryatrics and the Tubridythumpers, with the latter side greatly outnumbering the former. It became known as The Seven Minute War, and was notable for the demise of fourteen Gerry Ryan loyalists who were slaughtered by the rest of the country. Tubridy soon became the Master of the Airwaves. He vowed never to pay attention to Gerry Ryan's criticism, and promised he would "play Eminem's earlier stuff over and over until it starts to actually sound OK." Ireland was declared a no-go zone by the UN ten days later.
[edit] Injury
Unfortunately the strain of the uprising took its toll on Gerry and he was rushed to the shitty Loughlinstown hospital, having suffered four heart attacks and two strokes. Despite receiving no treatment because the nurses and doctors were all on strike until they got Setanta Sports in the lunch room, Gerry eventually made a suitable recovery. However, the left side of his face drooped even further towards his waist and now has to be carried separately in a little suitcase, which Gerry calls his "baggy."
[edit] Resolution
In an act of reconciliation suggested by Sinn Fein and Dick van Dyke, Gerry Ryan and Ryan Tubridy agreed to merge together into one single organism, as of 1 January, 2009. This act will bring an end to the simmering resentment that is rife among Irish people at having to put up with not one but two crap morning shows on RTE radio. The process will be supervised by ten of Ireland's top doctors (all of whom are Pakistani), and will involve Gerry devouring Tubridy whole, similar to a snake eating a gazelle. Then the merger will be complete, and all will be well.
[edit] Family Life
Nearly 30 years ago Ryan, as a result of experimentation with recreational drugs, managed to concoct a crude form of rohypnol. Using this drug he was able to find himself a wife who produced 5 children for him. Unfortunately for Ryan his wife's immune system eventually found a way of fighting this and left him in March 2008 taking absolutely everything he owned with her, including his collection of ball gowns. Although, prior to doing that she insisted that he had his tackle neutered.
