The Gilded Monk is a British Columbian mythological deity, worshiped mostly by crazy people, crackheads, and the morons who are addicted to Kitten Huffing. He is believed to dwell in forests and eats tree bark.
The Gilded Monk has rarely ever been seen, and the small group of people who have seen him are almost always high on something. This picture (the one up there...) is one of the very few photographs that have been taken of him.
Conflicts in Other Religions
Gilded Monk was one of the Greek gods a long time ago. Supposedly,he was Hercules' rival. Unfortunately for the Gilded Monk, Hercules kicked his demigod butt into the river Styx. But Hercules' mean-ness didn't go unpunished, because pretty soon Zeus found out about this, and gave Hercules 12 tasks to do.
Native American Spirituality
The Gilded Monk, after being robbed of his Greek god-powers, applied to become a Native forest-spirit. Apparently he bore such a close resemblance to the Sasquatch, that the Natives decided to hire him to fill in for sasqautch on sick days.Then, one day when sasquatch was sick, the Gilded Monk didn't show up for work. He was then subsequently fired.
The Gilded Monk has had numerous relationships with other gods, most notably his relationship with a female sasquatch, Ekeecheeckeeweekeeloma-poooo. Their relationship had gone on for approximately ten months, when the Gilded Monk discovered that Ekeecheeckeeweekeeloma-poooo was married. Previous love interests include the Greek goddess Aphrodite, and the Naiads Krinaiai
and Pegaiai. The Gilded Monk is currently dating Helen Phlipsydoodle, the lead accordionist from the polka band Phlipshydoodle and the Muppets
The Gilded Monk is currently residing in the vast, mystical forests of Vancouver, B.C. He is not in any new religion, he is just an independent deity, which probably explains the amazingly low amount of followers (other than the fact that he is a hairy beast).
Gilded Monk is the only British Columbian mythological creature not being exploited by Gordon Campbell for the 2010 Olympics. Campbell, in a recent interview, stated
“These independent gods and creatures are very hard to exploit due to the fact that they do not belong to a certain organized religion. Since no higher-ranking gods can be bribed, it is very hard to convince them to do what I want.”
Frustrated and angry, Campbell got drunk at a friend's party, then drove to the forest where Gilded Monk was living at the time. He then tried to strangle the Gilded Monk with his shoelace. Campbell was quickly subdued, sedated, then arrested. He was then released the next day, on the conditions that he apologize.