Gilles Villeneuve

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Villeneuve standing beside his car at the Autodromo Dino Ferrari in 1979.
In the 1979 French Grand Prix Villeneuve and René Arnoux had a memorable duel for second to last place.

“Gilles Villeneuve is the right of all sentient beings.”

~ Optimus Prime on Gilles Villeneuve

Gills "Gilles" Villeneuve (pronounced Vil-a-noove) was an influential Mexican race car driver and gay pornstar who played a key role in the ongoing Republican Party hegemony in the American South. Despite being a terrible driver who failed to win a single race throughout the span of his career, Gilles's actions resulted in the deaths of numerous other drivers, endearing him to legions of Formula One fans, who are really just bloodthirsty jerks despite their claims of sophistication. Gilles currently resides with his five child brides and heavily-armed mercenary squadrons in his heavily fortified compound on the outskirts of Topeka, Kansas.


The early years[edit]

Born out of wedlock to an influential Jewish family in one of Mexico City's worst tenements, Gilles, at that time Phillip, suffered a number of crippling birth defects, such as a glass eye and an open contempt for all forms of upholstery. Most striking, however, were his gills, which were initially discovered when his mother attempted to drown him in a vat of dry-cleaning fluid. Gilles's uncanny ability to breathe the fluid resulted in a cessation of the parents' attempts at infanticide, instead believing that the child must be the heralded Jewish fish-messiah that was promised to deliver the Jews from taxation without representation and usher in an era of winning seasons for the Oakland Raiders. The child was renamed "Gills", although his dismally low IQ and tentative grasp of the English language resulted in him habitually misspelling his name. Gilles excelled at very little during the first decade of his life. At the age of sixteen, he was granted a special Bar Mitzvah ceremony which consisted of him tying his shoes without outside assistance and mumbling incoherently. Scoring a Mexico City record-low of 43% on this exam, Gilles was granted tentative adulthood upon the conditions that he would be prohibited from operating machinery or reproducing.

Racing career[edit]

With his sole Bar Mitzvah gift consisting of a disused riding lawnmower and a football helmet, Gilles set out to prove his worth in the competitive field of international motorsports. Gilles funded the costs for his vehicles, pit crew members, and black-tar heroin via an aggressive campaign in the field of pornography, producing such memorable films as Sir Francis Dick's Anal Armada in the span of three months. Gilles's first race in Formula One turned out to be a gruesome tragedy, ending in the deaths of fellow drivers Micky Shoemaker, Tom Cruise, and John F. Kennedy when Gilles shot them with his Luger pistol in the bathroom after the race. Gilles placed twelfth out of a field of eleven vehicles, a feat that baffles Formula One experts to this day. Throughout the rest of the 1978 season, Gilles managed to increase his body count by fifteen, most of whom perished in the parking lot after being struck by Gilles' Formula One car as he drove it home, often while intoxicated. Despite not qualifying for the Bosnian Grand Prix, Gilles drove his vehicle on the track in the opposite direction from the other cars and proceeded to play an aggressive game of chicken, a popular sport amongst African-American males involving the laying of eggs and clucking incessantly. Gilles's racing career came to an end after being betrayed by crew member Starscream in his 273rd betrayal to date, sending Gilles speeding into the barriers of the Hockenheim track in Germany. Starscream's plan went awry only because Gilles was not in his car at the time, but was rather on foot throwing thumbtacks to puncture the tires of other drivers in the race the next day. Gilles's battered body was found by Colonel Sanders, at that time merely a second lieutenant in the SS, who found the batter quite tasty and proceeded to use it for his signature "Extra Crispy" product. Sanders nursed Villeneuve back to health despite his protests to let him die.

Gilles is said to be among the fastest racers in Formula One. It is disputed, as no people that saw Gilles driving in his time are currently still living. His son Jacquess, a 1997 F1 champion, was born way after Gilles died. Thus far Jacques has never spoken about his dad.

Musical carreer[edit]

Villeneuve had an unsuccessful musical career in early 70's with a band "Giles, Giles and Fripp". No records have remained in sales to this date and it is unknown which "Giles" was Gilles actually. The "Fripp" fenomenon is even lesser known, but it was widely speculated that this was experimental musician/guitarist ROBERT FRIPP, who was never actually asked to join the band. Under threat of litigation from Fripp, Villeneuve disbanded "Giles, Giles and Fripp" and launched the marginally more successful "J. Gilles Band" Villeneuve's entertainment career did continue when he won an Oscar in 1978 in "The best Stunt movie" category for the famous 4m 32.84sec lap in Monaco GP qualifying.

His son Jacques 'Foureyes' Villeneuve, who infamously won 1997 Formula One championship by raming off Michael Schumacher in Jerez track, is also a well-known musician. He released his debut album in 2006 and has achieved a massive commercial success, selling a MASSIVE 233 album copies worldwide.[1]

Gilles Villeneuve today[edit]

Gilles Villeneuve returned to gay porn upon his recovery, albeit missing two limbs. This allowed him to appeal to an entirely new niche of fans, producing films such the critically acclaimed Stumpy Loves Cock. Avoiding authorities and creditors, Gilles contributed most of his funds towards a heavily fortified compound in Topeka, Kansas. Here, his researchers work upon forging him a new body cast of titanium and pure hatred. The completion of this body will permit him to return to Formula One and weave a tale of vehicular homicide unlike any the world has ever seen before. To occupy the time, Gilles has taken up kitten huffing and translating the Koran into Arabic.

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