Glasgow
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 A picture of Glasgow city centre in 2006
| |
| Motto: "This girls been glassed, and nobody's going anywhere till we find what c**t did it" | |
| State | Scotland |
| Official nickname | Scafftown |
| Official languages | Frankie Boyle,Swearing, Violence, Swedish, Gaelic, Pakistani, Polish |
| Mayor | Alex Salmond |
| Established | 1922 by Mel Gibson |
| Currency | Buckfast, Class A Drugs,'square goes' |
| Opening hours | None (signed on) |
| Civic anthem | Get Tae Buggery |
“Come for the football, stay for the stabbings”
- ~ Oscar Wilde on Glasgow
Glasgow is an extremely polluted port by the river Clyde, (also known as: Scafftown, Hell, Dry Ejaculation, the toilet of Scotland or Yobzone). The fort is located on the west coast of Scotland, famous for its pleasant weather.
The inhabitants consist of either obese people, immigrant Street kids or a wonderful species called Neds; there have also been dramatic changes in the population of the city with an ever increasing amount of gypos from Romania making a 'new life' here, usually begging or selling the Big Issue.
Overall the city has an abysmal track record in both violent crime and obesity. This is why there are so many American Tourists here, they fit right at home; they also seem to have a tendency to like the terrible music we produce, initially we made music to scare the English off, now the Americans along with the English can't seem to stay away.
Glasgow was voted Europes Capital of Culture, being every bit as depressing and grey as a Dostoyevsky novel and suffering from even more dreadful levels of Fascism and poverty than any Russian Hellhole. Glasgow also shares a pact with Germany that all new architecture must have a great deal of 'Industrial Art' to make it look modern and innovative; sadly it only adds to the bleakness. The city also prides itself as being the hardest in Europe, although the judges have been too scared to take this verdict to Newcastle.
The city also experiences some of the best weather in Britain; the leaden sky is not in fact due to clouds, but black smoke emitted by Mount Doom; such foul craft Sauron uses as the locals(Neds) have no love of sunlight. High precipitation and acid rain is a result of the high amount of toxins the locals emit and ingest, not only in gas but in raw toxic chemical compounds like Irn Bru. It may take a while for a visitor to adjust to the better conditions that they will experience in Glasgow.
The City is currently at war with Edinburgh, they however have perfected the Uruk Hai who have no fear of sunlight and are stronger and more powerful that the traditional Dark Powers in the mighty city of Glasgow. Sauron now fears the Edinburghers may find the 'New Irn Bru' the final insult to human health and cover the entire world in orangey shadow.
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[edit] History
While Glasgow is not the only Scottish city to be built upon a - now lost - Ancient Pagan Pain Ziggurat of Death it is, perhaps, entirely typical of the place that it has one, known to archaeologists as the Doomster Mound. Theoreticians at Glasgow Caledonian University’s Modern Polish Dance Society have speculated that a very precise, ancient and kinky kick-kick-strut-strut dance routine (if performed naked on the sleet-soaked streets of Govan at Hogmanay) could create a sufficiently Anti-Polish gross out effect as to affect some kind of inter-dimensional topographical reversal thin gummy. It had been hoped that this would have enabled Glasgow’s fall and the re-emergence of the Doomster Pagan Pain Ziggurat of Death, but all humanitarian reports coming from the city of late suggest that time has run out.
The city's history was established by St Mungo, formerly known as St Kuntengroin, using a bird, tree, fish and a bell. Each of these objects represents a different facet of the city (Glasgow is tetrahedral). The bird represents a bird, the tree a tree, the fish a bell and the bell a fish. The definitive history was first committed to paper in 975 and then again in 1172, the latter commenting that "Glasgow bees a bonnie and joyful plaice". From about 1300 onwards the city seemed to take on a more sober air, having gotten pished around 0900 from a 'coupla tinnies 'at were jes' sittin' tha fridge'.
The city was founded in 1452, the same year as its university. A pivotal moment in the city's history occurred shortly afterwards and lasted for a further few years before something else happened which was very important too. Important things continued to happen in the following decades until the war of inconsequence caused trivialities to occur. St Mungo was forced to come back to life to fill in endless forms and most of the population of Glasgow had to flee. In contrast to Edinburgh, which fled completely, forming a mobile city, each Glaswegian family moved next door, so only families in houses at the end of streets had to leave the city. St Mungo died in 1671, then again in 1681 and finally snuffed it in 1981, shortly after Bladerunner was released. Historians of Glasgow are well-renowned and respected the world over, for being some of the laziest in existence.
Glasgow’s Industrial past and wide industrial heritage can be seen throughout the city from the late 1800s to the mid twentieth century Glasgow was a city dedicated towards building armies and holding the entire population of Scotland and a chunk of the multitude starving Irish into the Glasgow fortress. Production of a vast trade fleet for England and the breeding of orcs kept in barbaric compounds called "Tenements" alludes to the needs of England to provide itself with some "Scottish Muscle" and "Weegie Cunning" to shape the British/English Empire
Today little has changed except a few more thousand housing schemes and excessive license granting and lots of call centers opening up to stimulate the economy. Many of the locals however lack the guidance of an Imperial Empire either in an opposing or serving capacity and have become grotesquely fat, short and ugly. Many English comment upon being abused by these Weedgies that, "It was your parents who chose to have you so don't blame me about it". Housing schemes and high unemployment have turned the proud city of industry into the proud city of signing on.
[edit] Politics
Recently the SNP came to power promising greater spending and product placement to encourage London scallys with 'loads of money' to come up and enjoy the bitter fruit that is Glasgow. Other reforms include 'F**k Westminster' and 'Keep those Schemies away from the rich!'.
The SNP manifesto, consisting of a single page of abuse about the English, a declaration of independence from England, and a stomach turning nude photo of Nicola Sturgeon; as and when these policies have been fulfilled, Glasgow has vowed to wave the banners of 'Save us Norway' more than in any part of Scotland.
[edit] Culture
“The smoking ban's really taken off in Scotland, hasn't it? Every pub, no matter how shit, now has a table and chairs out the front. Glasgow looks like Paris, after a nuclear war!”
~ Frankie Boyle on Glasgow
Glasgow is Europe's first Postmodern city; In the year 1877 it was announced by the then leader of the Church of England Friedrich Nietzsche that the industrial revolution had turned the city into a regurgitating mess of foul air, fowl food and foul housing with no hope on the horizon and a steady industrial throb leading nowhere.
| The city is the most chthonic place Pa created, even that Satan fella wants to reign here but Pa says that he wants to be Almighty in evil too. | ||
| —Jesus on Glasgow Culture and Style | ||
The city also boasts fine actors for export, such as Leonidas and Oscar Wilde. Wilde once said after writing The Ballad of Reading Goad that prison was better than his short stint in Glasgow; he even when as far to say death could be better than Glasgow, and later proved it.
The city is also the most evil place ever conceived. Here people don't walk, they prowl; it is filled with orcs and other servants of evil giving the city's uniquely malevolent cultural flavor, and tourism amongst Europeans from the Ex-Evil Empire Nations has flourished as a result.
[edit] Glasgow's Areas
Glasgow also boasts a diverse culture, meaning evryone can be themselves without question. But you can only be who you want if you live in the right area.
If you would like to be a ned, try moving to Greenock, Gourock or even Port Glasgow, or one of our famous housing schemes, Drumchapel, Easterhouse, Castlemilk or Pollokshaws. If you're looking for a posh repuation, send you kids to Kelvinside Academy or a private school with a blazer and move to the west end or bearsden and milngavie.
[edit] Sport
A famous past-time employed by Glaswegians is beating each other senseless, as a rule defined in two groups between Catholic and Protestant, most often after fitbaw games or if a member of an opposed tribe is wearing his/her supporting colors of a team. The two teams officially considered are Celtic and Rangers. (Note: other constituent groups and minorities of Glasgow are not officially recognized by the city census, including Partick Thistle or St Mirren supporters). This often results in death, or, if both opponents are less pished, an honorable duel fought with broken buckfast bottles.
[edit] Commonwealth Games
It was announced in November 2007 that Glasgow will host the Commonwealth Games of 2014. Glasgow's Lord Provost has declared that Glaswegians are preparing to give the varied peoples of the Commonwealth their usual welcome - a mouthful of racist abuse and an Irn Bru bottle over the head. Many athletes are currently learning self-defence up to extreme levels, and obtaining licenses to carry handguns.
[edit] Current Military Status
Glasgow currently is in a state of Peace, a small independent principality within Scotland, although the English recruit some of the nutters and send them to Iraq to fight for Queen and Country. It's important to realize that the next generation of Neds will renew the local unrest, the previous generation are now solely dependent on the NHS to keep them alive after a lifetime of serving the Dark Lord.
It has been announced that whilst Gordon Brown has moved English and mutant forces into the "Overlook" position at their bases as he has sent the Wedgies to "set aboot" the Foreigners to continue the war of terror.
[edit] The "Glasgow Kiss"
Main Article: Glasgow Kiss
Often a visitor to Glasgow may encounter this sign of affection from Weegies, it involves gently pecking one on the cheek, similar to the way the French greet each other, the next phase of this affectionate greeting is the smashing of your forehead with the Glaswegians skull, many report the greeting as "Bracing" or "Confusing and hurtful". The origins of this unique greeting are no doubt descended from the Scottish legal system where the Jock defendant could claim a re-trial if he could A. Break past the Guards and B. knock the Judge out with a single “Kiss”.
[edit] Sean Bean on his travels in Glasgow
| Following a rather dry spell following my huge success in Sharpe, I found myself offered a part in a play. The part was that of a homeless beggar, and being a proper thespian type, I decided to do some research into my new role. On speaking with Richard Madely (MP for Inverness) he suggested I go to Glasgow a provincial town in the poor part of Scotland, he assured me there was nowhere more full of the homeless. After much adventure I took a Virgin train to a rather snooty village in the South of Scotland called Edinburgh, they warned my of the perils awaiting me in Glasgow - unfazed by this (I was Sharpe after all) I readied my sword and took a 1st class train West to the dark, wet town I had heard so much about! On arriving in Glasgow the first thing that struck me was the stench of filth, and almost straight after leaving my train I was accosted by a young spotty, malnourished chap clad head to toe in white early 90's sportswear (this it would soon dawn on me is some sort of Glasgow uniform they almost all wear). After giving him money for something called a Buckie he directed me to a sartorial emporium known as JJB where I found Kappa and other such garments with which to blend in. I spent the rest of my stay in Glasgow in a cardboard box on Buchanan St. Here, there were very many people to talk with, but few had the finances to give me any money (I was in character, begging you see). I was told by one chap that people in Glasgow were largely exempt from work and something called disability benefit kept them in Adidas, Special Brew, trance Cd's and season tickets to the Old Firm. "How truly mad!", I said. Glasgow must be the best place ever! The fellow then went on to explain how it was indeed the best place ever - they had done away with the need for education, soap, upmarket newspapers and any other food other than chips and class A drugs. What a truly utopian society I thought. Apart from the brutal stabbing I received the following Saturday, my stay in Glasgow was immensely satisfying and provided me with all the theatrical skills I needed to accomplish my role as a tramp in the South Wessex community theatre's production of 'The Big Issue' with aplomb! All this I owe to Glasgow, the Times even gave my feature a merited 2/5 and said I looked very homeless indeed. | ||
| —-Extract from Is there life After Sharpe? by Sean Bean (Academy Award Winner, Black Beauty) | ||
[edit] Trivia
- The City Chambers were designed by noted serial killer Fred West.
- Abraham Lincoln stopped off for a piss in Glasgow whilst he was visiting Europe on a stag party. His piss is still there.
- Glasgow has more penises per head of population than anywhere else in the UK
- It never stops raining in Glasgow. Ever.... except when glasgow is being bombed... really!
- Berti Vogts was born here (well, Milngavie really)
- The poet Robert Burns spent 5 weeks here playing bass in a shite indie band.
- Anyone seen without a knife in each hand will be shot, anyone seen shooting a guy without said knives will be severely raped
- The River Clyde is really just ministrone soup. There are many bodies floating in the river. Not dead, but trying to get a free meal.
- Recently a pipe has burst in Glasgow raising the number of showers in the city to three
- One time, Elvis came to preswick airport. The shrine remains there to this day and some say that when you're in the main bit, you know, where you put your bags and suitcases, near the wee shoap, you can see elvis playing with himself just like in the old times.
- Central station isn't, in fact, in the centre of Glasgow; it's actually 2 meters west of the centre. Needless to say, Glaswegians everywhere are getting ready to march on Edinburgh, cos it apparently invented Central Station in it's infinite wisdom. However Edinburgers are full of pish, as ever- cos they also claim to have invented jesus, and the colour maroon.
- The band Urusei Yatsura are the only band to have come from this city whose name can always be correctly pronounced regardless of one's state of inebriation.
[edit] See also
- Scotland
- Glaswegia
- Deep-fried Mars Bar
- SNP
- Glasgow Kiss
- Rough Pubs
- Neds
- Scottish Sports
- Allahakbarries
