Glenn Danzig

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Glenn Danzig[edit]

Glenn SolomonGrundy Sinestro Thanos Cher Danzig is an American Bullfighter, Civil rights activist, Midget, and frotteur, and is believed to be the inventor of "horrorpunk", "skull fucking", and black leather pants. He is also the only man alive able to evenly match Chuck Norris

Early History[edit]

Believed to have been spawned sometime around 1480, records of his existence only begin to appear about 30 years later, in 1512, when he is believed to have been responsible for the slaughter of the families, friends, associates and pets of Turks involved in the beheading of Vlad Ţepeş III, better known as Vlad The Impaler. Because the ballad of their deaths has never been officially released, lesser beings have been left to speculate about the justification for their deaths. Some believe Danzig to be the offspring of Vlad, others believe him to be the re-incarnation of Vlad himself. Others speculate that Danzig is just a big jerk and wanted to kill a bunch of people.

He is again reported to have appeared in the American south during the Civil War. Troops from both sides reported similar stories of terror. Corporal Chester Harbut, fighting for the North, recorded this entry in his journal, dated Nov 19, 1864:

...he appeared there, in the mist, next to a great oak, charred to a blackened faggot by the days battle,
coated in the blood of our fallen brothers. In each hand he carried the limb of a soldier - one of ours,
and one of theirs. I coughed, as I had been taken by whooping cough the week before, and by the time
I looked back up, he had covered nearly 60 yards on foot, killing every man between him and me. As I sat
weeping in my own urine, he passed me by, never looking my way.

The 20th Century[edit]

His first appearance in the 20th century was in the early 1990s when he began training Jerry Poteet in Jeet Kune Do, the martial art created by Bruce Lee. How Danzig knew Jeet Kune Do remains a mystery.

An avid fan of comic books, toys, occult fiction, skull-fucking, and black leather pants, Danzig was obviously an outsider to mainstream culture, making him an icon for punk and metal kids.

Danzig 4 Ever?[edit]

Danzig's appearance throughout history has led scholars to speculate that "Glenn Danzig" may not be one person, but rather a title that is passed down from generation to generation - not unlike "Dread Pirate Roberts", "Batman", "Michael Jackson", or " ... The Vampire Slayer".

Today's Glenn Danzig is believed to have created The Misfits, Samhain, Abba, and the band that takes his own name - Danzig.

While it remains unknown whether the Danzig we know today has always existed or is one in a long line of Danzigs, we do know that he is one huge, baby-eating, shirtless monster. May God have mercy on us all because Danzig certainly won't. We are not worthy of mercy from the Almighty of the Shirtless!

There is a way to call upon the Almighty of the Shirtless. It is a secret spell that witches have passed down to their children since the dark ages. You must never reveal my identity or they will hunt me down and exterminate me, just tell them you learned the spell from dumbblonde. This spell must be performed during a full moon on a green Tuesday of a blue month. First you must cleanse yourself and strip naked. Put on a pair of your mother's combat boots and cast a circle using cat turds and tears you've cried during a lunar eclipse while hopping on one foot. Within this circle you must carve, "Danzig-Almighty of the Shirtless" in a black candle with a black cat's tooth. Finally, to make Glenn appear you must walk the perimeter of the circle three times, while clicking your heals and saying, "There's no one like Danzig". If the Almighty of the Shirtless does not appear that means he doesn't like you because you're a puny mortal.