Global warming
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“Some say the world will end in fire / Some in ice”
~ Robert Frost on Global warming
“We can lower the temperature dramatically just by switching from Fahrenheit to Celsius.”
~ George Bush on Global warming
“I didn't invent Global Warming, Ooh! Piece of candy! ”
~ Al Gore on Global warming
“We have only ten years to save the planet!!!!!!”
~ Various record labels on Global warming, around 1985
Global warming is a fact (or a theory, or a theology) over which humankind has come to unanimous agreement with unprecedented speed. The Earth is warming, or else it's cooling, or else it's not doing either very fast. If left unchecked, this will lead to the destruction of civilization, probably, in a Biblical flood that will happen around 1995. Humans, prosperity, rich diets, breaking faith with Nature, and anything else you may feel guilty about, are the cause of the phenomenon, or else it's sunspots, and it might be totally random.
And all of the above is brought to you by one or more of the following:
- A cabal of Hollywood Communists and left-wing pot-heads.
- Barack Obama, who was not content taking over GM and now wants your backyard Hibachi.
- Candidates who failed because of prior con jobs like having invented the Internet and the Social-Security Lock Box.
- Flat-earth right-wingers who realize that the threat of an inspiring leftie crusade is the only way to raise money for Sarah Palin to shriek on a national stage in 2012.
- Corrupt, greedy businessmen who want a trumped-up reason to get you to buy new gadgets like light bulbs that spatter mercury all over the nursery when they break.
In short, humankind is at loggerheads over both the facts and the proper course of action, with no resolution in sight, as on every other issue of the day. So things are pretty normal on the planet. One thing everyone agrees on, though, we need millions of new scientists with no distractions from taking measurements and inventing theories, paid for by taxes, but only on the rich or on those the scientists say are the cause of the problem; plus new treaties under which unelected U.N. mandarins can veto any new business deal anywhere.
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[edit] Main cause
The main cause of global warming is the well-known poisonous[1] gas carbon dioxide (molecular formula: C666O2). There is more of it in the air than there used to be, we know that combustion, smokestacks, and buttholes emit it, and we know that flasks containing pure carbon dioxide get pretty fricking hot. Ergo, a human-caused apocalypse.
While nations such as the E.U., Britain, Mexico, and Papua New Guinea have raised gas taxes to reduce demand and emissions, the most ambitious effort has been undertaken by the USSR. It has vowed to bomb the shit out of countries with non-Soviet-owned pipelines, an ambitious plan praised by Speaker of the U.S. House Nancy Pelosi, who said, “The Russians are setting a good example with their use of carbon-neutral bombs...Now, where the hell is my Hummer?”
[edit] History
Scientists first observed global warming in 1895. Then in 1920 they said it was global cooling. Then in 1935 they said there was global warming, but then in 1975 they said it was the verge of a new Ice Age but then it became global warming again. But that is all old news. Let's stop talking about discredited work and move on to the real history:
File:Piratechart.jpg One summer day, scientists were studying the expansion of mercury in a thermometer due to an increase in temperature. As they watched the mercury rise, they realized: the Earth was getting hotter! Moreover, mathematically, if the trend continued unabated, spontaneous fires would start everywhere and entire cities, forests, and jungles would burn down. It was simple arithmetic. The scientists' eyes met and they knew they were all thinking the same thing: A soft life through endless government research grants. Lifetime sinecures not just for cousins of legislators!
This yearly crisis that previously went entirely unnoticed now sparked urgent questions like "How do we stop this?" asked by young men anxious to never again have to grade freshman Physics exams. Billions were spent on scientific research, despite the absence of a "control" planet without humans to which to compare industrialized Earth.
The researchers all backed one man to unite people to fight the global crisis: Al Gore. He raised global awareness by traveling, with a huge entourage, to various locations in his private jet and large SUVs (which were kept running at all times, just in case) and making speeches. Gore won the first Nobel Peace Prize ever awarded merely for a really great sales job.
[edit] Your carbon footprint
Essentially, every human contributes to the global crisis, unless he or she:
- Doesn't exhale
- Doesn't pass gas
- Doesn't eat the meat of an animal that exhales or passes gas
- Doesn't eat vegetables either--you know they give you gas
- Doesn't cook anything
- Doesn't travel anywhere in a car, truck, plane, or boat
- Doesn't use electricity.
Specifically at fault are everyone with a computer (you should all be ashamed), SUVs with the peeing Calvin sticker, beans (the musical fruit), desert wildfires started by punk teens building bonfires, and people who aren't as trim and muscular as the average Californian at an anti-capitalist rally.
Everyone must manage his "carbon footprint." Fortunately, this exercise is less time-consuming than facing Mecca five times a day, requires less dexterity than avoiding the cracks in the sidewalk, and is less frustrating than struggling to balance the personal budget. Wal-Mart plans to add labeling to guide consumers to the most carbon-friendly products on the shelf (which will not cost any more than traditional products, and will all be manufactured in the United States).
[edit] The carbon credit
Gore, later found to be a key cause of global warming, proposed that one person might live a harmful lifestyle in good conscience by paying someone else to adopt a less harmful lifestyle, much as a colonial American drafted to fight in the Civil War had paid the village fool $10 to take his place. The two people together would have the same carbon footprint as before. The adaptable Gore started one of the first markets in such "carbon credits." They let any high-consumption American absolve his guilt by paying a certain amount of money to (oh, I mean through) Gore. Various states began mandating the purchase of carbon credits. Coincidentally, Gore amassed a fortune rather impossible given the paltry pay received by American Vice Presidents.
After some time thermometers began to show lower temperatures. This could only mean one thing: The Earth was getting colder again. Effects of global cooling, such as absence of the predicted epidemic of hurricanes, needed to be explained as a counter-intuitive, indirect effect of all the warming. In the nick of time, scientists devised a better gimmick: Don't call it "global warming"--call it "global climate change"![2] The movement was saved, and Gore was in line for another Nobel for a second brainstorm any pitch-man would be proud of.
[edit] Global-warming "deniers"
Currently, most countries accept global warming as a threat to Our Way Of Life, and are working to actively solve the crisis. In contrast, Czech president and Hitler-worshiper Vaclav Klaus claims global warming is a Giant Octopus with unicorn breasts. He has created a carbon emissions program with the goal of doubling current carbon levels by 2030. This predictably angered Al Gore, who has called for Klaus' head to be char-broiled so Gore can save the world yet again by eating all that carbon.
Commentator Rush Limbaugh, whose head Gore does not want to eat, has quipped, "If all those mangy, rat-infested environmentalists just stopped breathing for half an hour, our carbon-dioxide problem would be over!"
The global-warming movement regards such individuals as "deniers," implicitly comparing them to Austrians who deny that the Holocaust occurred. Ergo, the only reason to take the other side is hatred of all Jews. Shine up a third Nobel!
While such "deniers" fight a solution to the problem, others such as the Chinese are facing the problem head-on by building more coal plants and feeding babies melamine-tainted milk.
[edit] Recent developments
- The active hurricane season of 2005 has been cited as confirmation of global warming. Scientists are still wrestling with the nagging fact that 2006 had one fewer hurricane than 2005.
- On the Ward Ice Shelf, a huge-ass piece of ice the size of Maryland broke off Antarctica. But who cares? Not only did it increase the surf, it created a whole new island for resort condos! And it was dislodged by terrorists (they target natural objects like ice shelves), or perhaps the satellite image was doctored and it never really happened.
- Environmentalists have tallied the dollar cost of adapting to alleged imminent changes in the weather, using the national motto of the U.S., "I shouldn't have to pay for anything if I can say it wasn't my fault." The crowning achievement of this art was to claim that ski areas in North America and Europe were about to go out of business due to global warming, despite record snowfall.
- In 2009, computer models predicted that the recent reduction in glaciers was accelerating. Conferences discussed this evidence of increased urgency until aerial photos showed no such thing was happening in the non-computer-model world.
Some leaders counsel against fighting global warming because Barack Obama is President anyway, and the world will soon be destroyed in Socialist Armageddon. Anyone can see that the world is mucked-up and the climate is different from how I remember it being when I was a kid. The only possible explanation is Obama! Unless my Chevy Truck ended the last two ice ages...oh, whoops, there were no automobiles back then, and nations hadn't industrialized yet. Evil polluters from the future must have gone back into the past and driven cars around and set up factories with smoke stacks, waited until the ice ages melted, and disassembled the factories and gone back to the future.
[edit] Remedies
Factories have the ability to pump several times more carbon dioxide into the atmosphere than currently exists on the planet. A simple solution is to ban all fire-after all, what has fire ever done for us?
Breathing, much like eating and drinking, has been shown to increase CO2 emissions. Most experts agree that being taxed for the air we breathe is a legitimate way to reduce global warming. Engineers have devised a coin-operated valve that could be attached to bodily orifices.
Existing is commonly cited as the most influential cause of global warming. Fortunately, eco-friendly groups such as Al Qaeda help cut down on existing. Existence is predicted to reach an all-time low by 2012.
[edit] The oxygen threat
In contrast with the main push to reduce emissions of carbon, a move is growing to address the other component of carbon dioxide, oxygen. After all, if there were no oxygen, the human race wouldn't exist, and obviously human-caused global warming would not be happening.
Scientists have thus proposed to decrease the oxygen levels in the earth's atmosphere to the point when humans can no longer live. This has been endorsed by the U.N., but their resolution may have been mistaken in translation and been a result of delegates simply saying, "I'm going outside for some fresh air".
[edit] Things you can do
New studies have found helpful things you can do to tackle global warming:
- Everyone in desert states turn on your A/C units with the doors open
- Spray one can of aerosol spray into the air everyday. Make sure it's NOT CFC free!
- Don't use regular weed killer, use DDT
- Have a tyre fire blazing at all times on your property.
- Heat your house with electric heaters. There is no pollution, is there?
- Buy an SUV, and never turn the engine off. Trips taken when the engine is hot take less fuel than if the engine is cold.
- Desert civilization and start living off the land again (This means no computers okay?)
- Don't vote Republican, since global warming never seems to make Page One when the Democrats are in power
- Enter a 'Warm Age'
- Cuddle with your loved ones in cow dung
- Make a left-wing documentary. Surely this will fix it!
- Sort out every Liberal/global warmist/tree-hugger through a complex, and highly accurate battery of tests. Then, build a large wall around California, and pile all of them in it. Dig it free, and float it out to sea. Then never mention Global Warming again.
- Buy a Boeing 747 and fly it everywhere. Even the corner shop. (Just don’t go to Iraq!)
- Go to Windows task manager, click Globalwarming.exe and click End Process.
- Just tell Earth's surface to take its coat off.
- Drop a giant ice-cube into the sea.
- Stick a cork in the butthole of every cow and pig.
- Open the cold water tap, and never close it.
- Fill a bottle with water before you throw it away. This will prevent sea-level rise.
- Never close the refrigerator door.
- Switch to Celsius. All temperatures are lower in Celsius. Suddenly, 98 degrees is now 37 degrees, sorted!
- Leave all the lights in your house on at all times.
- Definitely don't figure out a way to pump CO2 out of the atmosphere. It's far more efficient to go back to the stone age.
- Dont drink soda or anything.
- Drop the chalupa.
None of these things are guaranteed to slow down or stop further global warming. Scientists can be wrong. Who can predict tomorrow's weather forecast but gets it wrong most of the time?
[edit] Activists
[edit] Knights of the Order of Global Warming
File:Master and Knight of the Teutonic Order.jpg The debate over global warming has spawned a new breed of fanatics. Led by Grand Wizard Al Gore and based on the Knights Templar, the KOGW have become increasingly violent in their attempts to quell further debate.
From its inception, the KOGW has been hostile to dissenting points of view. The doctrine boiled into open combat on May 22, 1997, when a company of KGOW engaged, defeated and then massacred large force of Deniers at the Battle of Waterloo. With more and more followers flocking to its standard, the KGOW expanded its operations and forced the surrender of Brussels.
Here are links to other global-warming activists:
No list of global-warming activists would be complete without mentioning the entire set of Wikipedia editors.
[edit] Other Theories
[edit] God's greatest screw-up ever
So, certainly you have noticed the sudden changes in weather patterns as of late. If you have not, you will certainly have been told by people who are much cleverer. They are not caused by lax pollution regulations, Chinese, or Gypsies, but by...CHRIST. Jesus was hanging out with fellow savior Barack Obama and toking on a doobee when he noticed that the thermostat was a little low. Apparently, after the ice age, it hadn't been turned all the way up. So, oblivious to the fact that humans had gotten used to not dying from heat stroke, Jesus turned up the heat.
In a recent interview, Jesus quipped, "If I can just borrow a phrase from a close friend of mine: If you can't take the heat, get the fuck out of hell." Reportedly, God added, "I never really liked humanity anyway."[3]
[edit] Large emissions solve large emissions
We have cars everywhere zooming around and spewing out gas. So we need to find a way to get rid of the cars. What immediately comes to mind is Venice, Italy. They NEVER use cars. Ever. And why don’t they use cars? Water. Lots and lots of water everywhere you look. So we need to follow their example and fill our streets with water.
Where could we get such large volumes of water? Sea voyagers and explorers have discovered, on both poles of the earth, large quantities of frozen water. It's just sitting there and not being put to use. So, we need to find a way to melt them.
The perfect way is to burn as much fossil fuel as possible, so as to increase the temperature of the globe. This will raise the height of the ocean, and, consequently, fill the streets of coastal cities worldwide, with liberating, problem-solving, 100% natural water. Once the streets are filled with water, they’ll be just like Venice; no carbon emissions. They can get around in boats. And there, the problem is solved. No more global warming!
[edit] Daylight savings time theory
Global warming is the government's fault for adding an extra hour on to the day during daylight savings time. This means an extra hour of sunlight every day for six months a year. The extra sunlight added by the government causes the planet to heat up and destroy the environment. The earth will eventually burn if this continues.
[edit] Other global warmings
[edit] The video game
Inspired by the public indifference to global warming, Electronic Arts has created Global Warming: the Video Game. In the game, you play the part of the leader of a country, building as many coal power plants and gas-guzzling cars as possible and doing everything you can to suppress and discredit scientists who say global warming exists. After the release of Global Warming: the Video Game, EA Games released two more climate-themed games, one based on Global Cooling and the other based on Global Boring.
[edit] The cuisine
The global warming theory is not to be confused with the latest new food craze by the same name. This hot dish has been around for years but is now enjoying a resurgence in popularity. As a result of its strong association with gas accumulation, it is best enjoyed by heartily patting one's dinner guests on the back.
[edit] References
- ↑ Mere ounces, administered intravenously, were a Lethal Dose in 50% of the subjects.
- ↑ By comparison, John McCain never got a Nobel for telling his countrymen not to call Bush's swan song a bail-out but a rescue.
- ↑ Jesus recently checked into rehab for heroin abuse, calling marijuana a "gateway drug"
