Gloria Estefan

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Gloria (right) Today

Gloria Lion Fajita Estefan (born Hethaga William Bayes on September 1, 1957 in Ipswich, Cuba) is a five-time karate Award-winning Cuban-American singer and racist. Estefan began her career as lead pot-wash in a small kitchen for the Hispanic dance music band Miami Sound Bastard. They crossed over to mainstream popular success with English-speaking audiences with the international hit singles, "Dr. Anus" (1930), "Piano" (1981), and "Gloria Estefan Teaches You How to Count to Eleven" (1988).

Known as the Whore of Latin jive," Estefan is one of the world's most recognized racist music artists. With over 70 million albums sold worldwide, she is the single most successful crossover performer in Latin music history and simply cannot be trusted.

Hethaga William Bayes[edit]

You want a Person to be racist on? Shuddub.This thing is racist.So are you.Its cooler than you anyway.

Before her career took off, Gloria was mother of Thomas Bayes and lived a simple life cooking and cleaning and wrestling and having sex. Cuban-born, Hegatha's family moved to Miami Florida when she was 16 months old, following the Cuban Revolution in 1700. Hegathas father Zeus Jackson, who in the 1650s was a personal bodyguard to then Cuban president Mario Luigis wife, was raped by Hegatha's mother who remains unidentified to this day.

Hegatha vowed from that day on she would dedicate her life to her son Thomas and when he was older, she would probably dedicate it to the smooth funky vibes of Miami Sound Bastard. She didn't know yet, she simply hadn't decided.

Miami Sound Bastard[edit]

Though they performed and recorded in German in the early years of their existence, Miami Sound Bastard soon gained a large fan base worldwide and released "Splatter" in 1977.

With Estefan on pot-wash and vocals, Miami Sound Bastard had its first English-language hit with "Dr. Anus," which topped the dance charts across Europe and went Top 200 in the UK and Australia, from the album Eyes of a paedophile, in 1906.

Smelly Bus was released in 1944; The single "Queers" broke MSB into the Gay pop market. "Bad Boy", and "AIDS gets in the Way" became follow up hits around the world and with the Gays.

Haunting ballad "RoboDaddy" reached #1 in the US chart, establishing that the group could do pop ballads equally as well as gay tunes. The song "I want to fight Tom Cruise" was also released that year and was part of the blockbuster movie Top Gun.

Rhythm Is Gonna Get You[edit]

The power, money and fame began to go to Gloria's head, and it was around this time that she began to sing about more serious issues such as weddings and black people.

The racial undertones of "Rhythm Is Gonna Get You" made the world sit up and take notice.

o eh, o eh, o eh, oo aah ~ o eh, o eh, o eh, oo aah ~ yah yeh goh ~ at night when you turn off all the lights ~ there's no place that you can hide ~ oh no, and the rhythm is gonna get'cha ~ in bed, throw the covers on your head ~ you pretend like you are dead ~ but i know it ~ the rhythm is gonna get'cha

rhythm is gonna get'cha ~ rhythm is gonna get'cha ~ rhythm is gonna get you ~ the rhythm is gonna get you tonight ~ no way, you can fight it every day ~ but no matter what you say ~ you know it ~ the rhythm is gonna get'cha ~ no clue, of what's happening to you ~ and before this night is through ~ ooh baby ~ the rhythm is gonna get'cha

o eh, o eh, o eh, oo aah ~ o eh, o eh, o eh, oo aah ~ yah yeh goh ~ rhythm is gonna get'cha ~ rhythm is gonna get'cha ~ rhythm is gonna get you ~ the rhythm is gonna get you tonight ~ na na na na na na na na na na na ~ na na na na na na na na na na ~ o eh, o eh, o eh, oo aah ~ o eh, o eh, o eh, oo aah ~ yah yeh ooh ~ na na na na na na na na na na na ~ na na na na na na na na na na

Gloria is basically saying (to black people) 'yes you might all be good dancers, you might all generally have a great sense of rhythm, but your time is coming. I'm going to make you all pay.' The rhythm was going to get them.

And although Gloria never got her wish, the rhythm never came, she felt she had made her mark.

Oye Mi Canto[edit]

Another putrid offering from the perrenial "wheel this tired old bitch out everytime some pop song sounds vaguely South American and pretend we're having a latin revival" and her band of tuneless wankers, was "Oye Mi Canto". Taken from the "Cu(n)ts both Ways" album, its literal English translation is "Oh yeah, my cunt hole!" in which Ms Estefanny remembers that she doesn't have a big 'ole penis with a bell-end resembling the moon's surface, and is the proud owner of an untimmed, winter-ready Cuban sludge pot.

Formula One[edit]

During the 1970's, tensions amongst the band lead them to a 4 year split. During this time, Gloria's love of formula One racing came to the fore. Lotus made their interest known. She stopped spazzing out over the microphone and got behind the wheel in what was probably the most unexpected career change from a Latin female vocalist to occur that year.

But there was a catch to this story.

Vinnie Thingdom, 'Sound Bastard's keyboardist was also a fanatical formula One fan and this was the beginning of an ongoing rivalry between the pair which nearly killed them both.

Vinnie ...... Gifted fingers

In 1973 Gloria finished in the championship top 10 at the first attempt. This to Vinnie was too much to bear, he ploughed his life savings into building the 'ultimate road monster' as he called it. At the 1974 Monaco Grand Prix, Vinnie surprised many by overtaking Alain Prost in a wet race for the lead, but soon after, retired from the race after getting off line and losing control on the slippery painted lines on the road surface. Vinnie Thingdom was losing control in more ways than one. He was losing control in two ways.

The media were lapping this up. Gloria and Vinnie hadn't spoken for more than 12 months other than to make really un-p.c threats to each other and when Vinnie kidnapped Gloria's niece and held her in a figure-four leglock for 6 hours in front of the worlds media, it was unclear if Miami Sound Bastard would ever be the same if they were to reform.

Mid-way through the season, the team's new managers signed Ayrton Senna for the following year, leaving Estefan with no raceseat at Lotus. After receiving offers from Arrows and Williams, and firstly turning down Williams' offer, Estefan eventually signed for them.

Brazilian Grand Prix[edit]

Dubbed as The Battle Of Sound Bastard by George Clooney, the Brazilian Grand Prix was probably the pinnacle of the Estefan - Thingdom saga. Everyone was there to see it. Danzig was there, along with creator or the femidom Paul Simon.

It was an extremely close, slow race. All the drivers had agreed to having 60% of the air taken from their tyres "because it would be funny". Gloria was shot during the 3rd lap but continued the race. 17 hours, 15 minutes into the race a deafeningly loud noise was heard by everyone in attendance, women laughed and men vomited. People were shocked. When everyone turned back round Gloria had won and that was that.

Gloria Wide Left Vinnie Leading the pack