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β€œ"Point on this map where Gloucester used to be"”

~ Frankie Boyle on Gloucester

β€œI don't like it”

~ Andy from Little Britain on Gloucester

Official language(s) Farmer, Chav, Polish, Arabic
Mayor Patrick Star
Established 1849
Currency Whatever Cash Converters buy

Gloucester (population: 4.1) is a relatively small metropolis on the outskirts of Cheltenham which is insignificant because Cheltenham is pretty shit too to be honest. It was first discovered in 50 AD by Doctor Foster, who visited Gloucester in a shower of rain, leading to an unfortunate incident involving the Three Bears, Jesus, and a puddle.

Gloucester is linked to Cheltenham via a special tunnel, the Golden Valley Bypass which allows local cyclists to have a painless death and to tether the huge donut located on the Cheltenham side. The tunnel is of strategic importance as since it was completed border skirmishes have ceased.

The people of Gloucester, commonly known as "Farmers", usually use tractors to get from A to B. Those that can't afford tractors make their own cheese, or buy the locally made Gloucester Brie, and roll it in front of them to wherever they need to go. This is called Cheese Rolling, or sommat. It is second only to cereal killing and the plague as the biggest cause of death in Gloucester.

The city itself has a splendid cathedral with a 1000ft high spire. The cathedral was made in the art deco style, out of scaffolding, with a limestone feature that many consider unsightly. There is even a gargoyle of Harry Potter, whose ghost often walks the cloisters. Next to the Cathedral is a school where all the Kings go.

A river called 'Severn' (which has nothing in common with the great almighty 7 - you'll understand if you ever hear a local speak) passes nearby which provides transport on surfboard to Tewkesbury and Birmingham.

Gloucester is plagued by thousands of Woodlanders from the nearby Wood of Dean, who enter the city from a mystical portal called "The Highnam Roundabout". The Woodlanders all belong to the same family. Their favourite phrase is "'Ow bist, ol' butt?" which loosely translates to "Get off my land, brother!". They came to fame in the 1970's when they launched a pop-group: The Woodlander 6. They topped the UK singles charts with such hits as "XYZ", "I Want You Off My Land", "I'll Be Somewhere", and "Blame It On The Boobie". Their fame came to an end when, in 1979, Mickey, the youngest member of the band, went off to have a solo career. He was famous for wearing only one sparkly sock, and changing his appearance every week with the aid of a collection of Halloween masks. His biggest hit was "Norma Jean".

To the north there are a series of vineyards that produce wine. Unfortunately none of the locals know this as its largely consumed by the French.

In the city centre, there are five main streets: Northgate Street, Southgate Street, Eastgate Street, Westgate Street, and Diagon Alley where Bear-tricks Potter (of no relation to Harry) resides. The main landmarks of the city are Debenhams, Toys'R'Us, Cromwell Street, Barry's Disco Centre and the brand-new, state of the art leisure centre, GL1.5. The city even has two Marks & Spencers - yes two! The most exclusive area to live is Coney Hill, with the worse area being Longlevens and Upton St. Leonards, where crime is on the increase.

Gloucester is the birthplace of many famous people such as Marcus Mayo, Richie Rich, Obi Wan Kenobi, Harry Potter, Jackie Kabler, Krusty the Clown, Bodger, from Bodger and Badger, Fireman Sam, and Seven of Nine, to name but a few.

Children were first forced to go to church here by a local tyrant, Roberto Rakes who now owns a pub on Southgate Street.

Top local entertainments include the Fighting District located towards the top of Eastgate street where locals gather every Friday night after departing Liquid and eating some fine cuisine at one of the many kebab shops on Westgate Street. Other local past times include inbreeding and Baby Bell chasing.

Gloucester also has the best rugby team in the whole of the WORLD. The team play its rugger matches at a ground called Kingsholm. It is thought that the founders meant to call it 'Kings Home', but then again people from Gloucester generally cannot spell. There is one stand at Kingsholm called 'The Shed'. Originally this is where the rugby plays kept there cattle while they were playing rugby, but then funny people started to drive the cattle away. These people are now called "shed heads" and can only really say two things, the first being "Glawster" or "C'mon Glos" and the second being, "The referee's a wanker" or "Same old Leicester, always cheating".

Gloucester's Populace and Outlying Estates[edit]

As is famously written in the Bible, Gloucester is home the the UK's biggest population of Chavs (Apart from Telford). These Gloucester Chavs reside in the estates of Matson and Coney Hill. These places are so horrible, they have been dubbed as 'Nearly as bad as Swindon'. In the day, these Chavs have been known to sit outside the concrete Hell-Hole that is Gloucester's Boots, whilst stabbing passers by. It is also written in the Bible that after the 1st Crusade in the Holy Land there was a mass exodus of Muslims. They now reside in Barton Street.

Tourist Attractions[edit]

  • The Bible bashers preaching outside Debenhams.
  • The one legged old woman with uncommonly thick facial hair]] who gets off the bus outside the Cathedral at 10:15am every morning.
  • The dead badger slowly being ground into the road on the way to Dursley
  • The legendary Barry and his Disco Centre that is no longer there.
  • Halfords.
  • 17 girls who made a pregnancy pact. One of them even slept with a homeless guy to get pregnant - wasn't that the Gloucester in America?
  • Correction... there was no pregnancy pact... she just likes sleeping with homeless guys.
  • The 18th century bog exhibit outside Boots.
  • The rabbit roundabout.
  • The Glostershire College, which all the Cheltenham students attend
  • Oxstalls, where only sluts and homosexual men are allowed to attend.
  • Down Hatherley - where those with depression, who used to live in Cheltenham, Gloucester, or Bracknell, are sent.
  • The chav living under the Golden Bypass Tunnel.
  • The empty B&Q building where The Citizen insists an ice rink and generic shopping complex should stand.
  • Scrap iron man