Gnome syndrome
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“GNO MORE GNOMES!!!
”
~ Anonymous Resident at White Forest Testing Facility on whether they want another gnome
Gnome syndrome- not to be confused with koumpounophobia, or the fear of buttons- is commonly gnown as gnomophobia, and consists of an acute fear of gnomes. However, the APA (American Psychiatric Association) refuses to recognize this as a legitimate condition. Over 78% of all people who have been diagnosed with this condition suffer from this condition. While the results of the syndrome on your daily life are minimal, it can gnome with critical chemical gnome gnome gnome brain gnome gnome disrupt reading abilities gnome.
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[edit] Signs and symptoms
You might have gnome syndrome if you...
- obsessively use the word "gnome"
- are prone to incoherent, drunken ramblings about inventing cookies
- break into choreographed dance numbers at public forums
- frequently consume blue tape
- repeat yourself
- repeat yourself
- refer to yourself in third person
If you or a friend suffer from any of these problems, do ABSOLUTELY NOTHING, lest you be quarantined for scientific research (its not that bad... YOU GET TOAST!!!)
[edit] Treatment
If you have the syndrome, you will be taken from your family and friends, packaged and shipped via UPS (3rd class mail, postage paid) to remote testing facilities, anally probed, administered un-FDA approved drugs, and sent home. Then the doctors will come to your house and the treatment will begin. The doctors, who underwent almost 15 minutes of rigorous training, will force feed you 133.4 bottles of pink cough medicine, which will do nothing to cure you. Don't worry about spontaneously losing your sight, penis, car keys, or your mind. That barely ever happens anymore, WE SWEAR.
[edit] Side Effects of Treatment
- Binge drinking
- 7
- no shit (constipation, then spontaneous uncontrollable diarrhea)
- accelerated asian
- acute pain
- obtuse triangles
- severe weather
- safe drop in blood pressure, followed by death
[edit] Frequently Asked Questions
Q: Is there a cure?
A: There is no known cure to date, but rest assured that scientists are working around the clock to keep the cure from being found.
Q: Is there free testing?
A: Available only at participating McDonald's in Hong Kong, your local automobile dealership, and most Walgreens.
Q: What should I do if I discover that I have the disease whilst in its early stages?
A: Although not clinically proven to work, many recommend seeking the counsel of a rabbi and/or an Asian wombat, both of which can be found deep in the Vietnamese jungle. Research is currently underway to test these forms of treatment. (think of it as akin to trying to relieve yourself of hiccups, or herpes)
[edit] Less Frequently Asked Questions
Q: Have you been drinking tonight? meow.
A: did... did you just say meow?
Q: Who's asking the questions here?
A: uh, you?
Q: That's right. Who did you think?
A: Think what?
Q: No, Who did you think?
A: Who did I think did what?
Q: No, I mean who's asking?
A: Asking what?
Q: The question.
A: What?
Q: How do you spell syndrome?
A: I'm not sure what word your talking about, could you spell it for me?
Q: Would you like a Gnome?
A: Gno! Gno more gnomes!
Q: Answer the question! Yes or Gnome???
A: Gno!
G: Ok, calm down, I'm getting some gnomes.
N: (sobbing) GNOOO! GNO GNOMES, GNO GNOMES! (breaks into choreographed dance number)
O: I'll get the gnomes! Let go of my legs!
M: *huddled in the corner, slowly rocking back and forth with a vacant stare* ...gnomes...
E: If you are going to act this way I just won't get any gnomes.
S: *in delight* Gnomes!
[edit] Other Information
- Tom Mcdougal's book, Lawn Gnomes, Now and Then
- The gnome hotline: 1-800-U-R-GNOME
- Random stuff
Note: This article is the first part in a one part series about gnome syndrome. If you want future articles E-mailed to you, click here. Don't worry, we promise that we probably won't use your information for spam (except for orange juice and male enhancement ads, which are required according to statutes imposed by my supervisors).
i just want to throw something at a fan
