Goat lactation
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Goat lactation is the basis for the international drink known as beer and also some specialty toast spreads such as marmite and vegemite.
Traditionally it is Himalayan goats that are used, however, beer made on a commercial or industrial scale employs substitute Himalayan goats, such as the giant rubber Budweiser goat, or the stainless steel and little bits of sticky fluff Carlsberg goat. Krushnevyan mountain goats are occasionally brought in on a whim, but as the goats are primarily used for sexual stimulant testing, they're not primary beer lactation sources.
The goat, a mean, smelly four legged creature that farts uncontrollably, much like many members of Congress, needs to be lactated with genuine care. Approach from behind with the fingers warmed gently and smelly faintly of Brut aftershave. Grip the naked udder firmly and yank downwards while screaming "Bush is a girl!". If Secret Service and FBI agents have not dropped in and arrested in you within thirty seconds, either a) you're doing it wrong, or b) the goat's your mother.
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[edit] Alternative Method
[edit] Spanking The Goat Method
Quality goat lactation, specially suited for Australian beer, can be achieved by goat spanking. This is the process of clamping an extremely hairy goat between your legs and pounding its arse with a small ferret. The lactation is then collected in a bucket under the goat's udder. The most common side effect of this extraction method is the force of the ferret scaring the goat and the lactate ends up spraying out its horns in fright.
[edit] Enthusiasm
It has been noted that lactating goat enthusiasts think that everyone's mother is a fully fledged goat who looks stunning in a bikini. Even when, sadly, the goat hasn't shaved properly.
[edit] Post-Lactation
Immediately after the subject goat has seized lactating all usable fluids into the bucket, it is necessary to rush the contents to a specially bred mountain goat, which is subsequently freeze-dried. While frozen (but still alive; remember these are specially bred goats), the mountain goat should be force-fed copious quantities of hops and sugar, injected with compressed carbon dioxide molecules, and then rolled down a small cliff for carbonation purposes. The goat may then be revived and gutted; carefully remove the stomach contents and pour into previously used recycled aluminum cans. Enjoy!
Consumer Warning: The many producers of goat lactation products collectively take no responsibility for any nausea, heartburn, indigestion, upset stomach, diarrhea, flaming turds, death, or complications arising from misuse of their products. See this informational video detailing the probable afflictions from use of a popular alcoholic product.
[edit] See Also
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The basis for the international drink known as beer and also some specialty toast spreads such as marmite and vegemite. |
