Goblin
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“Ohmygod...you finally found out what your true father is...”
~ Your Mom on Goblins
“That's hawt!”
~ Typical, Date-less World of Warcraft Nerd on Goblins
“They resemble ugly children...oh baby.”
~ Pedobear on Goblins
This article is about mythical creatures: goblins. To read about russian translator Goblin click here. Это статья о мифологических созданиях-гоблинах. Об известном русском переводчике Гоблине читать здесь.
Though most people associate goblins with Halloween, internet trolls, and annoying movies that should never have left the box office, the Goblin is, in actuality, a real creature such as the Unicorn and the Liger. It lives mainly off of meat, but will occasionally show omnivorous tendancies when food is scarce. They prefer to live mainly in boggy areas, such as Florida, Northern Europe, and the inside of the lead singer from the newly formed band The Lonely Island's pants. Because of humans building out of control, the Goblin habitat has been dangerously ycut back on, and many reports say that Goblins have been steadily adapting to city life, living in dingy areas like rats. Also because of this, they have been moved to the endangered species list, landing place number 2305.
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[edit] Origins
The goblin has several different accepted (or unaccepted?) origins depending on who you ask. The name is undisputed, coming from the latin roots grogarog, meaning horrifically ugly, and oblin, which has yet to be interpreted into modern English*. But the origin of the creature has a few much more complex views about it.
The most common belief held by todays society is an interesting one. Since the early ninties, many families believe that goblins are the result of pouring water on a Furby. The first people known to have attempted proving this theory were the Warner Brothers, a pair of well known scientists of the 20th and 21st centuries. They produced a documentary of their findings, orgignally opting to name the film "The Goblins", but it was changed to "The Gremlins" due to a translation error made by their Japanese partners.
The believers of the second most well known theory commonly dimiss the first as a hoax put on by the Warner Brothers to earn royalties for their findings and patents. They also commonly insist that it's impossible to actually blow up a goblin in a microwave. Having never tried it myself, this has yet to be proven. The theory revolves around Darwinism, a religion that is being taught in many modern-day schools in America. It is believed that goblins evolved from orks, adapting to smaller bodies and losing their archery abilites since the modern advances of the gun. Because of this invention, the need to be large and muscular was done away with, and less common genes that are less likely to help in the wild began to show up, leaving the small, fragile, and rather bitey things we have today. This is a common pattern seem accompanying the rise of man. Another example to support this theory would be that of the human.
The third theory is only accepted by a few, but has been gaining popularity since actor Tom Cruise adopted it. With his help, the number of believers in this theory, Scientology, have vastly multiplied, starting at two and rocketing up to four in a short matter of days. This theory includes the unargued notion that all creatues were beamed down from space, and that E.T. is the original creator of everything. Goblin, being creatures, are accpeted to have been beameed down from space as well.
[edit] Behavior and Appearence
Goblins speak with a deep guttural noise from within their throats, not too unlike Gollum. Loud screeches are often used by the female species to attract mates, a habit that is common in many different creatures, such as humans that live in the Bronx. Though, being a lower organism than people, they do not have an official language or way of speaking, they are known to have a repetitive speaking pattern in which such phrases such as "oh yip" and "Bud Lite" are frequent.
They usually have thin, pallid skin, little pigmentation, and small squinty eyes. A new species, however, has been discovered with large globe-like eyes. It has yet to be realeased what the name of the Australian species of Goblin will be.
Goblins are clever scavengers which eat mostly meat, but as stated before, will demonstrate omnivorous charteristics when running out of food..
They are found worldwide, though mostly in bog like areas with losts of water. Because of thinning bogs, especially around areas of urban progress, they have adapted to city life. It it not uncommon to find one stealing food or rooting through your garbage can. They are cl e veradncan break many types of locks. So parents, place your children in a safe if they're small enough to be comsumable. Goblins aren't reccomended as pets around the small, sick, and pregnant. (Or Michael Jackson, a disturbing combination of all three.)
[edit] Goblins In Culture
Goblins have wormed their way into our stories and our hearts for centuries. Who doesn't love the fanged little scavengers? People have been interacting with many animals since the dawn of time, and Goblins are included. Here are some very well known examples of Goblins in human culture:
- Green Goblin: Ever read Spiderman? (No? Have you at least seen the movies?) Who could forget one of the largest antagonists, right next to the Giant Flyswatter and Mrs. Widow, who tried to mate with Spiderman in episode #546327, is the Green Goblin. Lethal, annoying, and somewhat science related for no reason at all, the Green Goblin terrorized Spidey and a nation of unwitting civilians for the good half of the 20th century. Though he was technically a human with some serious psychological issues, the Green Goblin captured the image of a Goblin for many people across the globe. He was so famous, in fact, that several more of the same villain were made, one his son going under the inconspicuous name, "Green Goblin 2". Rumor has it there's a Green Goblin 3 coming out in the seventh Spiderman movie. And we all are just dying to see that.
- Nicole Richie: Goblins have also been accepted not only into pop culture, but into the fashion industries as well, it seems. The most famous Goblin is Nicole Richie, though a few other famous names are Britney Spears, her sister Jamie Lynn Spears, and Cher.
- The Hamburglar: Another example of pop culture, and also spanning across the food industries and commercialism categories, the Hamburglar is the well known, snarky faced counterpart of Ronald McDonald. Though originally introduced stealing food from Ronald, as goblins being scavengers tend to do, he was later adapted to be more child friendly, nowadays only lusting after burgers but not allowed to lay his hands on him. What a shame.
- Mona Lisa: Da Vinci's greatest work, many claim it to be, is based off a Goblin he had kept as a pet in his younger years. Literally translated, the name means "Moaning Lisa", his goblin having been named after his mother, Lisa, who died in childbirth, and moaning because Goblins, when asleep, exhale deep moaning noises a lot like snoring. The Mona Lisa currently hangs in the Whitehouse.
[edit] Footnotes
Goblin spelled backwards is nilbog. That is all...
...oh, did you know that nilboG spelt backwards is Goblin? Awesome, huh?
ALIASES: Imp Small Devil Hellboy Rick Moranis Jennifer Lopez Bog Monster Gremlin Yeti
