God of War
|Egh, this article may be Overly Spartan. Persians may not be able to travel to Greece, only die. Or may only be kicked into a pit by Leonidas or slaughtered by Kratos. Don't change a thing to remedy this.|
|Warning. This Article contains the spoiler that Kratos became a gigantic Spartan, so, if you don't want to find out that Kratos became a gigantic Spartan, which he is, don't read it.|
Because Kratos became a gigantic Spartan
“I AM THE GOD OF WAR! ”
“WTF?? They stole meh jehb! ”
“I'm in ur city, killin' ur peoples!”
“I had to choose between God of War and getting insulin for my mother. I chose God of War.”
“What the fuck!? Too many freaking puzzles! Shit!....damn it!”
“Kratos. To defeat Ares, you must get a box that contains the ultimate power: Egh, bigness. How shit.”
“This is KRAAAAAAAAAAAAAATOS!!!”
God of War is a video game released on the Playstation 2. It is heralded by most to be the worst game ever i mean seriously its like puting a razer bladed dildo up your ass and twisting It is also one of the most kid friendly games ever put out, for any system. Seriously, it's designed for kids.
The main character of God of War is Kratos, a SPARTAAAAAAAAAAN warrior so angry that he exploded with rage when he discovered the god Ares had sexed his cat. With this in mind, he set off on a quest of vengeance against Ares, travelling the length and breadth of Greece, which now has a desert right next to Athens for some reason. In order to kill Ares, Kratos needs the power of
a plot device Pandora's Rubix cube, which he must earn by killing a horde of monsters in the aptly named Temple of Pandora. When accused of making this and most of the game's levels filler, Sony Computer Entertainment Santa Monica's CEO replied: "Shut up! We gave you boobies and bitchin' weapons, godsdammit!"
Kratos is assisted by Ares's sister Athena throughout the game, because she cares more about a bunch of moochers in her city than her own brother. Various other gods also stab Ares in the back by giving Kratos magical sandwiches that give him superpowers and ability to slow time faster (in his war against Persians in 300 in which he took over Dillios' mind and went out of it) for no apparent reason. Kratos is also assisted by
Your Mom a topless Oracle and a Deus Ex Machina Gravedigger.
God of War's combat system is so awesome that the term awesome cannot encompass its sheer awesomeness. Therefore, henceforth it shall be referred to as hyperawesome. Your main weapons are the Blades of Chaos, which are on fire, and therefore hyperawesome. The Blade of Artemis is intended as an alternative for the Blades of Chaos, but this didn't work out because the Blade of Artemis is not on fire, and thus is not hyperawesome. (There is a definite link between hyperawesome and fire. Interesting.) You also gain numerous magic attacks, such as one that summons zombies which kill your enemies via singing Celine Dion music. Weird game.
The centerpieces of God of War's combat system are the various brutal
fatalities Limit Breaks finishing moves you can perform on each enemy. These range in brutality from ripping off the wings of harpies, to ripping out a Cyclops' eye, raping its eye, choking the Cyclops with the raped eye, fucking the corpse, eating the corpse, throwing up the corpse, shitting on the corpse then proceeding to repeat the process with the Cyclops' entire family, including its dog. Kratos is a bastard.
- Army of Hades: Souls on a quest for revengeance on people who wronged them. Their main purpose it to fly around haunting people with their soul clouds. Also, rigor mortis.
- Lightning Bolts: Shiny weapons that don't hurt Kratos while he holds them due to him being the main character. Given to Kratos by Ares's deadbeat father Zeus.
- Shit cannon of Leonidas: The ultimate weapon of SPARTAAAAAAAAA.Kratos will simply sit on the toilet of the cannon and shoot shit from it.
- Medusa's Head: The decapitated head of a Gorgon that Kratos carries around to scare people at parties. Useless otherwise; a better item is Medusa's Penis.
- Poiseidon's Lightning: The first magic attack Kratos conveniently finds, Poseidon's Lightning causes a ship with Shelly Winters on it to sink. Why? Who cares, it's God of War.
- Blade of Artemis: An overly huge sword. Seriously, perhaps even larger than Kratos' ego. Perhaps Artemis needed something with which to please herself, since she was still a virgin. (Can you blame her? All the other gods were related to each other and still fucked like rabbits.)
- Epic Humous: This weapon enables Kratos to defeat Xenu during his sleep by throwing mashed peas, can be enhanced to destroy Gordon Brown if mixed with Red and Green herbs from Raccoon City
- Absorption of red orbs after sex The statement speaks for itself.
God of War contains some quaint things called 'enemies' that give you something to do while marvelling at the excellent architecture.
- Cannon Fodder: Target practice for your lightning bolts.
- Puppies: Makes you feel to guilty to kill them with their cuteness, then haxors the server to transform into Satan himself and eat you.
- Soldier: Sword. Stabby. Bad.
- Kratos Clone: From a time when Professor Miles Warren cloned Kratos, which then became the Scarlet Kratos. They later team up.
- Cyclops: Has infinite health and the offensive power of a thousand suns. Luckily, it's incapable of combat maneuvers beyond "smash". Kind of like the Hulk, only without the extra testosterone. And flabbier. With one eye.
- Sirens: Supermodels that Aphrodite changed into monsters for banging her husband. Their singing is so horrid it makes your character commit suicide. Twice. (So, on the whole, preferable to Christian Rock music.)
- Archer: Snipes you with it's 1337 skills. Weakest footmonster in the game.
- Harpy: Winged clones of Britney Spears. Fun to kill, less fun to clean up.
- Minotaur: The end product of your mother banging the cow god. Carries around a weapon bigger than itself, clearly making it an anime reject.
- Dante: comes out occasionally to rant about how much cooler Kratos is than him, then whine how he's "not even supposed to be here today!". Kill the bastard.
- You: No, not Kratos, You.
- Grue: Three words, RUN DAMMIT RUN! If you see any of those in the game, you should take out the power supply of your Playstation 2 and perform a cleansing ritual. But likely you would be eaten by one before you could take out the power supply.
- Medusa: That one gorgon that Kratos have to literally rip off her head. Useless, but works.
- Giant Grue: A friggin' huge Grue that Kratos have to slay. Might as well perform a cleansing ritual. But likely you would be eaten by one before you could take out the power supply.
- Ares: The central villain of the game. Literally kills Kratos with a toothpick.
- Mecha-Minotaur: After Kratos punted a minotaur into space, it came back 3 times bigger with kickass armor. Luckily for Kratos, there's a quaintly convenient flaming-log cannon for no reason.
- Hydra: Giant trillion-headed sea-worm-thingy. It's normally passive, but it's diet consists mainly of you, unfortunately.
Challenge of the Gods
The Challenge of the Gods is a series of 13 challenges unlocked by beating the story mode blindfolded. I don't know what they're like. I can't get past the first one.
Call this number to talk to Kratos: 1-888-447-5594...the conversation will follow for you:
Kratos: I AM THE GOD OF WAR! (Kills you through the phone line.) Fucking telemarketers.
Unlocked by beating the story mode while jumping on a pogo stick and playing the banjo. This is basically the normal story mode on steroids, marijuana and melange. The only 10 people to ever beat this mode are Jack Bauer, Homer Simpson, Galactus, Jesus, Jon the Chilean Stallion, Bwarg, Kratos himself, Leonidas (he and Kratos are best friends), Kervinle2500, and Chuck Norris Dabigmac 3 times cause he is awsome stared at it for a while, then smashed it into several thousand peices.
Top from Bwarg, to beat this mode you will need three things. Thing one - the game. Thing two - a controller. Thing three - No life, for you will be spending every waking moment screaming your ass off because you will die at almost every time a group of enemies gangs up and begins to rape you. They do that a lot. It's Ancient Greece, remember?
Problems with the game
I know what you're thinking, God of War is perfect, no prblems, woop-dee-doo. Well, you're all WRONG! There is many problems, in this jewish game that hitler should have turminated during the holocost: Pandora's Box. Kratos' quest to find this box that is supposed to hold the ultimate power to defeat the God's. Ooooh! I hear you say. Well, after beating the fucking puzzles, and fighting countless enemies, and getting past the Cliffs of fucking, bloody, tear-your-hair-out Madness, youu get it, die , revive, re-obtain the box and open it. You sit there thinking, yes, this is it, this is where I get to see what the Box does to Kratos. You sit there wondering what mystical power will transform Kratos, and what happens? He grows. He gets bigger. Thats it. The ultimate power is to grow a few feet! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaargggggh
Things God of War is superior to
- Chuck Norris
- Being Bat Fuck Insane
- Persians (he is SPARTAAAAAAAAAN after all)
- The whole fucking universe
- Your Mom
- That One Guy
- life you know since he cant die i mean come on he escaped hell its self which is beter than that dante freak]
Things God of war is inferior to
Things God of War is on par with
- Hell, even Jack Thompson wouldn't mess with Kratos
- Seriously, ALL Spartans abuse time control
- This is why you shouldn't mess with him
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